A little bit Preachy

So I'm going to go ahead and warn any readers this post is going to be a little bit preachy.  Not to you but more to myself. 

First of all I finally feel better.  I caught that nasty flue two weeks ago which turned into 102 degree fever which turned into acute sinus infection that was trying to spread into my chest/lungs so I was on amoxicillin, steroids and something else up until yesterday but I FINALLY feel better. 

During these past two weeks of just feeling awful feeling depressed and kind of in Limbo I was able to think.  Mainly because I had no energy to do anything else. 

I use to be so full of faith.  I use to be able to just believe whole heartily that something was going to happen and it did.  Childlike faith.  I knew if I believed it would take place.  There was no doubt, no question in my mind.   What happened to that person?  Slowly with the frustrations of this journey the jealousies I've allowed it to just kind of disappear.  It's become a struggle to be positive its become a struggle to look for people to minister to, to sing my heart out in worship to my king. 

I use to be so in love with my Maker.  He was the reason I got up every morning, slowly though it's been I can't wait to get up check my temperature, cervical mucus, take my ovulation predictor ect;

When did trying to conceive become my idol?  Maybe slowly, it kind of crept up on me.  My God has made me to be a mother.  I know this but he has also made me to be so much more.  Every day I walk through a world that is hurting and broken.  Every day I walk through a world that is torn apart.  Every day I work with the public and meet people who just need a little bit of love. 

When did I turn my cares away from them?  I use to be so happy despite the trials of this journey.  Limbo in itself has become my living hell.  The not happy not sad just here feeling has taken over and I hate it. 

I say enough is enough.  I was created for a purpose.  I know I WILL be a mother.  I know I WILL one day hold my very own babies in my arms and to be quite honest despite how long this has taken when it happens it will be the most perfect timing in the world.  God sees it all.  He sees the finish line.   I'm running a race of endurance and I have to choose am I going to make a difference in between.  Stop and help the needy, heal the broken hearted, minister to those that need it or am I going to keep my eyes only on myself without looking right or left.  Thinking myself is more important than others? 

He said in Mark 9:35 "New Living Translation"
"He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else."

When did I loose sight of this?  It happened so gradually.  I knew it happened but got to a point that I just didn't care.  I wallowed in self pity.  Wallowed in my own pit of destruction.  But I have a calling.  To be a mother yes but so much more than that too.  God has called me to minister to others.  To be a missionary.  I will open my orphanage in Africa one day I will go and pour out into others.  

He has called me and I must answer.  Its a long journey that I know will come to fruition.  But Once I become a mother the ministry must continue as well.  I have been called to do so much for so many.  God has called me to pour out into others.  I just want to his overwhelming presence to resonate out of me.  I want to love the unlovable touch the untouchable.  I want to be a light to those who are constantly surrounded by darkness.  

I believe by faith that I will get pregnant.  I believe by faith it will happen this month but I will no longer allow that to be my soul focus.  I will not allow it to be the reason I wake up in the morning.

Every morning I wake up I will have a purpose.  That purpose will be to be the biggest blessing I can to those around me:  my husband first, my co workers, my clients strangers I meet on the street and then finally myself.  I choose to be a servant to everyone else.  

When I have children it wont be about me, it will be about them and seeing them expand on their own spiritual journeys as well.  I will stop looking at myself alone and start focusing on others.


Thank you Jesus for this gentle lesson.  I hate the fact I had to get ill to listen but sometimes my mind just keeps going and refuses to listen.  So my Lord, my great and holy God I recommit my life to you.  I never left you but I've been running this race refusing to help my neighbors like the story of the good Samaritan I've passed by so many hurting and broken without even giving it a second thought.  Forgive me Lord.  No more.

Show me who to minister to .  I open myself back up to you.  I thank you that your grace is indeed sufficient for me.  Your blood covers a multitude of sins.  As far as the east is from the West so far you have removed my sin from me.  Jesus I lay it all down.  I thank you for second chances.  I thank you for new vision.  I am motivated with new vision.  I will minister, I will pour out into others  and in turn I will be a blessing therefore I will be blessed spiritually and emotionally.  

Open doors and I will walk through them.  I will get pregnant.  Your blood has given me authority.  I am healed by your stripes.  I will have a child and will be able to teach them the way you desire for them to be raised.  And in this journey of conception I will no longer ignore the others needs around me.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen