Only 3 months to go and I will be meeting with the OBGYN in hopes to get the medication I need in order to have another baby. I'm not going to lie it makes me angry to think that this tiny little pill is all that stands between me and another child and there is no way to get it without a script from a DR. It makes me angry, sad and disappointed all together.
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
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