Where am I going with this? Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart: both adoption and being pregnant.
So where do I actually stand? Do I actually HAVE to make a choice? The answer is no. I can have both and that is actually what I want. I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice. If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter. I would adopt. But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change. And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do. But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is. If I had my way my house would already be full of children. Overflowing from the brim.
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
This this is my heart through and through. No questioning it. I want to love those who feel unlovable even though that is all they are. God had put this feeling just so very strong in my heart and I know there is a reason for this. So why did I get angry at Isaac after our conversation because I wanted his heart to be at the same place and the more we talk the more I'm realizing something. His heart is there but he is afraid. But not in a bad way. He wants to love these children and take them all in the same as myself but what if he doesn't connect, what if they aren't happy with us. Things I don't even think about though I'm sure I should. But I think part of me says it doesn't matter because really all they need is love.
Where does this leave us? The same place we where. We plan on in another year to a year and a half starting the adoption process and expanding our family regardless on if we get pregnant again or not. We will move forward in the way God calls us to.
For now I believe that is all I really have to say but I do hope that brought some clarification on some things. I just want so badly to continue to be a mother and grow our family. Currently I'm trying to pay off as much debt as possible in order to make it easier when the time comes. So we can better provide for the children that will need it so badly and until that day comes I will try to live day by day.
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