I thought I would be okay not getting pregnant again. I thought I would be fine just adopting. But last month I thought it was possible I was expecting! I had taken a test, though I had started spotting 3 days past ovulation and was only 9 days past ovulation the bleeding went from spotting to heavy to nothing all throughout the day each of those days. It reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant with Ezekiel. I was so incredibly excited when I saw a second line......but the problem was it wasn't really there. It was one of those lines where you see it but only if you squint turn the test 100 different ways, take a picture edit it ect; All of which I did. So I thought to myself "Okay Devin you know your just seeing an evaporation line. There is no pink this isn't positive test again later." So a few hours later I did just that and stark negative. So I tried to convince myself that maybe its because I drank too much water(mind you all this time I'm still bleeding/a little more than spotting but not super heavy but definitely bleeding). Here I was trying to convince myself that maybe just maybe I was pregnant indeed even though all signs and facts where pointing to no. And just that tiny little glimmer of possibility made me so incredibly happy. So two days later when my temperature dropped and the heavy flow started I knew that it wasn't real. It was all a big fabrication I told myself. But then I had to really think about it. I knew I wasn't at a place where I could get pregnant....my LP was only 3 days long I had started bleeding right after that, all the same issues I had with fertility stuff before. Despite all of this I was devastated. I broke down and cried on my way to work, several times at work and when I got home. It made me re-evaluate things. I said before I don't think Id ever want to do the fertility dr again but now I feel like I would. I would go through all that again. The outcome was worth every single frustration. But I do still want to adopt and I would rather do that first then go after we are in a good routine with that.
But like I should have said before I can't say THIS right here is what I'm doing because you never know what you might want to change or how things will end up. So instead I suppose I should just be praying Father whatever it is you desire to take place in our lives let that happen.
I also can not believe that in just 3 short weeks my little guy will be turning 1!!! Time has just flown by so fast and I know that it will get even faster the older he gets. So right now I'm trying to live in the moment every single day and cherish him. He has begun looking at me constantly while he's playing to make sure I'm watching him and to see how I will respond to whatever it is he is doing. So I am trying to be present for him. Keep my cell phone down or tv off and just enjoy actually being with him in every way that I can. I'm not gonna lie it's not easy and I fail miserably but now that the weather is nice it seems like it is easier to do.
On Sunday we will be getting family photos taken in the park. Nothing fancy, we won't be posing or outfit changes or anything we will be doing a candid photo session where they just take pictures of us being us. And letting Ezekiel be him. I wanted it this way to just capture the sheer joy of being parents. Of letting us love on him as much as possible. So I am very excited about this.
That being said my Mom is flying in for Ezekiel's birthday party, my Dad however wasn't able to get off work. But that is okay, we will have my in-laws, my mom the god parents here with us all weekend so we will also be doing Ezekiel's baby dedication/baptism as well. That being said how can I not leave you with some updated pictures of cuteness. I have a lot more I could write about when I comes to Isaac and I, our dreams, hopes ect; But only so long for nap times so until next time.
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