2 Years

This past week has been a whirl wind of emotions.  We came once again upon the anniversary of my brothers suicide.  I can't believe it has been two years.  That truly flew by so fast.  I realized over the last two years that time really doesn't heal the pain of loss.  But even more than that is that it truly doesn't even numb it.  That when those moments come of reliving the loss and emptiness that is left behind it can be just as raw as it was before.

I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child.  The answer is no.  No I do not want it.  I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time.  I don't want to be looking for similarities.  Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.

So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything.  I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older.  All of it.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go.  This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.

Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction.  He guides me in the way He would have me go.  He opens doors for me that only He can open.  He shuts those only he can shut.

God I truly lay it all down at your feet.  I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go.  I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything.  I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you.  We praise you for it Lord.   ~Amen