Apparently my last post decided to never actually make it here onto the site so I apologize for the seemingly silence that has come your way.  Lately I'm having a bit of emotions I'm just not sure how to process them so what better way then on here.  I have been playing with the idea that once we are in the matching process of  our adoption or maybe once we get to the part where the child/children are in our homes to go back to not trying/not preventing and if God decides to give us another miracle then so be it.  But then that brought me to all sorts of questions on am I really ready for that?  Could I really put myself back out there like that?  What about all the emotions and pain that comes with everything if I where to loose it again.  I begin to compare the numbers:  4 pregnancies 1 child.  The odds seem very stacked against me.

Then just this past week I had a friend send me a picture of a positive pregnancy test sharing that they are expecting.  And it made me wonder even more so how I would feel getting a positive test again.  And I honestly don't know.  I really feel like I would be so afraid of loosing the baby that I wouldn't be willing to even open myself up or admit I was even pregnant until I could feel movement or was at a point of viability.  It's so much to take in and so much to think about.  Then a few days later(today actually) a good friend of mine who I see on a regular basis sent a text that she might be induced in the next week unless she goes into labor on her own.  And the thought of that should be me thinking of how close we are comes unbidden.  I wanted my baby so much.  I still do.  But he/she is gone and I won't ever get them back.  The next couple months are going to be hard for me.  I have three friends I see on a regular basis: One due in August and one in September(they will be holding newborns at the same time I should have) since I was due in October.  And now I have one who is pregnant.  I am so happy for them!  Yet I'm feeling a sense of loss.

I think it is easy for people to forget I'm still dealing with this loss and hurting.  I'm moving forward towards adoption yes....but I'm still grieving my loss.  It's been four months and I still have ptsd thinking about being there in the hospital on my own while my body began pushing out a baby that I wanted so badly to have.  I'm excited for adoption.  I'm ready to pursue and love these children who will be joining our family.  And because of that and when I talk about that I think people might think: "Oh good, she's moved on."  But the truth is you don't move on from this.  You simply pick yourself back up and press on.  You fight every day to make it count.  To give it meaning and a purpose. 

All my losses have taught me how valuable life truly is.  It has taught me the truth that children are indeed a miracle.  And so I want to love those kids who are older who need someone to protect them.

I know it seems like I'm jumping back and forth but I think that is appropriate since my mind seems to be doing that exact thing.  I am  excited as we are getting closer and closer to the home studies and matching process.   It seems like conflicting emotions fight and battle over my heart.  I am happy for my friends, sad for myself yet excited for my family all at the same time.

I suppose to get back to what the very beginning of this post was: I honestly don't know if  I will ever be healed enough where I can be at a place where I want to put myself back out there to try and get pregnant again.  I hope I will.  It's almost like I can look at myself from an outside perspective and see a lot of hurt, anger and distrust.  I do not trust my body to not betray me again if I were to get pregnant.  Therefore I don't even want to give it the opportunity.  I think to myself but this time could be different.  But then I remember I had that conversation before I lost my other babies.  I know this is a lot to take in and a lot to process and I'm having difficulty putting it into words so I wanted to put it here. 

~~~~~~~
We will be attending another class on Saturday and after that all we have left to complete is one more class(scheduled for August) and an online certification.  After that is all completed we will be able to move forward with the home studies and then begin the matching process.  We have already gone through all the children's profiles and want to take them all home if we could.  I have a very good outlook I feel like on all this that if the children we decide we want to pursue end up being placed up for adoption before we get to that point them really it is a win win for everyone.  The child has a loving home and another child will get a chance to be loved.  Right now we are just praying for God to direct the hands of the social workers, ourselves and the child social workers to help us make the right match.  We want to be the best parents we can be to whomever is placed with us. 

For now I will fight for those kids who have no one to fight for them.  In doing so I hope my heart can heal and slowly mend together.  Because it isn't about me.  Its about those children.