Almost a Year

I can't believe it's almost been a year since my little brother Nathan committed suicide.  I still get hit with huge waves of grief but especially now as the anniversary of his death is drawing near.  It was on Halloween night of last year that we had our last conversation.  I told him we were pregnant and that we saw the heartbeat that day.  He was so happy for us. 

 I found out later that the text I received on 11/1/14 was a mass text reply from my brother sharing his Halloween costume that afternoon, for some reason my phone delayed the response and I received it at 3:20 am when everyone else received it on Halloween night.  The coroner believes my brother died between 1-3 am.  I believe that it was at the time I received the text.  I feel its just too much of a a coincidence.  I remember being woken up and seeing it and I almost text him asking him what on earth he's doing up so late.  But instead I went back to bed.  Never knowing even if I did he wouldn't be able to respond. 

I miss him more than words can ever say.  I can't believe that on 10/31 it will be a year since we last communicated.  God how I miss him.  It hurt in a fresh way every day.  In a different way.

People say how I feel is normal: the anger, the hurt, the pain.  They say that's part of the "grieving process".  I hate that term "grieving process"  as if when it's over you'll be all better.  But no you'll never be all better.  You'll never be healed from something like this.  Time will numb it but it won't heal it. 

I feel like I am starting to come to grips with how I feel about what he did.  Before it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had to focus on how wonderful he was.  How kind hearted and loving.  But the truth is what he does was selfish and weak.  I feel like I need to be honest and say I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed he didn't love us enough to push through.  I'm disappointed he decided the current stress of life wasn't worth the bright future ahead. 

He was 21 freakin years old!  Just old enough to be able to drink.  Barely an adult.  But he just gave up on life and that saddens me above all else.  My heart breaks for my family members and what they are also going through and struggling with because of this situation. 

I just wish he had fought to live on.

But wishing does no good.  Not anymore.  So every day we press on.  We move forward.  We try to hard to keep going.  Some days are better than others.  And then of course there are those other days that are just plain out disasters that there seems like there will be no possible way for it to be okay. 

But even as we mourn life keeps going so we can either fight the current or be carried away.  At first I said that I just want to do nothing I want to be closeted up and left alone on the anniversary.  But I decided instead I would pass out candy to all the little trick or treaters this year.  It's the first year after all that I have been off on Halloween so it will be exciting to see all the little kids in costume and will make me smile.  So I'm happy for that. 

For those of you who are struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies yourself just remember: