Afraid Of Dissapointment

As my little guy is getting closer and closer to 5 months the thought of having another one is coming more and more frequently.  I wanted to wait till he was a little older but now I am ready to start entertaining the idea.  Or more I"ve been planning and have my timeline all together but if this journey taught me anything it's that my own desired timeline basically can go to hell.

I would love to have another one in September or October of next year or sometime around the fall(my favorite time of the year).  I would love to have new life come around the time Nathan left us as it would just be a glorious reminder that as one life ends another somewhere begins.  But in all reality I don't know if this is even an option.  My periods have returned yes but ovulation has not.  In fact my last period came just two weeks after the one before ended and was extremely heavy and 7 days long.  Which would not give any opportunity for implantation even if I were ovulating. My body just seems all over the place.  But we are going to try none the less.  I'm afraid of being disappointed though and not being able to get pregnant on my own.  I just pray that God works a miracle in my body. 

We did the math and if we get pregnant in December then the baby would be due in September we are not going to go all crazy with trying with fertility treatments, having sex every other day but at least we can try naturally and just go back to enjoying marriage and sex without the thought of I must get pregnant!  Though of course we want it again so that thought will probably be there either way. 

I have to say though my mindset has changed or rather is changing on going back to see an Fertility Specialist.  I hated the emotional turmoil and the frustration that was there but the reward was far greater than the frustration was and therefor was so worth it.  I can't say for sure that we will go back but as of now if we can't get pregnant on our own I think I will be more than willing to try but if it doesnt' happen I wont be devastated since I want to adopt anyway.  But I will at least be able to say I tried.  I loved being pregnant and would love to experience all of that again.  I honestly don't think Isaac would be happy with me not trying.  He wouldn't force the issue but I think he would be hurt I wouldn't be willing to do it again.  But we will broach that subject later since you can not do fertility drugs while nursing and I plan on nursing him for another 7 months.  So that is that. 

But with