Breaking....

I'm not quite sure where to begin.  I've been having so many good days.  Good positive thoughts.  But lately those are becoming more sporadic.  I know I am extremely blessed.  I have so much to live for and am so happy in life.  But this feeling of I'm meant for something more.  This feeling of wanting to be a Mom but not being able to experience it yet.  I'm so frustrated. All I want is to be able to be a Mom.  To feel the miraculous blessing of having a child grow on the inside of me. 

I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself. 

When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God.  He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born.  He was to be born for a purpose.  At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed.  A prophet to the nations. 

I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control.  But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus. 

Since then so much has happened.  God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past.  Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other.  He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs. 

But lately we are both at a stand still.  We don't know what to pray for.  I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month. 
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

This is how I feel.  Month after month has taken it's tole.  I'm done.  Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.

Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming.  When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be.  You'll get pregnant right away.

But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case.  But how do you say that.  How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin.  Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are.  Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby. 

Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay.  All I could say was that I will be.  I will be okay.  I will.  I'm a survivor.  I have to glass half full mentality.  But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again. 

I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own.  I think we have to go see a fertility specialist.  He said he knows, he agrees.  And that was that.  But then comes a whole other set of emotions. 

I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child.  I don't know how I feel about invitro.  And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first.  But I don't know what to think.  Isaac feels its a gift from  God given to those who can't have children on there own.  I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands.  So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved. 

But to deal with emotions right now:

I do not even know where to start. 

I'm so angry.  I'm angry it's taking this long.  I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on.  I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings.  I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me. 

I feel so unchristian.  I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles.  I'm tired of trying to pray.  I'm tired of giving and blessing other's.  All I want to do is lay down and not move.  All I want to do is cry every day.  All I want is victory. 

Why should me having a child be so hard?  Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?

Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet.  I know His timing is PERFECT.  But it doesn't stop the emotions.  It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm. 

I want to be happy for those around me.  When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.

God I just don't know anymore.  Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be. 

I don't want this time to be wasted.  I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful. 

God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now.  I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves.  I need some help though God.  I need to know your there.  That you are in control. 

Help me Jesus.

I think I'm done for the day.  I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on.  But now I'm gonna let go.  For now I'm going to surrender. 

I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child.  I always said I could never stop working even after kids.  I would of course go down to part time.  But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby.  I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom.  That is a new thought for me.