There is such power in positive thinking such power in believing in something without doubting. I've been so focused on my frustrations. So focused on the depression and aggravation. I've been thinking of all the things that are wrong with me. Of all the things I will need to do in order to get pregnant. But what about the positives? What about the God I serve? A God of so many miracles. A God who has proven himself time and time again to be a God of such great miracles to me.
Lately I've been kind of on autopilot just living day to day counting down to the time frame I can go get medical help to get pregnant. Some days I feel so positive nothing can keep me down other days just worn down I don't know how I would be able to get up. But every day I have to keep going. Every day I have to decide where to go. But yesterday I feel I had some breakthrough.
I will believe with all my heart to conceive a child. I will believe for a healthy pregnancy. I will believe for it all now and soon. I am not quite there yet. But they say to fake it till you make it. Every day I will make the proclamation that I will conceive this month. I will Have a baby. We will be parents and it will begin to happen now.
I will make this declaration every day. I will surrender it all. No more negativity. No more depression frustration or anything of that sort. I will believe and proclaim it every day!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Breaking....
I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've been having so many good days. Good positive thoughts. But lately those are becoming more sporadic. I know I am extremely blessed. I have so much to live for and am so happy in life. But this feeling of I'm meant for something more. This feeling of wanting to be a Mom but not being able to experience it yet. I'm so frustrated. All I want is to be able to be a Mom. To feel the miraculous blessing of having a child grow on the inside of me.
I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself.
When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God. He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born. He was to be born for a purpose. At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed. A prophet to the nations.
I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control. But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus.
Since then so much has happened. God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past. Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other. He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs.
But lately we are both at a stand still. We don't know what to pray for. I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
This is how I feel. Month after month has taken it's tole. I'm done. Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.
Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming. When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be. You'll get pregnant right away.
But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. But how do you say that. How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin. Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are. Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby.
Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay. All I could say was that I will be. I will be okay. I will. I'm a survivor. I have to glass half full mentality. But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again.
I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own. I think we have to go see a fertility specialist. He said he knows, he agrees. And that was that. But then comes a whole other set of emotions.
I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child. I don't know how I feel about invitro. And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first. But I don't know what to think. Isaac feels its a gift from God given to those who can't have children on there own. I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands. So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved.
But to deal with emotions right now:
I do not even know where to start.
I'm so angry. I'm angry it's taking this long. I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on. I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings. I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me.
I feel so unchristian. I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles. I'm tired of trying to pray. I'm tired of giving and blessing other's. All I want to do is lay down and not move. All I want to do is cry every day. All I want is victory.
Why should me having a child be so hard? Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?
Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet. I know His timing is PERFECT. But it doesn't stop the emotions. It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm.
I want to be happy for those around me. When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.
God I just don't know anymore. Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be.
I don't want this time to be wasted. I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful.
God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now. I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves. I need some help though God. I need to know your there. That you are in control.
Help me Jesus.
I think I'm done for the day. I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on. But now I'm gonna let go. For now I'm going to surrender.
I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child. I always said I could never stop working even after kids. I would of course go down to part time. But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby. I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom. That is a new thought for me.
I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself.
When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God. He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born. He was to be born for a purpose. At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed. A prophet to the nations.
I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control. But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus.
Since then so much has happened. God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past. Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other. He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs.
But lately we are both at a stand still. We don't know what to pray for. I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
This is how I feel. Month after month has taken it's tole. I'm done. Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.
Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming. When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be. You'll get pregnant right away.
But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. But how do you say that. How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin. Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are. Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby.
Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay. All I could say was that I will be. I will be okay. I will. I'm a survivor. I have to glass half full mentality. But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again.
I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own. I think we have to go see a fertility specialist. He said he knows, he agrees. And that was that. But then comes a whole other set of emotions.
I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child. I don't know how I feel about invitro. And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first. But I don't know what to think. Isaac feels its a gift from God given to those who can't have children on there own. I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands. So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved.
But to deal with emotions right now:
I do not even know where to start.
I'm so angry. I'm angry it's taking this long. I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on. I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings. I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me.
I feel so unchristian. I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles. I'm tired of trying to pray. I'm tired of giving and blessing other's. All I want to do is lay down and not move. All I want to do is cry every day. All I want is victory.
Why should me having a child be so hard? Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?
Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet. I know His timing is PERFECT. But it doesn't stop the emotions. It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm.
I want to be happy for those around me. When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.
God I just don't know anymore. Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be.
I don't want this time to be wasted. I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful.
God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now. I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves. I need some help though God. I need to know your there. That you are in control.
Help me Jesus.
I think I'm done for the day. I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on. But now I'm gonna let go. For now I'm going to surrender.
I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child. I always said I could never stop working even after kids. I would of course go down to part time. But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby. I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom. That is a new thought for me.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Deep Breaths
So far no ill effects from starting Metformin, though I've only been taking it now for 5 full days. But I have to say I'm getting to a point of a lull. I don't know any other way to explain it. I'm so frustrated. I'm so ready to be a Mom. I want to experience the actual wonderful gift of being pregnant.
We always said we will adopt if I don't get pregnant and we will. Well shoot we actually plan on adopting even if we do have our own. We want to adopt at least two. But now that we are nearing the points where we will have to make plans if I don't conceive in the next few months and my mind is just racing with the what if's and maybes.
God give me strength. I want a baby and I want one soon! I want to be pregnant by January. If we aren't by the end of February we actually plan on making an appointment with a fertility specialist. Just one step at a time. I keep trying to remind myself that but it's not always easy. I have peace which is great but not enough anymore.
