The past few days have been extremely insightful for me.  I wont say that this is where I will be forever but with where we are right this moment I feel like I had another confirmation on what I feel we are supposed to do right now in regards to a family.

We met another amazing couple who lives just a few miles down the road from us and are going along this same journey too.  They are also with the same agency we are with and overall have a very similar journey to us.  But they found out they are expecting a miracle baby and are 12 weeks along.  That being said neither of us had any idea but our agency has a policy that if you become pregnant they want you to wait till the baby is 6 months old before you continue into the matching process.  This is to ensure that the children are able to get your attention and to allow you to rest and be able to give all you can to the children coming into your home.

When she shared this with me I immediatly began to stress.  And I mean the thought of even being pregnant scared me.  What if we had timed sex wrong.  What if we got our miracle baby and then ended up having to put things on hold to be able to adopt.  All these thoughts and emotions coming to mind.  It made me realize that I really know this is what God wants us to do right now and I just need to trust in Him.  If for some reason I ended up getting pregnant that in and of itself would be a miracle so I will know that He is in control.  But when my period did come I felt such relief that I know we need to prevent every time until we are placed with our children.  Adoption is my heart right now.  I keep seeing older children out in public and I can't help but smile and begin talking with Isaac or whomever I am with about having them enter our home.  Things we can do.  Traditions we can start. 

Then today at Church my friend was there with her amazingly adorable 4 week old and she began talking about how she isn't getting any sleep and How she is exhausted and I just remembered how hard it really is with a newborn.  How it really is so worth it but at the same time so much more work then my little explorer who is out in the world.  But then I thought of the baby snuggles.  Of the amazement of watching them grow learn and letting their personalities come out.  I'm not ready and definitely do not want to be pregnant right now.  I want to adopt my older children and as many as I can.  But maybe I will feel differently one day.  But until then I will embrace where I am.  I will love others where they are.  I will follow the path God calls me to. 

Moving Forward

Today we did it.  We completed the final adoption class and made a beautiful announcement to our friends and family.  We also of course had to document the occasion with a picture of her signing the paper of completion and handing us our very last certificate.

Here is our beautiful announcment:

Hammon Party of 3?  Not for long!

