Choosing Forgiveness

As the anniversary of Nathan's death(suicide) approaches it is bringing up all sorts of feelings.  Mostly anger, which surprises me.  But I'm having a hard time forgiving him for what he did.  Part of me says why do I need to forgive him he's no longer alive.  But in my heart I know his spirit lives on.  And unforgiveness is similar to a brown rotting area on a piece of fruit it slowly spreads and makes it unusable.  It is the same way with unforgiveness.  It slowly creeps into your soul making you bitter and angry at not just the current situation but the world.  I feel like even in the spiritual sense that he knows I'm angry and so is keeping his distance.  I haven't had the dreams where we visit, or the things that make me smile.  I just want to cry or punch something.  It seems to be one or the other.

If we were to go back in time I don't know if he would make a different choice.  He wanted out for so many years.  And he was so happy that day.  I just wish I could tell him really tell him how much I love him.

I think that might be one of the reason's I am so angry.  Because I can't.  I can't tell him how much I love him.  I can't tell him I forgive him even if we get to that point, which makes me angrier.

I want to forgive him.  I want to cherish the positives.  Look at the memories with fondness not hurt.  It's so incredibly hard though to see a silver lining in this.

Suicide leaves a nasty wake of destruction for everyone the victim leaves behind.  I say victim because that is exactly what it is.  It's a sickness.   A disease and the victim sees no other alternative to get through their current trials or issues.

It makes me want to just reach out to everyone struggling with depression and scream at the top of my lungs how special they are!  Even if they don't realize it in that moment their absence from this life will leave a hole that can not be repaired.

If I could have one last day with my brother I don't think I would spend it trying to talk him out of it.  To tell him how important he is and how much it would hurt us would only be a temporary fix.  Instead I would want to know why he feels he must do it.   Truly dissect his mind and get to the black lie that burrowed deep into his brain.

I wish I could say that things like this get easier.  They don't.  It gets a little numb.   Doesn't quite sting as bad in the debilitating way it did before.  But it doesn't get easier.

I will always miss my little brother.  I will always wonder why he chose that night, mere hours after we talked to end his life.  Why did he tell home how much he loves me and thanks God for making me his sister instead of just straight out saying goodbye.

Nathan I hate what you did!  I hate that I can't hug you, laugh with you, cry with you or even talk to you.  You are gone.  That is the hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to wrap my mind around.  Part of me wonder's if I don't want to forgive you because it's the only thing keeping me from feeling like I've moved on.  Like I'm afraid I'll forget you and how much of a hole you leave in my life. But I know can never move on from this.  I would never be able to forget you.  I can't pretend that what you did hasn't changed my life for the worse for the rest of my time here on earth.  But I want to forgive you.  I want your spirit to be free and mine as well.  I just wish I knew why.  I just wish I truly knew what reason you decided to leave us.  But whatever the reason you are gone now and there is no bringing you back.  I miss it when you used to visit me in my dreams.  We would laugh and talk and cry.  It was as if you were still here with me.  But I know that I have to let go.  I have to trust that you truly are in a better place.  Nathan I choose to forgive you.  Though my heart isn't quite there yet I am releasing my spirit to forgive you.  I want to forgive you.  I want to remember only the good and have this bitter feeling of your loss be gone.  I love and miss you so incredibly much!  

I can not believe that it's almost there.  November 1 at 3 am your spirit left us.  October 31st 7 pm we talked and I told you we were pregnant.  That we saw the heartbeat.  That we were all so excited.  Nathan I miss you.  I always will.  And as angry as I am for what you did I love you even more then all those other emotions.  So I choose to forgive you.  I just pray God would help me.  Because I choose forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.