I have noticed I keep feeling like I need to justify my feelings.  I need to make my feelings seem a certain way so that if anything where to happen such as:
A) We get pregnant
B) We get placed with a baby
C) We decide never to get pregnant again

I feel like I need to set myself up a certain way so that if people find out my story they will feel like Oh well she's really okay with this.  Oh Well I guess this is why etc;  But truth be told I'm coming to realize I have absolutely no reason to feel like I need to justify myself to anyone.   If one day I wake up and feel like I am willing to let myself even try to be pregnant again than so be it.  But until that day comes there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling and admitting I am not at a place I could handle that anymore.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that I have a hard time even picturing myself with a newborn anymore.

I know that God's ways are so much higher than my own and I know that if somehow somewhere down the line something happens where I end up taking in someone else's baby or having our own then I will know and be reminded of the true miracle that babies are.  But even more than that my  circumstances have shown me how much children, all children of any age, race, etc are a miracle.  They want and need to be loved and to feel wanted.

Our adoption agency recently just shared this video of some of the older children awaiting permanent homes.  They want so badly for some one to give them a shot.  Isaac and I have realized in this process that the more we get into it the older we feel willing to go.  Now being we are both only in our 30s it is hard to picture taking on a 17-21 year old but we are willing to go higher up then we originally thought we would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today 10/6/2017 we had our very first home study with our social worker for adoption. I can't believe we are finally here! We knew we liked our social worker before but today we liked her even more and it was just confirmation that we are in the right place. One thing she said that really stuck out without being prompted was that she knows we have a young son at home so that anytime she begins looking for a match with us that she will start with Ezekiel. That he will take priority above everything else in: Will Ezekiel be safe with this child/children? Will they be a good sibling to him? Can they fit into a dynamic of having a younger sibling etc. Regardless of our feelings if there are any signs or reasons that there might be a red flag in regards to this she will say no. This put our minds at ease as we really know that this is exactly what our hearts themselves were demonstrating.

How are things looking for the future and timing? Admittedly we have no idea about our time frame on when we will have our new family member(s). Out of 300+ kids we were able to narrow it down to around 25/30 that we feel might be a good fit for our family. Our social worker armed with the information she will get as we continue on with the home studies (psychological, emotional and physical assessments on your life, relationship, past, parenting, marriage, home etc;) she will be able to tell more what we will be good at parenting and what kids will click right into our family. She will also be able to tell what trauma or behavioral areas we might be better at helping kids through. That being said I feel like I should share it again: Our children's backgrounds will be theirs. As much as we love our friends and will need support we will also be respecting the background of our kids and only sharing what we feel is appropriate to others. We ask that you respect this.

Once our home studies are complete and matches are made we will meet with social workers of the children who will also interview us and decide if we are a good match for their kids. If they feel we are(depending on the age of the child) they will get a chance to read our family profile the social worker will talk to them about us and if they feel like they want to meet us(or if the social worker feels we are a good fit) then Isaac and I (without Ezekiel) will meet the kids one on one as many times as needed to find out if we all fit together. During these visits they talk to the kids after to find out if they feel as well they would like to be with us or not. The frequency and amount of these one on one visits will vary with every child as will permanent placement timing.

What would we like prayer for?

~Continued prayer that our children are kept safe and able to continue to heal even now before they come to join our family.

~ Prayers and wisdom for the social workers as they begin this matching process and home study assessments for us.

~That we will continue to enjoy the journey. So far we have just been cherishing every moment we can as a family of 3 as that changes and do not want to rush into everything. We have so much peace about the current time frame that everything has been on and just want to continue to remain on that time frame.