Today We completed the last required class in order to proceed with adopting. Adopting you say? WHAT?! That is right. There are many reasons we have decided to keep this off of facebook until now. The main one being that as we go through this process we wanted to know that we were following what we knew was the right path for us without a lot of outside interference or persuasion one way or another. Isaac and I have always planned to adopt long before we were even married. Before we were pregnant with Ezekiel we had actually started looking into it and how we would go about it. After getting pregnant with Ezekiel and all the hardships that entailed with that we decided we where not going to try to prevent another pregnancy and would even welcome getting pregnant again with the idea being that regardless what happened (getting pregnant or not) we would begin the process when he turned two. In the end the pregnancy we hoped for ended up not happening until only a few months before Ezekiel's second birthday. Timing wise we decided to wait since we wanted to give 100% when the time comes to adopt into integrating the new family members. After we lost our baby and the grief that comes with that we decided we needed to take time separately to process, heal, pray and figure out if God wanted us to go back to our original timeline. We didn’t want this to be something to replace the loss in the timing department. We wanted to make sure that we were both in the same mind frame without influencing each other one way or another. So that is what we did. I’m so grateful we decided to do it this way. It was in this time that God revealed himself to us in an ever deeper way through healing and direction. After about a month we came together and both knew beyond a doubt that this was indeed what step and timing that God was calling us toward. Only with a twist: we both knew we were supposed to adopt older Children. We loved our babies we have lost so much and they weren’t even fully formed. Yet every day there are kids out there who day after day feel the rejection that ensues without having a family to call their own. We believe there are specific children that are meant to be with us and sooner rather than later and that this is why God has us on this timeline. I suppose now would be a good time to tell you a little bit about who will be joining our family. To put it very simply: We do not know yet. We are just entering the home study and matching process. What we do know is this. We are: 1- Supposed to adopt local(Pennsylvania) 2- Adopt from the foster care system 3- Be willing to take in older children and siblings We are working with The Children's Home of Pittsburgh and as of today have officially completed all the classes we need in order to move forward into the home studies and matching process. I'm sure a lot of you are scratching your heads having no idea what this means even still so I would like to share a little more in depth. The children's home of Pittsburgh works primarily with children ages 6 and up. They also work with sibling pairs that can range in ages. The children we are looking to adopt being that they are older already have dealt with the tremendous loss of having the parental rights of their biological parents terminated and the trauma they have endured to get to that point. This means there is less legal risk in regards to the fear of having them taken from us or placed back with the family. But it also means that these kids have been through trauma, loss and hardships that many adults have never even had to face. We are open to siblings (something that our agency tries to keep together and we love). We have been asked many times when people find out we are in the process of do you have a specific child in mind? To be honest we have begun the search to find our new family member and this is where we would ask for prayer. One of the things we love about our agency is the fact that 1- They value the children. If they do not feel like you are going to be a good fit for these children then they will tell you no. 2- They are very thorough when it comes to the matching process. Beginning in the next few weeks will be our home studies. This is where we will sit down with our social worker and they will get to know us...really get to know us on a psychological and personal level. We have done so many questionnaires, classes, etc; to give them a look into who we are but these home studies will go more in debt to see who would be the best fit for us and us for them. 3- Because the kids are older some of them actually get a say in what they are looking for in a parent. We actually love this. If a child doesn't feel like they will connect with us then we want that child to have the freedom to say no. What does this mean for the future? PRAYER...lots and lots of prayer. Isaac and I both feel in our hearts that there is someone or several kids that are specifically meant to be with our family and we are determined to find them. Love them. Help them heal in any way they need it. We want when they walk into our home to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love them unconditionally and we aren't going anywhere. They are meant to be with us. So we would ask that you pray with us in these ways: 1- That we would follow God's leading in timing and placement. 2-That our social workers and the childcare’s social workers would have wisdom and guidance to tell us no or yes if a situation is meant to be. 3- Clarity. We honestly just wish we could take them all. We love every single child/young adult who we have gotten to know through this process and it is so hard to say no. But we must also be realistic and know that no is not a bad thing if it means that child can be placed with someone else better for them. 4- That we would have the wisdom, patience and love necessary to help these children heal through whatever it is that they have gone through. We want them to know from the MOMENT they walk into our home to stay with us that they are ours. That they are loved unconditionally. They are wanted and that we are there for them. From the moment those children walk into our home they are OUR children. We will not introduce them or treat them as anything but that and respectfully ask that you treat them like that as well. We are open to any race, gender, age, background, religion, sexual orientation etc; and want you to know that these kids regardless of how the outside might perceive them are going to be loved unconditionally by us. We know this can be hard for some people to understand, so please ask questions. Don’t make assumptions or judgements and we will try to answer any questions and keep you in the loop if interested.

We have come to discover going through this process that nothing is set in stone. Even the preconceived ideas we had are kind of thrown out the window. There is no way to say for sure that we will experience x,y, z as we go through this process. But I can tell you that we will cherish every prayer and any bit of support we can receive from any of you. We are excited for this new adventure and know it will be a completely new normal we have to grasp. We will follow God's timing in this and trust that He will give us peace when the situation is right.

A few weeks ago I wrote to a letter to my bioloigical mother on here.....Just last week I was given the  opportunity to send another one.  She called me on Monday very upset and began to cry telling me she just needed to know if we wanted her to disapear or if we actually wanted her to be a part of our life.  The conversation itself was actually not very good  and in the end she hung up on me but it made me realize that she needed to hear what I've discovered in myself:  Forgiveness.

