A little bit Preachy

So I'm going to go ahead and warn any readers this post is going to be a little bit preachy.  Not to you but more to myself. 

First of all I finally feel better.  I caught that nasty flue two weeks ago which turned into 102 degree fever which turned into acute sinus infection that was trying to spread into my chest/lungs so I was on amoxicillin, steroids and something else up until yesterday but I FINALLY feel better. 

During these past two weeks of just feeling awful feeling depressed and kind of in Limbo I was able to think.  Mainly because I had no energy to do anything else. 

I use to be so full of faith.  I use to be able to just believe whole heartily that something was going to happen and it did.  Childlike faith.  I knew if I believed it would take place.  There was no doubt, no question in my mind.   What happened to that person?  Slowly with the frustrations of this journey the jealousies I've allowed it to just kind of disappear.  It's become a struggle to be positive its become a struggle to look for people to minister to, to sing my heart out in worship to my king. 

I use to be so in love with my Maker.  He was the reason I got up every morning, slowly though it's been I can't wait to get up check my temperature, cervical mucus, take my ovulation predictor ect;

When did trying to conceive become my idol?  Maybe slowly, it kind of crept up on me.  My God has made me to be a mother.  I know this but he has also made me to be so much more.  Every day I walk through a world that is hurting and broken.  Every day I walk through a world that is torn apart.  Every day I work with the public and meet people who just need a little bit of love. 

When did I turn my cares away from them?  I use to be so happy despite the trials of this journey.  Limbo in itself has become my living hell.  The not happy not sad just here feeling has taken over and I hate it. 

I say enough is enough.  I was created for a purpose.  I know I WILL be a mother.  I know I WILL one day hold my very own babies in my arms and to be quite honest despite how long this has taken when it happens it will be the most perfect timing in the world.  God sees it all.  He sees the finish line.   I'm running a race of endurance and I have to choose am I going to make a difference in between.  Stop and help the needy, heal the broken hearted, minister to those that need it or am I going to keep my eyes only on myself without looking right or left.  Thinking myself is more important than others? 

He said in Mark 9:35 "New Living Translation"
"He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else."

When did I loose sight of this?  It happened so gradually.  I knew it happened but got to a point that I just didn't care.  I wallowed in self pity.  Wallowed in my own pit of destruction.  But I have a calling.  To be a mother yes but so much more than that too.  God has called me to minister to others.  To be a missionary.  I will open my orphanage in Africa one day I will go and pour out into others.  

He has called me and I must answer.  Its a long journey that I know will come to fruition.  But Once I become a mother the ministry must continue as well.  I have been called to do so much for so many.  God has called me to pour out into others.  I just want to his overwhelming presence to resonate out of me.  I want to love the unlovable touch the untouchable.  I want to be a light to those who are constantly surrounded by darkness.  

I believe by faith that I will get pregnant.  I believe by faith it will happen this month but I will no longer allow that to be my soul focus.  I will not allow it to be the reason I wake up in the morning.

Every morning I wake up I will have a purpose.  That purpose will be to be the biggest blessing I can to those around me:  my husband first, my co workers, my clients strangers I meet on the street and then finally myself.  I choose to be a servant to everyone else.  

When I have children it wont be about me, it will be about them and seeing them expand on their own spiritual journeys as well.  I will stop looking at myself alone and start focusing on others.


Thank you Jesus for this gentle lesson.  I hate the fact I had to get ill to listen but sometimes my mind just keeps going and refuses to listen.  So my Lord, my great and holy God I recommit my life to you.  I never left you but I've been running this race refusing to help my neighbors like the story of the good Samaritan I've passed by so many hurting and broken without even giving it a second thought.  Forgive me Lord.  No more.

Show me who to minister to .  I open myself back up to you.  I thank you that your grace is indeed sufficient for me.  Your blood covers a multitude of sins.  As far as the east is from the West so far you have removed my sin from me.  Jesus I lay it all down.  I thank you for second chances.  I thank you for new vision.  I am motivated with new vision.  I will minister, I will pour out into others  and in turn I will be a blessing therefore I will be blessed spiritually and emotionally.  

