Tonight I want to delve into some emotions I've been dealing with for quite some time. I think tonight it is time to get a little raw. It's been a long time since I have allowed myself to really be open with my emotions on here. But to be honest it's not just on here it is with life in general. Because whether I am feeling like my emotions are stupid or wrong they are still there. I think one reason I haven't wanted to open them up and look at them is because in general I am just not wanting to deal with them.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
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