So The next morning I got up early and wrote her a letter.  I began it hand written where I began to just tell her about who I was.  I took it in the approach as someone who just found out their bioligical parents address and decided to reach out to them.  I told her I didn't feel like she knew me...the real me at all.  I told her about how Isaac and I met.  About our trouble conceiving and staying pregnant.  I then told her about the adoption.   And then Ezekiel started waking up and I had to stop.  So the next day I continued the letter by typing it and here is what I said:

Hello Again. I really didn't like that I did not have time to finish my last letter so I sat down during Ezekiel's nap and after work tonight to finish it. I hope you can forgive me for typing this letter versus the hand written one you should have already received. I always felt typed letters were definitely not as personable as hand written, but for me it is faster. To try and make it a little more personal I am including those pictures I promised a few months ago. I apologize it took so long to get to you. There really is no excuse for it.

So starting off I guess in the same way that the last letter was I suppose I can continue to tell you a little bit about who I am. Besides the obvious: your daughter who is a 30 year old mom.

I love to read. My favorite books are murder mystery and Science Fiction fantasy books. I also love to paint(this I know you already know since I sent you several paintings years ago). I however don't get much time for it anymore but when I finally do sit down to paint I always remember how much I love it. I'm definitely out of practice though. My favorite drinks would be coffee and red wine. I like my coffee to taste like coffee. Not black but not a lot of cream or sugar. As to wine I prefer it on the drier side if it is too sweet I have no interest. Movies: well that is actually interesting. I'm the type of person once I see a movie I remember almost every detail so have no desire to watch it again for another couple years. The only movie I can say I absolutely love and will watch it several times a year is The Nightmare Before Christmas. I absolutely love this movie! I really like almost all of Tim Burton’s movies. I've already gotten Ezekiel to sit down and watch it with me.

Let's see what else.....Originally before going to hair school I had started college for pastoral ministry. I realized this was 100% not for me. I feel like the religious world, church's, organizations etc; put way too many things in white and black. It is a huge universe and I feel like it was almost trying to put God in a box. I suppose this is a good time to get into who I am spiritually. I am a Christian. I believe in miracles, hearing from God, callings etc; But I also believe in being non judgmental and loving people where they are. Not pushing my beliefs on everyone. I am proud to have friends who are wicken, atheist, agnostic, gay, etc; I love everyone for who they are NOT for who others think they should be. I would like to state though that not judging someone for their lifestyle is not the same as putting up boundaries and protecting yourself from things you don't want in your own life. I believe a relationship is either edifying for you or tears you down. You can't have it both ways. That being said I want you to know me...the real me not the surface girl I am when I talk on the phone with you. When you called me the other day upset you asked me if I want a relationship with you or would I prefer you to go away. The answer gets a little complicated. I absolutely want a relationship with you. The sober you that has called me and made me laugh, or had cried on my shoulder. When you called me the other day and told me how you feel I respect that. I appreciate your honesty. I want you to be honest about things that hurt or that your going through but also interested in me and what my life entails. You are not the victim. You need to stop beating yourself up for the past and move forward to a better you. I hold nothing against you so you shouldn't either. You don't have to be afraid that I won't love you or will stop talking to you when you respect my boundaries. It was in those sober conversations I always had hope for a relationship beyond the phone call every couple months. One of the reasons I never call is because I don't know how you would be if I did (sober or not). You might be thinking but I don't drink or do (insert here) but from our past relationship and our past experiences(some of which I really doubt you even remember) I hope you can understand why it is hard to trust you. Even on pain pills your mind begins to slip a little. I feel like you might be searching your mind wanting an example so I will give you a brief one that comes to mind. I believe you were with a guy named Don at the time...you called me definitely not sober to tell me he stole a wedding ring he gave you to sell it for something, he has a meth lab in the garage that you didn't know about but the police just raided but they left you alone because you can't go down into the garage/basement so you didn't know it was there ect; You were so upset and kind of out of it you actually scared me. I called you the next day...you didn't even remember the conversation. We have actually had a lot of conversations like this. Conversations where you have lied, or backtracked, or speaking to me not in a clear mind. I know 100% what went on with the custody battle between you and Dad. And I know a lot more than you ever wanted me to know But if you are willing I do want to move forward. I hold nothing against you. And I forgive you. I do want a relationship but one built from scratch. From this day forward. Cant we start over? I'm willing to as long as we can adhere to these boundaries: Do not call me if you are not sober . Respect the fact that I need to get to know you before I have you become a part of my husband and children's lives. You are my mother, but your also a stranger. I want to change that if your willing to work towards it. If your going to be in my life I will draw the healthy boundaries needed to keep my emotions and relationships in a good place and as we grow to get to know one another I will allow you into other aspects of my life.