Open doors and I will walk through them.  I will get pregnant.  Your blood has given me authority.  I am healed by your stripes.  I will have a child and will be able to teach them the way you desire for them to be raised.  And in this journey of conception I will no longer ignore the others needs around me.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Like an intricate Spider's web my Emotion's come together.

So this morning consisted of calling all my different doctor's offices, having medical releases faxed signed and on there way.  I have to say I am excited about the venture but somewhat disappointed at the same time. 

I know there is still one month where we could be getting pregnant.  I know that with God all things are possible.  Now it might be that I've been battling a cold/fever for the past 3 days but I just feel as if the fight has left me.  I am so incredibly exhausted and so very ready to just let it be. 

I have faith that God is a miracle working God and I also know He promised us children.  But I also feel just incredibly exhausted.  Exhausted keeping up with my so called "bubbly personality".

A woman I work with on Saturday told me she needs to talk to me that I am not myself and wants to know what is wrong.  I didn't have an answer for her.  I of course was able to pass it on to my period(pms)  but in reality we had found out for another month we were not pregnant and so I had just made this appointment.  That didn't even bother me too horribly.  I think it's just that I feel so tired of pressing on.  I want someone else to do it for me.  I want someone else to fight the battle.

I think that's part of the reason I feel relieved about our appointment in February.  But I also believe that God's ways are so much higher than our own.  It's such a jumbled web of emotions.  No set feeling about anything in particular. 

But now officially less than a month to go things will work out  they always do. 

Fertility Specialist

So Another month and Not pregnant.  But I have immense peace so I suppose that's a start.  I can tell the Metformin is working in some ways but not quite where I want it to be.  I am currently on CD 7 of this new cycle with my period and it seems like its almost done.  So that's the shortest period I have ever had since no longer having birth control in my system.  Well since we didn't get pregnant this month we decided to take the plunge and schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist On February 4th.  So really only a month away, praying and believing by faith still to get pregnant before then but all in all I have to say I have peace about scheduling the appointment for that too.

They said this first visit would be a consultation only visit but we are ahead of the game with the fact that I've already gotten a lot of the required blood work done recently along with months of charting data.

I did buy opks to use this month as well so it can give them a better Idea of when I am ovulating since my temperatures tend to be up and down sometimes. 

I don't know I'm excited but also just knowing its going to happen.  Can't say when but it will.  I believe it 100 %

That being said I also feel very different.  Not stressed like I normally would be.  I feel calm and just over all like I need to enjoy life.   But I can't seem to get my thoughts together right now so I'm going to have to come back to this later. 

Thinking Postitive

There is such power in positive thinking such power in  believing in something without doubting.  I've been so focused on my frustrations.  So focused on the depression and aggravation.  I've been thinking of all the things that are wrong with me.  Of all the things I will need to do in order to get pregnant.  But what about the positives?  What about the God I serve?  A God of so many miracles.  A God who has proven himself time and time again to be a God of such great miracles to me. 

Lately I've been kind of on autopilot just living day to day counting down to the time frame I can go get medical help to get pregnant.  Some days I feel so positive nothing can keep me down other days just worn down I don't know how I would be able to get up.  But every day I have to keep going.  Every day I have to decide where to go.  But yesterday I feel I had some breakthrough.

I will believe with all my heart to conceive a child.  I will believe for a healthy pregnancy.  I will believe for it all now and soon.  I am not quite there yet.  But they say to fake it till you make it.  Every day I will make the proclamation that I will conceive this month.  I will Have a baby.  We will be parents and it will begin to happen now.

I will make this declaration every day.  I will surrender it all.  No more negativity.  No more depression frustration or anything of that sort.  I will believe and proclaim it every day!

Breaking....

I'm not quite sure where to begin.  I've been having so many good days.  Good positive thoughts.  But lately those are becoming more sporadic.  I know I am extremely blessed.  I have so much to live for and am so happy in life.  But this feeling of I'm meant for something more.  This feeling of wanting to be a Mom but not being able to experience it yet.  I'm so frustrated. All I want is to be able to be a Mom.  To feel the miraculous blessing of having a child grow on the inside of me. 

I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself. 

When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God.  He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born.  He was to be born for a purpose.  At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed.  A prophet to the nations. 

