A few weeks ago I wrote to a letter to my bioloigical mother on here.....Just last week I was given the  opportunity to send another one.  She called me on Monday very upset and began to cry telling me she just needed to know if we wanted her to disapear or if we actually wanted her to be a part of our life.  The conversation itself was actually not very good  and in the end she hung up on me but it made me realize that she needed to hear what I've discovered in myself:  Forgiveness.

So The next morning I got up early and wrote her a letter.  I began it hand written where I began to just tell her about who I was.  I took it in the approach as someone who just found out their bioligical parents address and decided to reach out to them.  I told her I didn't feel like she knew me...the real me at all.  I told her about how Isaac and I met.  About our trouble conceiving and staying pregnant.  I then told her about the adoption.   And then Ezekiel started waking up and I had to stop.  So the next day I continued the letter by typing it and here is what I said:

Hello Again. I really didn't like that I did not have time to finish my last letter so I sat down during Ezekiel's nap and after work tonight to finish it. I hope you can forgive me for typing this letter versus the hand written one you should have already received. I always felt typed letters were definitely not as personable as hand written, but for me it is faster. To try and make it a little more personal I am including those pictures I promised a few months ago. I apologize it took so long to get to you. There really is no excuse for it.

So starting off I guess in the same way that the last letter was I suppose I can continue to tell you a little bit about who I am. Besides the obvious: your daughter who is a 30 year old mom.

I love to read. My favorite books are murder mystery and Science Fiction fantasy books. I also love to paint(this I know you already know since I sent you several paintings years ago). I however don't get much time for it anymore but when I finally do sit down to paint I always remember how much I love it. I'm definitely out of practice though. My favorite drinks would be coffee and red wine. I like my coffee to taste like coffee. Not black but not a lot of cream or sugar. As to wine I prefer it on the drier side if it is too sweet I have no interest. Movies: well that is actually interesting. I'm the type of person once I see a movie I remember almost every detail so have no desire to watch it again for another couple years. The only movie I can say I absolutely love and will watch it several times a year is The Nightmare Before Christmas. I absolutely love this movie! I really like almost all of Tim Burton’s movies. I've already gotten Ezekiel to sit down and watch it with me.

Let's see what else.....Originally before going to hair school I had started college for pastoral ministry. I realized this was 100% not for me. I feel like the religious world, church's, organizations etc; put way too many things in white and black. It is a huge universe and I feel like it was almost trying to put God in a box. I suppose this is a good time to get into who I am spiritually. I am a Christian. I believe in miracles, hearing from God, callings etc; But I also believe in being non judgmental and loving people where they are. Not pushing my beliefs on everyone. I am proud to have friends who are wicken, atheist, agnostic, gay, etc; I love everyone for who they are NOT for who others think they should be. I would like to state though that not judging someone for their lifestyle is not the same as putting up boundaries and protecting yourself from things you don't want in your own life. I believe a relationship is either edifying for you or tears you down. You can't have it both ways. That being said I want you to know me...the real me not the surface girl I am when I talk on the phone with you. When you called me the other day upset you asked me if I want a relationship with you or would I prefer you to go away. The answer gets a little complicated. I absolutely want a relationship with you. The sober you that has called me and made me laugh, or had cried on my shoulder. When you called me the other day and told me how you feel I respect that. I appreciate your honesty. I want you to be honest about things that hurt or that your going through but also interested in me and what my life entails. You are not the victim. You need to stop beating yourself up for the past and move forward to a better you. I hold nothing against you so you shouldn't either. You don't have to be afraid that I won't love you or will stop talking to you when you respect my boundaries. It was in those sober conversations I always had hope for a relationship beyond the phone call every couple months. One of the reasons I never call is because I don't know how you would be if I did (sober or not). You might be thinking but I don't drink or do (insert here) but from our past relationship and our past experiences(some of which I really doubt you even remember) I hope you can understand why it is hard to trust you. Even on pain pills your mind begins to slip a little. I feel like you might be searching your mind wanting an example so I will give you a brief one that comes to mind. I believe you were with a guy named Don at the time...you called me definitely not sober to tell me he stole a wedding ring he gave you to sell it for something, he has a meth lab in the garage that you didn't know about but the police just raided but they left you alone because you can't go down into the garage/basement so you didn't know it was there ect; You were so upset and kind of out of it you actually scared me. I called you the next day...you didn't even remember the conversation. We have actually had a lot of conversations like this. Conversations where you have lied, or backtracked, or speaking to me not in a clear mind. I know 100% what went on with the custody battle between you and Dad. And I know a lot more than you ever wanted me to know But if you are willing I do want to move forward. I hold nothing against you. And I forgive you. I do want a relationship but one built from scratch. From this day forward. Cant we start over? I'm willing to as long as we can adhere to these boundaries: Do not call me if you are not sober . Respect the fact that I need to get to know you before I have you become a part of my husband and children's lives. You are my mother, but your also a stranger. I want to change that if your willing to work towards it. If your going to be in my life I will draw the healthy boundaries needed to keep my emotions and relationships in a good place and as we grow to get to know one another I will allow you into other aspects of my life.

I think the one thing that anyone who gets to know about me should know is that I hate being lied to. I would rather know the truth about something then for someone to lie to either make themselves feel better or try to be on my good side. It just makes me loose respect for the person lying to me. Truth always comes out in one way or another. And being I honestly and truly don't judge people where they are I don't understand the need to lie.

I guess after all that heavy talk I should move on and tell you a little bit about my job. I am a hairdresser but more than that I am actually a stay at home Mom for the most part. I am home with Ezekiel all day and go to work two nights a week and Saturdays when Isaac can be home with Ezekiel. We love this because he never has to be with babysitters or in daycare. Once we have the new children in our home I will probably have to cut back my hours even more so that we can learn to function together as a family.

I suppose with that being said I can go back to the adoption since that is where I had to leave you rather abruptly in the last letter. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. I knew that this was in my heart since the very beginning. In fact when I got to the age of dating if a guy told me they didn't know if they wanted to adopt or travel for missions work....they were immediately put in the friends zone. I just knew that this was a calling for me. I think that is part of what attracted me to Isaac so much. We met traveling, working with orphans and I knew he already had a heart for this. As to why we are pursuing older children. It's because it is the older children who know exactly what is going on. They are feeling the rejection over and over again when they walk into a new foster home and are forced to leave or abandoned yet again by another person. We want when the child who walks into our home to know that they are loved for EXACTLY who they are and that we are there for them. They don't have to be afraid anymore. It is also harder for these kids to get adopted since so many people are not willing to continue therapy, counseling etc; for them if they need it or to work through behavioral issues that arise from their past abuse. But we have been taking classes and preparing ourselves to the very best of our ability on how to help these children who will be coming into our home. We are excited, nervous and yet ready. I won't be sharing much if anything about the children we take in with anyone for a while. We need to respect their past and help them move forward into our family. We will be taking time with just us learning how to connect and work together before we introduce them to anything beyond us.

I feel like I have kind of given you a good if not brief idea of who I am. But I feel like I need to say again. I really do love you. I hold nothing against you and want you to become the best woman you can be. You can't go back and change the decisions you have made already but we can work towards a brighter future.

Included are some pictures we took as family photos when Ezekiel turned one but also Pictures we just took last week of him and myself together. I really do love you Mom. I really do not hold anything against you and really would love to have our relationship turn around for the better.

With Love,

~Devin


I feel like this was so important for me.  I needed to say what I said.  And I believe she needed to hear it.  It was almost a week before I heard back from her but when she called me yesterday she opened up in a way I was so impressed with.  She told me that she was sorry for everything.  That she knows in the past that she has in fact called me when she was not sober and that is the first time in 30 years that she has every taken responsibility for actions.  She agreed to adhere to the boundaries.  She wants to try to get clean.  She wants me in her life.  I was so happy to hear it.  But at the same time I don't expect change.  It has already been 30 years.  I pray that action will speak louder than words.  

But it is amazing and so freeing that I am able to let go.  I really to love her(something I was able to say for the first time in years)  But the boundaries are there and they shall not change.   

I suppose time will tell and I really hope it goes for the better.  She only lives 6 hours away and the desire to go and see her has been getting stronger.  But I know that will open up a whole side of our relationship I'm not sure I'm ready for yet.  So we shall see.  I will continue to reach out to her and let her know updates on my life.  I really want the change so badly to happen but also know I can't expect it.  
Regardless of what happens I just want her to have healing in her own life.  To stop going down this rabbit hole of destruction.  I just want her to heal.