Well I guess the main course of introduction is as follows. I'm so very tired of trying to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I figured a blog might be a good start to letting out my emotions of a crazy journey right now. And hopefully get me in touch with some others in the same journey. To laugh together to cry together maybe even just for myself. I'm really not sure how to do this but I figured now was as good a time as any to start. I've always found that when I write something down I can actually be honest. I'm a very positive bubbly person (or at least that's what I'm told over and over again) So when life hands me lemons I normally just make lemonade but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes you just want so badly to take that freakin lemon and chuck it as hard as you can right back at life's face.
If you haven't guessed now from the title of the post A lot of this blog is going to be about the incredibly awful emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive. With all the ups and downs I truly believe that God works every single thing out for His glory and for the benefit of His children. But sometimes it just gets so very hard to see it. So I plan on this blog being a few things: An outlet for my current emotions, along with just some great overall ideas and sharings of life in general. I pray that my current problems won't be here forever but I would like to create a place where other readers struggling with the same can come and feel encouraged.
So that being said here we go with my back story:(warning it will be long and detailed)
So this month made it a year that my husband and I have tried and failed to start a family. Through this year we have definitely grown closer thank the Lord, I know for some couples this can have the opposite effect. From the beginning my husband and I have bought the ovulation kits and no luck. So recently a friend of mine allowed me to borrow her book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. So I am now on month four of charting and have discovered I have not only anovulatory cycles even though I got positives on the ovulation kits, my body just isn't getting quite enough progesterone to trigger ovulation. Id have all the symptoms I was going to then nothing. So on the months I have ovulated*the past two I have had extrememly short Luteal phases on the month only 3 days this past month and only 5 days last month. I have to say I'm excited to even see the temperature shift though because it means I'm actually ovulating now*I've been taking Vitex 3x a day* But also so incredibly frustrated that the luteal phase is impossibly short.
I recently, this past Thursday in fact took the plunge to go see a doctor, not a obgyn, not yet. But just a standard general practitioner. I explained I wanted my thyroid checked. Due to certain symptoms including some of the infertility issues I want to see if maybe that's all it is.
I know some of you readers are thinking, why don't you just go see an obgyn, get their opinion. Well for some of you readers on the other side of the spectrum you know it's not quite as simple as just saying ok let's go. There are so many emotions involved. I don't want to admit that I can not get pregnant on my own. I can't do what thousands of women do every year. I can not conceive. So I look into natural remedies, Vitex vitamins to extend the Luteal phase, getting checked out by a regular DR to see if maybe it's my thyroid and not my ovaries.
I try and tell myself every day that it will happen in God's timing but the truth is I am so very tired of God's timing. It use to be that I had good days and bad days. But it seems lately that bad days just seem to be getting more frequent and more frustrating.
You get so tired of having your friends, coworkers or family members asking "So when are you gonna have kids?" It's gotten to a point now I just have to tell them to please stop asking me because I've been trying and am having problems and their constant questions are really frustrating. So finally no one asks anymore, but you know every time they see you they are thinking: I wonder if she's pregnant yet, I wonder if she's really ok.
The answer to that is yes and no. Some days, most days I am ok. But then there are those days you are just tired of making Lemonade.
I get so angry when I see these young girls who get pregnant have a baby then leave it to their parents to raise them while they go off and finish high school. Or to see unfit parents and their horrific stories pop up on the news. It just makes you want to scream.
Why is it that those who shouldn't be able to have children are the ones that seem to have them? Then there is again the other side of the spectrum, close friends, acquaintances, co workers and family members who share with you the wonderfully exciting news with you that they are pregnant. You really are so incredibly happy for them but inside you are also just so jealous. So hurt that you can't be the one sharing that news.
I feel that life really is a journey and maybe God has other plans for us. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt, we actually plan to adopt even if we have our own children. Our lifelong goal is to one day open an orphanage in Africa.
So part of me says well maybe that's why, maybe God has other plans, and you know what maybe he does but it really doesn't make the journey or dissapointment any easier.
I want to be able to experience the wonderful miracle of growing a human being inside of me. I want to be able to look at my husband and say your going to be a Daddy! I want to stop hurting, I want to stop my husband's hurting.
It's not an easy thing to look at the love of your life and tell them...I'm sorry I failed again. Now no he doesn't feel like I failed. But I do. I feel that every month I have to tell him no again a little bit of him breaks inside.
So for now here it is the general story. The feelings that I have. The feelings that I need so badly to vent in regards to my journey to get pregnant...I'm going to try and post here. I know in my heart of hearts that it will happen one day. I can say though I am just so incredibly tired of the wait.
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