I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control.  But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus. 

Since then so much has happened.  God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past.  Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other.  He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs. 

But lately we are both at a stand still.  We don't know what to pray for.  I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month. 
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

This is how I feel.  Month after month has taken it's tole.  I'm done.  Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.

Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming.  When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be.  You'll get pregnant right away.

But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case.  But how do you say that.  How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin.  Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are.  Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby. 

Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay.  All I could say was that I will be.  I will be okay.  I will.  I'm a survivor.  I have to glass half full mentality.  But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again. 

I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own.  I think we have to go see a fertility specialist.  He said he knows, he agrees.  And that was that.  But then comes a whole other set of emotions. 

I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child.  I don't know how I feel about invitro.  And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first.  But I don't know what to think.  Isaac feels its a gift from  God given to those who can't have children on there own.  I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands.  So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved. 

But to deal with emotions right now:

I do not even know where to start. 

I'm so angry.  I'm angry it's taking this long.  I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on.  I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings.  I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me. 

I feel so unchristian.  I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles.  I'm tired of trying to pray.  I'm tired of giving and blessing other's.  All I want to do is lay down and not move.  All I want to do is cry every day.  All I want is victory. 

Why should me having a child be so hard?  Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?

Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet.  I know His timing is PERFECT.  But it doesn't stop the emotions.  It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm. 

I want to be happy for those around me.  When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.

God I just don't know anymore.  Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be. 

I don't want this time to be wasted.  I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful. 

God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now.  I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves.  I need some help though God.  I need to know your there.  That you are in control. 

Help me Jesus.

I think I'm done for the day.  I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on.  But now I'm gonna let go.  For now I'm going to surrender. 

I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child.  I always said I could never stop working even after kids.  I would of course go down to part time.  But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby.  I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom.  That is a new thought for me. 

Deep Breaths

So far no ill effects from starting Metformin, though I've only been taking it now for 5 full days.  But I have to say I'm getting to a point of a lull.  I don't know any other way to explain it.  I'm so frustrated.  I'm so ready to be a Mom.  I want to experience the actual wonderful gift of being pregnant. 

We always said we will adopt if I don't get pregnant and we will.  Well shoot we actually plan on adopting even if we do have our own.  We want to adopt at least two.  But now that we are nearing the points where we will have to make plans if I don't conceive in the next few months and my mind is just racing with the what if's and maybes. 

God give me strength.  I want a baby and I want one soon!  I want to be pregnant by January.  If we aren't by the end of February we actually plan on making an appointment with a fertility specialist.  Just one step at a time.  I keep trying to remind myself that but it's not always easy.  I have peace which is great but not enough anymore. 

I don't know I'm rambling now so I'm gonna end this. 

Taking steps forward

So finally got the results back on my pcos test.  My Dr said everything is consistent with pcos so today I started 500 mg of Metformin that I will take two times a day for just 10 days then we will bump it up to 750 mg 2x a day.  I'm hoping that things will move forward rather quickly.  On top of trying to get pregnant I'm also trying to loose weight and it hasn't really been going well.  I've been exercising every day, eating super healthy*under 1500 calories every day** and this being fruits, veggies ect.  and I haven't lost a single pound.  There isn't a ton of straightforward information on pcos.  But my Dr. said that if I am not pregnant by my appointment next month she will want to do another test to see how my body is reacting to the medication....so maybe that means I actually do have a shot at getting pregnant soon!  But I also will need to stay on it it seems.  Especially if I want to continue to be able to loose weight even after I have a baby. I'm so relieved and so excited to be able to take steps in the right direction.  I feel like I'm finally moving forward.  I feel like this is the right direction and I have complete peace.  So far*I know it's only the first day** but zero side effects.

I'm just super ready to begin.  I feel like I have been at a stand still in everything.  Emotionally, I still have good days and bad days but its been more good then anything.  I also have to say I have a very nice sense of peace.  I have for a few weeks now but I'm getting a little more antsy every day.  I want a family.  I want to make my husband a father.  I want to be a mommy.  I'm so excited for what the future has in store and I will just trust and believe day by day things will work out.  Just one step at a time.