This chapter is coming to a close

Last night, or rather the past couple days have not been very fun.  I have had so much drainage and sinus drip that I have been hacking, chocking and puking for several hours at night when I try to go to sleep.  The past two nights I ended up having to get out of bed and go sleep in the rocking chair which forces my back to sit straight up and helped a little, but I still ended up coughing up so much that it led to gagging and even more puking.  So needless to say not fun.  I've been taking both clairiton and benadryl without either helping much, though I did wake up this morning without my throat feeling like it's on fire so I say that's a huge step in the right direction.

Other than that things are going really well.  I am 38 weeks 5 days today.  Little man has most definitely dropped in his position.  I feel his head putting a lot of pressure on down there to a point sometimes it feels like he is trying to push his way out.  Here is a picture I took this morning trying to show the difference:

I was thinking last night as Ezekiel was moving around like crazy how much I have loved this experience.  I have loved feeling him move since 12 weeks.  Wow I can't believe I was able to feel him move so early.  But I love it.  I love every second of it.  This journey has been so hard to finally get here.  I can't believe we almost started trying for a family 3 years ago.  And now we are just so close! 

I think about giving birth and am just so excited.  I don't know what God has in store for us.  I don't know what plans he has about us having another baby of our own one day.  But either way we know we want to adopt.  And I know I don't ever want to go through those fertility treatments again.  But as of now Isaac and I feel differently on that, he definitely wants to adopt but he'd like to have one more of our own too and is willing to do the treatments again, though he didn't have to do much of anything for that it was all me.  Though we haven't talked about it in a while.  At first we were both wanting to try and start conceiving again immediately but now I don't.  If it happens I will be thrilled!  But I don't want to actively seek it.  But I want to take time to enjoy this little guy who we prayed for forever without already thinking of whats coming next, or worrying about every little thing during another pregnancy.

But as I'm thinking about welcoming little Ezekiel into the world I am not scared of labor at all.  I am just so excited for it!  Each pressure wave(contraction) that I feel each moment of pain I want to embrace it and enjoy it because: 1- I know it will be bringing us closer and closer to meeting our little man.  2- I don't know if I will be able to experience this again.  I don't know if I will get pregnant on my own and as of now I don't want or plan on doing fertility treatments again.  It's not something we have to know now.  So I can let it be but either way it puts things in perspective.  I want to enjoy every second of my labor.  Despite how tough it can be for others I want to look forward to it with joy and thanksgiving.  Making the entire thing just a worship service praising God for finally bringing us our miracle.

I remember so long ago when God spoke to me we would have  a son and name him Ezekiel I remember knowing in my heart it was going to be something like the story of Abraham and Sarah where they were promised a child and had to wait years and years for it to come to pass....now thank the Lord I haven't had to wait as long as they did but I remember before we even started trying me sharing this feeling with my best friend Krista and telling her that I just felt like when we did start trying it wasn't going to come easy. 

Through it all I can I look back and say I wouldn't change a thing?  No in all honestly I can't.  Even knowing that God's timing is perfect I still hate all the heart ache, pain, stress and brokenness I felt.  I know one day I will look back and see that the timing really was absolutely perfect.  That the lessons we learned(which have been a lot) couldn't have been taught at a better timing or in a better way.  And I just pray that God would open my eyes to see that. 

Do I feel bitter having to have gone through this journey?  No not at all.  Because it has made me appreciate the end result even more.  It has made me sympathetic to other's who are struggling with this same journey.  You never know how hard it is unless you go through it yourself.  And just because of that I am blessed to have experienced this.

So Ezekiel I say to you now as your time is coming near I welcome you with open arms, open hearts and so much love!  I can not wait to have you in my arms little man.  I can not wait to kiss your face and cover you with love.  Your father and I are so excited to meet you!  But we have waited this long for you to arrive we can wait till you are absolutely ready to come into the world. 

Heavenly Father I ask that you would help us to train up this child in the way he should go.  That you would teach us to be the parents that you want us to be.  That you would help us to love unconditionally and show him how to do the same.  I thank you that through this journey you brought us closer and closer to you.  That through this journey nothing has been able to break us or tear us apart.  I thank you Lord that Isaac and I have only grown stronger in our relationship and that we will continue to only grow stronger.  We praise you for it Lord.  God I ask that when our birthing time comes that your peace that surpasses all understanding will guide our hearts.  That you would allow it to be a peaceful time full of your love and gentleness.  I pray you would show us how to be the parents you want us to be.  Show us how to put each other first.  Always.  In your holy name we pray father.  ~Amen