I'm realizing more and more every day just how betrayed I have felt by the entire situation of loosing our baby.  I feel like that can be an eye roll or a pat on the shoulder accompanied by: "Of course you do."  But I have to be honest the extent that it goes surprises even me.  The idea of even allowing my body the chance of getting pregnant just makes me freeze and wonder: "Why would you even do it?"  Not because I wouldn't want another baby.  In fact if I could get pregnant tomorrow and guarantee that it would be a healthy pregnancy I believe I would most likely jump at the chance, or at least deeply consider it.  Since I wouldn't want to stop the adoption process since I know we are on the right path with that.  But it's the mere idea and realization that I have now been pregnant 4 times.  I have been over the moon 4 times and I only have one child.  If I where to get a positive pregnancy test I really and truly doubt that  I would be able to be happy about it until I knew 100% that that baby would make it to term and that the baby was healthy.  I feel I've been burned too many times and if this past experience taught me anything it is that there is no way to guarantee that things will be okay.  Part of me feels I'm being ridiculous.  That I should embrace the chance(however slight that may be) for the miracle that is pregnancy.  But I just can not do it.   I feel broken, incomplete physically and I don't trust my body anymore.

 I felt we where in a really good place emotionally before getting pregnant.  I genuinely did not care if it happened one way or another but then when we got pregnant I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of protection for this little being that wasn't even formed yet.  And then it was taken away from me with no warning after over 9 weeks of excitement, planning and bliss.  Just like that my whole view of pregnancy 100% changed.  I used to feel it was a blessing.  A promise of things to come.  Now I have a hard time viewing it beyond being a burden, stress and a start of anxiety.  This is NOT saying the end result is how I view that.  In fact no child born is a mistake, a burden or a stress.  Any child born is a gift of God.  But it's amazing how I've come to really realize that the actual act of having a complete pregnancy is a miracle.  A true miracle.  I know I'm probably rambling and some of you have your hands over your mouths wondering how on earth could she be saying this.  I'll tell you how:  Grief.  It is a wave that hits with sadness, anger, acceptance over and over again in different orders.  I have learned to allow myself to process them as these orders come.  I guess the point of this is that I've realized I'm not all okay.  I am still hurting and broken and have scars that reach incredibly deep with this.  And you know what: that is okay.  I can move forward with my life but still mourn my loss.  I can allow myself to feel the sadness and yet heal as we move forward. 

And speaking of moving forward.  We have begun diving into our books  on adoption and have been learning so much. 

We also began our required classes and both found them so interesting and helpful.  I loved how they used hands on demonstrations in order to help you understand a little bit more what these kids have been through and how the trauma they have endured has effected them.

We are also grateful that we are spreading them out a little bit in order to give us more time to digest the information, read the books and get into the mindset that we are prepared to tackle whatever problems might arise.  It was 8 hours in a classroom but to be honest it didn't bother me in the least(except our back on those chairs).  In a way it was the most interesting date we have had in a very long time.

We know we are on the right path with this and are trying to keep an open heart and mind on the things that God is giving us.