I'm so aggravated I wrote an entire post only to press the wrong thing and it deleted everything! So I will attempt to make it up but I don't think it will be quite as good as what I wrote before:
The one year anniversary of Nathan's death has come and gone. I look back and can not believe that it has been a year already yet at the same time so much has happened. I was working most of the day but when I got home it just hit me. Yet at the same time I felt like I just couldn't feel anything. As hard as that is to describe. I wanted to badly to have a way to let out the emotions. Next thing I know I'm pulling out a can of beer and it tastes way better than it should have. I then decide to pull out a few bags of frozen breast milk and make a couple bottles in case Ezekiel, who was already in bed at this point wakes up, and I tell Isaac he was on baby duty if Ezekiel wakes up. I then act on the feeling that my beer wasn't enough. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to numb the pain I felt that just seemed so crippling or even to relax myself enough that I could actually let the emotions out. It's so hard to explain but I felt for the past few months that I have wrapped myself up like a snug little package so tightly in anger, unforgiveness and resentment that I couldn't feel anything anymore. It was as if a wall had been built up in self defense to keep myself from dealing with the real emotions. And since Isaac was already prepared to take care of Ezekiel I began to do shots of Jaegermeister back to back as I cooked dinner. Rather quickly that warm tingly feeling began to come over me and I felt myself begin to relax and the walls begin to come down. I felt my inner self allowing weakness to show and I finally felt some relief. I know, I know, I can see you readers shaking your heads right now in disappointment and displeasure. But for those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I pride myself in being real. I want you readers to get a glimpse of the real me and the life I live. The good the bad and the ugly. And to be quite honest I feel lately I've been lacking in that area besides a post here or there I don't feel like I've talked about my heart or hardships like I used to. But back to my point. I drank and finally was able to let go. As sad as that is I think the only reason I've held onto so much anger is because it is the only emotion I have felt like I could feel. I know I've grieved, I've felt sad, sentimental ect; but mostly all I've felt for months has been anger. Anger that he is gone. Anger that life moves on yet he isn't a part of it. But that night it seemed I finally was able to relax enough where those mental blocks came tumbling down. And today I feel like I can finally say that I forgive Nathan for what he did.
Forgiveness is choosing to live with the consequences of someone Else's choices. I choose to forgive him. I might not understand it or agree with it. But the bottom line is it is done nothing I say or do will bring him back but I want him to be at peace and I want my spirit to move on as well. So That is what i will do. I will do. I will choose forgiveness.
My brother shared this blog with me to try and help me understand what Nathan and himself go through/went through on a daily basis. It is a really good read:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html
Tonight Isaac and myself will be going out on a much needed date night. Our good friend and neighbor will be coming over to watch Ezekiel so that we can go do dinner and just have some alone time. And I am really looking forward to it. Thankfully becoming parents hasn't put too much stress on our marriage but it has definitely made it harder to make each other a priority which is what needs to happen.
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