I don't know I'm rambling now so I'm gonna end this.
We always said we will adopt if I don't get pregnant and we will. Well shoot we actually plan on adopting even if we do have our own. We want to adopt at least two. But now that we are nearing the points where we will have to make plans if I don't conceive in the next few months and my mind is just racing with the what if's and maybes.
God give me strength. I want a baby and I want one soon! I want to be pregnant by January. If we aren't by the end of February we actually plan on making an appointment with a fertility specialist. Just one step at a time. I keep trying to remind myself that but it's not always easy. I have peace which is great but not enough anymore.
I don't know I'm rambling now so I'm gonna end this.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Taking steps forward
So finally got the results back on my pcos test. My Dr said everything is consistent with pcos so today I started 500 mg of Metformin that I will take two times a day for just 10 days then we will bump it up to 750 mg 2x a day. I'm hoping that things will move forward rather quickly. On top of trying to get pregnant I'm also trying to loose weight and it hasn't really been going well. I've been exercising every day, eating super healthy*under 1500 calories every day** and this being fruits, veggies ect. and I haven't lost a single pound. There isn't a ton of straightforward information on pcos. But my Dr. said that if I am not pregnant by my appointment next month she will want to do another test to see how my body is reacting to the medication....so maybe that means I actually do have a shot at getting pregnant soon! But I also will need to stay on it it seems. Especially if I want to continue to be able to loose weight even after I have a baby. I'm so relieved and so excited to be able to take steps in the right direction. I feel like I'm finally moving forward. I feel like this is the right direction and I have complete peace. So far*I know it's only the first day** but zero side effects.
I'm just super ready to begin. I feel like I have been at a stand still in everything. Emotionally, I still have good days and bad days but its been more good then anything. I also have to say I have a very nice sense of peace. I have for a few weeks now but I'm getting a little more antsy every day. I want a family. I want to make my husband a father. I want to be a mommy. I'm so excited for what the future has in store and I will just trust and believe day by day things will work out. Just one step at a time.
I'm just super ready to begin. I feel like I have been at a stand still in everything. Emotionally, I still have good days and bad days but its been more good then anything. I also have to say I have a very nice sense of peace. I have for a few weeks now but I'm getting a little more antsy every day. I want a family. I want to make my husband a father. I want to be a mommy. I'm so excited for what the future has in store and I will just trust and believe day by day things will work out. Just one step at a time.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Great Dr's visit
So looks like I'm finally getting answers. I definitely have Hypothyroid, but the dr believes I may also have pcos. Both are treatable. I got new labs taken today for my thyroid disorder. She was going to go by my original labs but since I told her I really believe this is whats causing my infertility and want it fixed asap she decided to run new current labs today to get me on the best dose of medication then on cycle days 3-5 of my next cycle I am to go and get more labs drawn to confirm the pcos disorder. So all in all it looks like I'm finally going to get some answers! I couldn't be happier. Its not just a matter of waiting and following Dr's orders.
I have my gynecologist visit on Thursday she told me to go over with her the pcos suspicion and then to show her the scripts that will be drawn and see if she has any other things she wants to add to the labs and if so to send the results to her.
So all in all I believe everyone will work together and we will get it all situated.
I have my gynecologist visit on Thursday she told me to go over with her the pcos suspicion and then to show her the scripts that will be drawn and see if she has any other things she wants to add to the labs and if so to send the results to her.
So all in all I believe everyone will work together and we will get it all situated.
Today is the Day!
So in about 30 minutes I will be heading to my Dr's appointment. I'm nervous but excited all at the same time. I am just trying to tell myself to trust. It will all work out. Just keep my head up. I'll update this post after the visit right now my find is too full to really concentrate on what I want to say.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Home stretch
So I'm getting to that time so close to my endocrinologist visit! I'm so close but so far away at the same time. At least I'm working every day till then so it will make it go by so much faster than if I had to just sit and wait. I called the office to find out if they were going to send me a script for blood work or just do it when I came in that same day. They said since I'm a new patient they will just go off the labs from my referring doctor. So hopefully that means I'll be taken seriously. I found out they now want your tsh levels around 1.5 and mine were 5.67 so I'm pretty sure they will listen to what I have to say! Hopefully we get this show on the road right away and I start noticing a difference.
I do have to say that without the vitex my temperatures have begun to rise...but I still get a few jumps and dips even though the rest remains somewhat steady. Its getting kinda hard to tell though if I have anovulatory cycles or just a slow ovulation raise. When I was taking the Vitex I was able to tell without a doubt.
My Dr. told me to bring the bottle in with me let them see it and tell them I was on it when I took the last labs and would like to continue if they give the ok. So we will see.
Only two days after my endocrinologist visit I have my gyno visit where we will go over my charts and if she feels necessary run more labs and just see how things look. I want to wait till my thyroid levels get in order before continuing the baby train. Wish me luck!
I do have to say that without the vitex my temperatures have begun to rise...but I still get a few jumps and dips even though the rest remains somewhat steady. Its getting kinda hard to tell though if I have anovulatory cycles or just a slow ovulation raise. When I was taking the Vitex I was able to tell without a doubt.
My Dr. told me to bring the bottle in with me let them see it and tell them I was on it when I took the last labs and would like to continue if they give the ok. So we will see.
Only two days after my endocrinologist visit I have my gyno visit where we will go over my charts and if she feels necessary run more labs and just see how things look. I want to wait till my thyroid levels get in order before continuing the baby train. Wish me luck!
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