I feel as if I have needed to write this letter for quite a while but have put it off due to the hardship of it.  Many of you know my background when it comes to my relationship with my biological mother.  There is none.  I am 30 years old and in my life I have seen her when I was 5, 13 and 16.  I was taken from her custody when I was around a year and a half/two years old due to drugs and alcohol and suspected abuse.  Throughout my childhood we talked on the phone every couple months.  I remember even during those times that I the conversations where full of blame, manipulation and guilt.  Things like why don't I write her more often.  Why don't I talk my parents into giving me the money to come visit her since she's poor and they aren't.  As I got older the conversation would come only when she was either drunk or high.  She would ask for money, tell blatant lies (that I would know where lies)  or admit to things and have no memory of it our next conversation.  About 10 years ago I had enough.  I drew my boundaries in the sand and said that I would no longer talk to her if she was drunk or high.  That if she wanted a relationship with me that I was indeed here but that it would only take place if and when she was sober.  That has been our rule ever since and for the most part she has respected it though not always.  I normally hear from her maybe once a year, sometimes twice a year.  She will call me when she is doing well and she will call me often.  She will sound so full of life and ready to tackle the world.  The phone calls will come almost every day or every other day then get further and further apart and then the last phone call will always sound/or end the same.  She will slur words make no sense then ask for money(most of the time contradicting what she has said before) .  I will tell her no she will apologize promise to never ask again Sometimes I will get a phone call directly out of rehab or some kind of hospital treatment.   Turn more into me myself giving her money(which I would refuse every time).

I feel I needed to share that back story with you in order for you to understand where I am coming from with the rest of this post.  Recently during the adoption classes they have talked with us about the parents of these children.   How you need to be careful to not speak harshly of the parents or angrily.  Despite what these children have been through they still love them.  They talked of how a lot of them are coming from cycles of abuse themselves so they have done the only thing they actually know how to do.  It was wrong, it was painful but it is all they know.  They were teaching us to show grace to these parents who's lives are now forever changed with the loss of their children from their own actions.  Their dirty laundry is laid out for all the world to see.  Upon taking these classes and hearing those things it is so hard to not have things trigger or remind me of my own past experiences.  It made me realize that I have held onto a lot of bitterness and resentment against her.  I judge her for how she chose to live her life.  It is hard not to be angry.  But this anger does no good.  It doesn't hurt her for I will never tell her; because she would never understand.  So I have been thinking of writing her a letter telling her I forgive her...but I don't want to actually send it to her.  I fell that she would feel it's more of an attack and an accusation against her then what it is meant to be.  She still has never been able to take responsibility for loosing custody of us.  So I choose to write the letter anyway.  Only I will write it here.  I will release her because she is loved.  She is hurt.  And though she will never be a part of my life again past the phone calls once or twice a year I wish no ill will against her.  I choose to love her where she is but to release her at the same time.  I want to let go of the past 100% for in doing so there is healing.  I can't expect or want the children we are bringing into our home to get healing and forgiveness unless I can give it myself.

To the woman who gave me birth,

I guess first I should thank you for the life you gave me.  Having my own son has taught me the true miracle of conception, pregnancy and what it truly is to give birth.  Second I suppose I should also thank you for letting me go.

I could sit here and say you didn't fight for me.  But in truth I think you did the best you could.  Life was against you through your addiction and mentality.  You began a battle against yourself and still have yet to learn how to win.  

I choose to hold nothing against you.  I was raised and loved by a wonderful woman who I have the honor to call Mom.  Though I know that hurts you it has become a huge blessing to myself.  I gained a family.  A true family.  

I know you have been hurt and abused in your past.  I know you still haven't let go or moved on from those things.  I pray you can find peace and find the way to break the cycle of abuse in your own life.  You are worth far more than you allow yourself to be.  

God created you with beauty in mind.  And those moments you call me in your sobriety: its in those moments where you are so full of life.  That I can see the reflection of the woman you could be.  THAT is how He intended you to live every single day.  That is how he intended you to feel.  It is in those moments the memories come back to haunt you and you feel overwhelmed, guilty, sad whatever it is and you give up again.  I won't call you weak.  I won't call you a disappointment.  What I know is you are lost.  And when you get lost you go down that rabbit hole of your own mind not caring who you pull down with you or what consequences will come from it  for all you want is escape.

And I forgive you for that.  I forgive you for using the only defense mechanisms you yourself have ever learned (lying, cheating, stealing manipulating).  I forgive all of it.  I choose to look past those faults and to focus on the beauty that is within.  The beauty that I pray one day will emerge.  

But I stand by the boundaries I laid out before.  I can not allow you into my life as you are.  I will love you and pray for you but from a distance.  If you ever decide to make a permanent change I won't promise that we will be close.  I can't promise that I will ever have a mother daughter relationship with you.  But I do promise that I will encourage you to get even better.  I will be honest with you when your ready about those things that you did to hurt me so that healing can take place.  But I will not do it from a place of anger.   I will not judge you for where you came from or where you are.  But out of love.
I will pray for you.  I will love you.  I forgive you. 

~Your Daughter whom you lost