APRIL is INFERTILITY awareness month- and I have some things I want to share so bare with me as I ramble: For those who struggled with infertility we all know that feeling doesn't just go away when you overcome and finally get your miracle. You can feel sudden and unwelcome jealousy when you see a pregnant person even if your are 100% happy with where you are right now it can just hit you out of the blue. Or unbidden you may get that twinge of annoyance, jealousy or sadness when a friend or family member who doesn't know your struggle or who doesn't share it tells you they are pregnant even though you are so incredibly happy for them so then you deal with with guilt for even feeling jealous, and you have guilt from feeling selfish. But then when you know someone who did struggle with it and you find out they overcame you get so happy for them you begin to cry because you know just how hard it was to overcome that battle yourself. You fight daily with emotions that seem to battle within themselves. You fight with how you think you should feel even though you don't. As an example, and I'm about to get really open here, We said we were never going to try to prevent getting pregnant since it took us 2 years 3 months and one miscarriage (who would have been celebrating their 1st birthday this month) to get pregnant with Ezekiel but then when my lovely cycles returned at just 12 weeks post pardum I was so not ready for another baby and it was such a hard thing to come to terms with I dealt daily with the guilt of wanting to prevent something that I fought so hard to have to begin with. But then as my cycles continued on a month to month basis we discovered my body had gone right back to what it was pre-fertility treatments and I mean EXACT same issues so in order for us to get pregnant again most likely we will have to do fertility treatments again. So then of course comes the emotions of wanting the option to get pregnant even if at the time I wasn't ready for another baby (though now totally ready and welcoming and hoping, even started fertility blend essential oils but will not seek fertility treatments). I was angry at my body sometimes still am depending on the day. If you look at the picture below that speaks of what you tell yourself: I am strong I am worthy, I am beautiful. I am imperfect. I am me, all of those feelings in between are something you fight when you realize your body doesn't work as God intended and its a struggle you have to deal with. Infertility isn't something that just "goes away" even if miraculously you are able to get pregnant again on your own you still deal with the baggage that comes from the war you fought before your miracle arrived, a kind of ptsd in a way. Now no I'm not sharing this to get encouragement, sympathy or anything. We are very blessed and in a very good place right now on our journey and know that God will open the doors for us He wants open and we both feel that regardless we will grow being growing our family through adoption so that is on the horizon for us and an exciting adventure to look towards. I currently have so much peace with where we are and feel that I know if we don't get pregnant again I will be okay because I will still have a house full of children.  In fact I shared with Isaac a fear I have is that if we end up getting pregnant he will not want to continue with an adoption as soon as I would like and I'm realizing that I would rather adopt then be pregnant again currently but would want to have started the adoption process first.  And that realization is strong.  When I told him this he said he believes it would actually be hard for him to want to adopt within the next few years if we have another baby or where to get pregnant now. He told me that I would need to keep pushing him in that direction and I got a little angry.  This isn't something anyone should be "pushed into" this is something we are talking about 1.5-2 years down the road you have plenty of time to get your heart right with it if it's something we are doing.  It's something he says he feels called to do then I will not be "pushing" anyone.  This is something we have talked about doing since before we where even married and something that we have always talked about doing but it's scary as the time draws closer and we are realizing we will be taking the plunge.  I feel unsure most days because of this on what I want.  I would love to be pregnant again and to have another baby, but I'm not willing to let go of my dream of adoption either.  I'm really leaning more towards adopting first before anything else but for now I leave it in God's hands right where it belongs. 

In other news we have continued with the fertiltiy blends of essential oils and nothing new to report.  Ovulating earlier but still not where I need to be and not a long enough Luteal Phase though its getting better.  

But I think I just need some time to really think and pray for Isaac's heart to get on the same page if we do end up conceiving again.  I know God already has the perfect children out there for us to love and reach and I can not wait to be able to do so.   

I have a lot more I would like to write and talk about but feel like for now I've said enough.  I'll be back on soon thoguh.