I made it through yesterday, the due date of our precious little angel baby.  This month I've kept myself so busy I almost forgot what was missing.  Both my brother and this little miracle.  But I got hit with a big wave of grief on Friday and just felt every fiber of myself crying out in despair.  I know that sounds like a line from a novel or movie but I don't really know any other way to describe it.  I kept myself busy and distracted all month and it caught up to me.  This child we lost was going to be our joy in a time of sadness.  A gift in a hard time.  Now it's too empty places in my heart. (For you new readers who haven't started at the beginning: It will be 3 years on October 31st that I lost my youngest brother to whom I was really close
 to suicide).  But I know God's plans are higher than my own and as excited as I am to be where I am right now in our adoption process and as much as I know we are most definitely on the right path I know that it doesn't take away your grief or disappointment.  A loss of a baby will forever be on your mind.

But we are moving forward in love, in loss, in grief and in joy.  I will pursue those kids that God has out there waiting for me with as much gusto and passion as we did getting pregnant.

That being said tomorrow is our safety check and then we enter our very last waiting period before the matching process.  We are so excited to be at this place.  While we don't know what things will look like for us or how it will pan out we do know that His ways are so much higher than our own.  We will not be looking at others for input on who we bring into our family apart from there social workers but we will  continue to ask for prayers.

Tomorrow afternoon I will actually be flying out with little man to my family to spend the anniversary of this loss with loved ones.  It will be a time of memory laughter and love.  I am so looking forward to it.