Glassy Waters

I wasn't really sure how to title this blog entry.  This journey is like being on a ship that moves with the wind. Lately the only way for me to describe how I feel is this:

It's as if the wind has stopped blowing me into the direction with a clear purpose.  Its as if my ship has been an a standstill for weeks.  Not able to move.  The waters I rest upon completely still, like glass.  It's so hard to have faith that the wind will pick back up when all you feel is the sun beating down on you, no ripples in the water, no land in sight. 

It's as if cabin fever has begun to set in, like there is no purpose.  The more you wait the harder it gets to believe there ever was a wind driving you to your destination.  It's as if everything around me is a mirage.  A big vast emptiness of an ocean.  Wake up!  People say.  You have so much to laugh and be grateful for they can say, but they aren't the ones trapped on this boat waiting. 

I know the wind's will come, I just hate this wait.  I hate these still glassy waters that keep me from moving toward my dreams of motherhood. 

I feel so lost.  I have a hard time entering into prayer.  Not because I don't love God and I know He is always there, but I feel like I've forgotten how.  I try and try but it's like blowing into the sails of a ship trying to cross the ocean, it won't get you anywhere. 

Romans 12:2 spoke to me today:
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. KJV

I feel as if I have forgotten how to be me.  Everyone expects me to be upbeat and to carry them into tomorrow on wings of positivity but I feel empty.  I can't fill up unless I rest in Him.  He is the only way that I can beat this and I know it.  I know His plan's are bigger than my own.  He has a reason for me resting on these glassy waters.  He has a purpose for it all.  

I've lost my hunger for Him and I want it back.  I look back just a few entries ago to how hungry I was to make a difference in the lives of those around me as I rest in Him.  As I wait for the winds to pick back up.  But I think the difference must start in me.  Lord your word says seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open for you.  I need this door opened for me.  I need your will to open or me.  I need your cleansing fire to touch my lips.  As silver and gold go into a fire and are made clean so I need your renovation.  I feel so lonely, but am surrounded by friends and family.  But only You can touch this loneliness.  Only you can make me new in this way.  God i feel so worn out, I feel so beat down.  All I want is an answer so I can move forward.  But I don't want this consuming my life anymore.  I'm so tired of all of this.

God forgive me for stepping away from my race to your heart.  Ive allowed my own cares to choke out the needs of everyone around me.  I know this isn't a magical turn around where I can say a prayer do a dance and everything else will happen.  You said  in Matthew6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. NIV
I need to make this my daily habit I need to daily seek your kingdom, and this isn't about me.  It's about all those around me in need of you.  It's about all those around me who follow you.  Jesus I ask for your wisdom and guidance.  I ask for your understanding.  I ask for your hunger.  Lord teach me how to live for you 100%  Let me not look at my life through lenses of doubt and unbelief.  I am so tired of allowing my cares to block out what you have called me to do.  

I would look at my circumstances and know that God was calling me out of this funk but I just didn't know what to do or how to get there.  Now I do, I ask for help.

My Lord and Savior, I am a sinner.  I will never be perfect but you already know that.  I look at my life and the compromises I have been making that has allowed myself to slip away from you and from who you have called me to be.  Lord all I want is to be where you want me to be, even if my flesh is crying out for something different.  All I want is to make a huge difference in the lives of all those around me.  Lord forgive my complacency, forgive my laziness.  I most definitely have not sought your kingdom first.  I have most definitely not put other's needs above my own.  I have allowed my frustration to guide me into a place of complacency, depression and anger.  Lord lead me back to you.  

Psalm 23 NKJV
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell^[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.

² He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.  His intentions are always best for me.  No matter how much I hate the direction things may seem to be going, He is love and He is leading me into a place that He knows I need to go.  I may look at it as glassy water's that are keeping me trapped but He is using it as a way to give me rest from the turmoil within.  

³ He restores my soul;He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.  He has a plan and a purpose for my life and the only time I will be at peace is when I am resting in that plan.  Lately I've been fighting with everything I can to make my own journey.  To draw up my own plans but I'm done.  I am choosing to rest, I am choosing to love, to laugh, to give.  

Lord nothing I have did not come from you or your blessing.  You chose to poor out your spirit into me.  You chose to allow me to experience your goodness.  Lord forgive me for my complacency, my backsliding into the darkness.  

Every day I have a decision to run closer to you or further away.  Lord I want to go.  I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  I want to stop trying to live my life the way the world does.  

I choose to live by faith not by sight.  I serve a God of miracles.  I serve a God who is bigger than ANY problems or mistakes I could make.  You God are love and love ALWAYS thinks best of me.  

Show me every day how to draw close to you.  Show me every day what I should do to draw near to you.  James 4:8-
Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Purify your hands, you sinners; sanctify your hearts, doubting souls.

Purify my heart Oh Lord.  Purify my soul, let me be made clean.  God I come before you and I thank you for your sanctification, I thank you for your forgiveness.  I thank you for the freedom found in you.

Tomorrow is a new day and I choose to live it for you.  I choose to make sure that every decision I make is gonna be one that causes me to be closer to you.  I thank you for it Lord.  

I know the winds are coming back to allow this ship to move toward the destination you would have for me, but until that day comes I pray you would help me to see the beauty in these glassy waters.  ~Amen