De Ja Vu

I just can't do it.  I can't go through it all over again.  Its like a bad case of de ja vu.  My periods came back at 12 weeks and I was so excited since the first two seemed to be "normal" 4/5 days 31 days in between everything looked so promising to be able to get pregnant on our own.  Then things started going downhill.  First with the third period coming just two weeks after the other one ended(where I ovulated or got a + opk) just two days prior to its arrival it lasted 7 days and was really heavy.  Then that cycle  the next period came at 28 days and I am now on day 9 it is very heavy and painful and have all these horrible memories coming back of how hard it was to get pregnant the first time and how messed up my cycles were before.

We always wanted our kids close in age and if I can not be ovulating on my own then chances are that I might not get to get pregnant on our own as well.  But really we can't afford  fertility treatments.  But then as I begin to get disappointed I keep feeling that tugging on my heart asking why isn't one enough?  And I begin to get this overwhelming feeling to foster and bring in all these little ones that are less fortunate than us who need someone to love them.  The desire to foster has become so strong on my heart.  But Isaac isn't there.  He would rather adopt then foster.  He said he is afraid of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away.  I understand that but also feel those might be the kids that need the most love the ones who get placed in our care from a bad situation but then may be required to go back there.  Then I think of those kids that are a little older, siblings that if they don't get adopted together will be separated and placed in separate homes and I want to take them in to.  My heart just feels like it's breaking so much for all these little ones.  All I want to do is bring them all in.

I have an idea that popped into my head even as I'm writing this.  What if we were to get a house, or someone donated one, and we build it up almost like a daycare center, but with rooms for children to sleep in, toys ect; and it is a foster care house, not an orphanage but a place where other foster parents come together and we take shifts where there are always a few adults together there 24/7 and we are able to take in as many foster care children as possible.  I know in certain states(I've heard here in PA) there are so many kids in need that some of them have to sleep at the cps offices since there are not enough foster parents to take them in.  This just breaks my heart and should never be the case!  Wouldn't it be great to be able to join together with other foster parents and have a community built like this.  It makes me almost think of an orphanage.  But I guess really I need Isaac to be on the same page as me when it comes to fostering over adoption.  This isn't something I feel i should talk constantly to him about.  He knows my heart and I've left it at that.  He needs to have God point him this direction if it's the direction we are supposed to go.

But back to the current.  I am very frustrated with my body yet starting to realize that God has a plan.  Some days that is easier to accept then others.  But I decided this month I will check for ovulation just to see if I'm even ovulating at a place where it will make it possible to get pregnant.  If not then Okay I know that no matter what If God wants it to happen he will work another miracle.  If it turns out I am ovulating then okay, we will see if we get a surprised blessing one month.


It also brings up fears that my estrogen levels might be high again naturally and not going down which according to google(never should have looked it up) can lead to all sorts of issues such as ovarian cancer, breast cancer ect;  I know this isn't something I should give into I shouldn't allow fear to rule in my life or heart but I can't help getting angry and frustrated.   I won't let the fear control me but I will be proactive about it.  If we end up not getting pregnant in the next few years I might talk to my dr about what can we do to decrease my estrogen levels that do not include birth control since every   one they put me on isn't a high enough dose so I end up having break through bleeding every single time and just all around I'm kind of a mess on it.



So that being said that is what is going on with me lately.  An inner struggle and argument with myself on a regular basis of one minute being okay and happy with not getting pregnant again and the next thinking it's just unfair and Ezekiel is so amazing I want  another one and I loved being pregnant.



But I choose to let it go.  God I give you control.  I know it is so easy to get frustrated with the way things are and to allow myself to obsess and just overall become a little crazy.  But I choose to truly lay it all down at your feet.  I ask that you would make me who you desire for me to be.  Help Isaac and I to have our hearts both line up with what you desire of us.  I ask that you would open doors you want open for us and close those you want closed.  We thank you and praise you for it Lord in your holy name.  ~Amen.  

And for your viewing pleasure here are some Christmas photos I took of Ezekiel