I think the one thing that anyone who gets to know about me should know is that I hate being lied to. I would rather know the truth about something then for someone to lie to either make themselves feel better or try to be on my good side. It just makes me loose respect for the person lying to me. Truth always comes out in one way or another. And being I honestly and truly don't judge people where they are I don't understand the need to lie.

I guess after all that heavy talk I should move on and tell you a little bit about my job. I am a hairdresser but more than that I am actually a stay at home Mom for the most part. I am home with Ezekiel all day and go to work two nights a week and Saturdays when Isaac can be home with Ezekiel. We love this because he never has to be with babysitters or in daycare. Once we have the new children in our home I will probably have to cut back my hours even more so that we can learn to function together as a family.

I suppose with that being said I can go back to the adoption since that is where I had to leave you rather abruptly in the last letter. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. I knew that this was in my heart since the very beginning. In fact when I got to the age of dating if a guy told me they didn't know if they wanted to adopt or travel for missions work....they were immediately put in the friends zone. I just knew that this was a calling for me. I think that is part of what attracted me to Isaac so much. We met traveling, working with orphans and I knew he already had a heart for this. As to why we are pursuing older children. It's because it is the older children who know exactly what is going on. They are feeling the rejection over and over again when they walk into a new foster home and are forced to leave or abandoned yet again by another person. We want when the child who walks into our home to know that they are loved for EXACTLY who they are and that we are there for them. They don't have to be afraid anymore. It is also harder for these kids to get adopted since so many people are not willing to continue therapy, counseling etc; for them if they need it or to work through behavioral issues that arise from their past abuse. But we have been taking classes and preparing ourselves to the very best of our ability on how to help these children who will be coming into our home. We are excited, nervous and yet ready. I won't be sharing much if anything about the children we take in with anyone for a while. We need to respect their past and help them move forward into our family. We will be taking time with just us learning how to connect and work together before we introduce them to anything beyond us.

I feel like I have kind of given you a good if not brief idea of who I am. But I feel like I need to say again. I really do love you. I hold nothing against you and want you to become the best woman you can be. You can't go back and change the decisions you have made already but we can work towards a brighter future.

Included are some pictures we took as family photos when Ezekiel turned one but also Pictures we just took last week of him and myself together. I really do love you Mom. I really do not hold anything against you and really would love to have our relationship turn around for the better.

With Love,

~Devin


I feel like this was so important for me.  I needed to say what I said.  And I believe she needed to hear it.  It was almost a week before I heard back from her but when she called me yesterday she opened up in a way I was so impressed with.  She told me that she was sorry for everything.  That she knows in the past that she has in fact called me when she was not sober and that is the first time in 30 years that she has every taken responsibility for actions.  She agreed to adhere to the boundaries.  She wants to try to get clean.  She wants me in her life.  I was so happy to hear it.  But at the same time I don't expect change.  It has already been 30 years.  I pray that action will speak louder than words.  

But it is amazing and so freeing that I am able to let go.  I really to love her(something I was able to say for the first time in years)  But the boundaries are there and they shall not change.   

I suppose time will tell and I really hope it goes for the better.  She only lives 6 hours away and the desire to go and see her has been getting stronger.  But I know that will open up a whole side of our relationship I'm not sure I'm ready for yet.  So we shall see.  I will continue to reach out to her and let her know updates on my life.  I really want the change so badly to happen but also know I can't expect it.  
Regardless of what happens I just want her to have healing in her own life.  To stop going down this rabbit hole of destruction.  I just want her to heal. 

I feel as if I have needed to write this letter for quite a while but have put it off due to the hardship of it.  Many of you know my background when it comes to my relationship with my biological mother.  There is none.  I am 30 years old and in my life I have seen her when I was 5, 13 and 16.  I was taken from her custody when I was around a year and a half/two years old due to drugs and alcohol and suspected abuse.  Throughout my childhood we talked on the phone every couple months.  I remember even during those times that I the conversations where full of blame, manipulation and guilt.  Things like why don't I write her more often.  Why don't I talk my parents into giving me the money to come visit her since she's poor and they aren't.  As I got older the conversation would come only when she was either drunk or high.  She would ask for money, tell blatant lies (that I would know where lies)  or admit to things and have no memory of it our next conversation.  About 10 years ago I had enough.  I drew my boundaries in the sand and said that I would no longer talk to her if she was drunk or high.  That if she wanted a relationship with me that I was indeed here but that it would only take place if and when she was sober.  That has been our rule ever since and for the most part she has respected it though not always.  I normally hear from her maybe once a year, sometimes twice a year.  She will call me when she is doing well and she will call me often.  She will sound so full of life and ready to tackle the world.  The phone calls will come almost every day or every other day then get further and further apart and then the last phone call will always sound/or end the same.  She will slur words make no sense then ask for money(most of the time contradicting what she has said before) .  I will tell her no she will apologize promise to never ask again Sometimes I will get a phone call directly out of rehab or some kind of hospital treatment.   Turn more into me myself giving her money(which I would refuse every time).

I feel I needed to share that back story with you in order for you to understand where I am coming from with the rest of this post.  Recently during the adoption classes they have talked with us about the parents of these children.   How you need to be careful to not speak harshly of the parents or angrily.  Despite what these children have been through they still love them.  They talked of how a lot of them are coming from cycles of abuse themselves so they have done the only thing they actually know how to do.  It was wrong, it was painful but it is all they know.  They were teaching us to show grace to these parents who's lives are now forever changed with the loss of their children from their own actions.  Their dirty laundry is laid out for all the world to see.  Upon taking these classes and hearing those things it is so hard to not have things trigger or remind me of my own past experiences.  It made me realize that I have held onto a lot of bitterness and resentment against her.  I judge her for how she chose to live her life.  It is hard not to be angry.  But this anger does no good.  It doesn't hurt her for I will never tell her; because she would never understand.  So I have been thinking of writing her a letter telling her I forgive her...but I don't want to actually send it to her.  I fell that she would feel it's more of an attack and an accusation against her then what it is meant to be.  She still has never been able to take responsibility for loosing custody of us.  So I choose to write the letter anyway.  Only I will write it here.  I will release her because she is loved.  She is hurt.  And though she will never be a part of my life again past the phone calls once or twice a year I wish no ill will against her.  I choose to love her where she is but to release her at the same time.  I want to let go of the past 100% for in doing so there is healing.  I can't expect or want the children we are bringing into our home to get healing and forgiveness unless I can give it myself.

To the woman who gave me birth,

I guess first I should thank you for the life you gave me.  Having my own son has taught me the true miracle of conception, pregnancy and what it truly is to give birth.  Second I suppose I should also thank you for letting me go.

I could sit here and say you didn't fight for me.  But in truth I think you did the best you could.  Life was against you through your addiction and mentality.  You began a battle against yourself and still have yet to learn how to win.  

I choose to hold nothing against you.  I was raised and loved by a wonderful woman who I have the honor to call Mom.  Though I know that hurts you it has become a huge blessing to myself.  I gained a family.  A true family.  

I know you have been hurt and abused in your past.  I know you still haven't let go or moved on from those things.  I pray you can find peace and find the way to break the cycle of abuse in your own life.  You are worth far more than you allow yourself to be.  

God created you with beauty in mind.  And those moments you call me in your sobriety: its in those moments where you are so full of life.  That I can see the reflection of the woman you could be.  THAT is how He intended you to live every single day.  That is how he intended you to feel.  It is in those moments the memories come back to haunt you and you feel overwhelmed, guilty, sad whatever it is and you give up again.  I won't call you weak.  I won't call you a disappointment.  What I know is you are lost.  And when you get lost you go down that rabbit hole of your own mind not caring who you pull down with you or what consequences will come from it  for all you want is escape.

And I forgive you for that.  I forgive you for using the only defense mechanisms you yourself have ever learned (lying, cheating, stealing manipulating).  I forgive all of it.  I choose to look past those faults and to focus on the beauty that is within.  The beauty that I pray one day will emerge.  

But I stand by the boundaries I laid out before.  I can not allow you into my life as you are.  I will love you and pray for you but from a distance.  If you ever decide to make a permanent change I won't promise that we will be close.  I can't promise that I will ever have a mother daughter relationship with you.  But I do promise that I will encourage you to get even better.  I will be honest with you when your ready about those things that you did to hurt me so that healing can take place.  But I will not do it from a place of anger.   I will not judge you for where you came from or where you are.  But out of love.
I will pray for you.  I will love you.  I forgive you. 

~Your Daughter whom you lost 

Apparently my last post decided to never actually make it here onto the site so I apologize for the seemingly silence that has come your way.  Lately I'm having a bit of emotions I'm just not sure how to process them so what better way then on here.  I have been playing with the idea that once we are in the matching process of  our adoption or maybe once we get to the part where the child/children are in our homes to go back to not trying/not preventing and if God decides to give us another miracle then so be it.  But then that brought me to all sorts of questions on am I really ready for that?  Could I really put myself back out there like that?  What about all the emotions and pain that comes with everything if I where to loose it again.  I begin to compare the numbers:  4 pregnancies 1 child.  The odds seem very stacked against me.

Then just this past week I had a friend send me a picture of a positive pregnancy test sharing that they are expecting.  And it made me wonder even more so how I would feel getting a positive test again.  And I honestly don't know.  I really feel like I would be so afraid of loosing the baby that I wouldn't be willing to even open myself up or admit I was even pregnant until I could feel movement or was at a point of viability.  It's so much to take in and so much to think about.  Then a few days later(today actually) a good friend of mine who I see on a regular basis sent a text that she might be induced in the next week unless she goes into labor on her own.  And the thought of that should be me thinking of how close we are comes unbidden.  I wanted my baby so much.  I still do.  But he/she is gone and I won't ever get them back.  The next couple months are going to be hard for me.  I have three friends I see on a regular basis: One due in August and one in September(they will be holding newborns at the same time I should have) since I was due in October.  And now I have one who is pregnant.  I am so happy for them!  Yet I'm feeling a sense of loss.

I think it is easy for people to forget I'm still dealing with this loss and hurting.  I'm moving forward towards adoption yes....but I'm still grieving my loss.  It's been four months and I still have ptsd thinking about being there in the hospital on my own while my body began pushing out a baby that I wanted so badly to have.  I'm excited for adoption.  I'm ready to pursue and love these children who will be joining our family.  And because of that and when I talk about that I think people might think: "Oh good, she's moved on."  But the truth is you don't move on from this.  You simply pick yourself back up and press on.  You fight every day to make it count.  To give it meaning and a purpose. 

All my losses have taught me how valuable life truly is.  It has taught me the truth that children are indeed a miracle.  And so I want to love those kids who are older who need someone to protect them.

I know it seems like I'm jumping back and forth but I think that is appropriate since my mind seems to be doing that exact thing.  I am  excited as we are getting closer and closer to the home studies and matching process.   It seems like conflicting emotions fight and battle over my heart.  I am happy for my friends, sad for myself yet excited for my family all at the same time.

I suppose to get back to what the very beginning of this post was: I honestly don't know if  I will ever be healed enough where I can be at a place where I want to put myself back out there to try and get pregnant again.  I hope I will.  It's almost like I can look at myself from an outside perspective and see a lot of hurt, anger and distrust.  I do not trust my body to not betray me again if I were to get pregnant.  Therefore I don't even want to give it the opportunity.  I think to myself but this time could be different.  But then I remember I had that conversation before I lost my other babies.  I know this is a lot to take in and a lot to process and I'm having difficulty putting it into words so I wanted to put it here. 

~~~~~~~
We will be attending another class on Saturday and after that all we have left to complete is one more class(scheduled for August) and an online certification.  After that is all completed we will be able to move forward with the home studies and then begin the matching process.  We have already gone through all the children's profiles and want to take them all home if we could.  I have a very good outlook I feel like on all this that if the children we decide we want to pursue end up being placed up for adoption before we get to that point them really it is a win win for everyone.  The child has a loving home and another child will get a chance to be loved.  Right now we are just praying for God to direct the hands of the social workers, ourselves and the child social workers to help us make the right match.  We want to be the best parents we can be to whomever is placed with us. 

For now I will fight for those kids who have no one to fight for them.  In doing so I hope my heart can heal and slowly mend together.  Because it isn't about me.  Its about those children.  

I'm realizing more and more every day just how betrayed I have felt by the entire situation of loosing our baby.  I feel like that can be an eye roll or a pat on the shoulder accompanied by: "Of course you do."  But I have to be honest the extent that it goes surprises even me.  The idea of even allowing my body the chance of getting pregnant just makes me freeze and wonder: "Why would you even do it?"  Not because I wouldn't want another baby.  In fact if I could get pregnant tomorrow and guarantee that it would be a healthy pregnancy I believe I would most likely jump at the chance, or at least deeply consider it.  Since I wouldn't want to stop the adoption process since I know we are on the right path with that.  But it's the mere idea and realization that I have now been pregnant 4 times.  I have been over the moon 4 times and I only have one child.  If I where to get a positive pregnancy test I really and truly doubt that  I would be able to be happy about it until I knew 100% that that baby would make it to term and that the baby was healthy.  I feel I've been burned too many times and if this past experience taught me anything it is that there is no way to guarantee that things will be okay.  Part of me feels I'm being ridiculous.  That I should embrace the chance(however slight that may be) for the miracle that is pregnancy.  But I just can not do it.   I feel broken, incomplete physically and I don't trust my body anymore.

 I felt we where in a really good place emotionally before getting pregnant.  I genuinely did not care if it happened one way or another but then when we got pregnant I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of protection for this little being that wasn't even formed yet.  And then it was taken away from me with no warning after over 9 weeks of excitement, planning and bliss.  Just like that my whole view of pregnancy 100% changed.  I used to feel it was a blessing.  A promise of things to come.  Now I have a hard time viewing it beyond being a burden, stress and a start of anxiety.  This is NOT saying the end result is how I view that.  In fact no child born is a mistake, a burden or a stress.  Any child born is a gift of God.  But it's amazing how I've come to really realize that the actual act of having a complete pregnancy is a miracle.  A true miracle.  I know I'm probably rambling and some of you have your hands over your mouths wondering how on earth could she be saying this.  I'll tell you how:  Grief.  It is a wave that hits with sadness, anger, acceptance over and over again in different orders.  I have learned to allow myself to process them as these orders come.  I guess the point of this is that I've realized I'm not all okay.  I am still hurting and broken and have scars that reach incredibly deep with this.  And you know what: that is okay.  I can move forward with my life but still mourn my loss.  I can allow myself to feel the sadness and yet heal as we move forward. 

And speaking of moving forward.  We have begun diving into our books  on adoption and have been learning so much. 

We also began our required classes and both found them so interesting and helpful.  I loved how they used hands on demonstrations in order to help you understand a little bit more what these kids have been through and how the trauma they have endured has effected them.

We are also grateful that we are spreading them out a little bit in order to give us more time to digest the information, read the books and get into the mindset that we are prepared to tackle whatever problems might arise.  It was 8 hours in a classroom but to be honest it didn't bother me in the least(except our back on those chairs).  In a way it was the most interesting date we have had in a very long time.

We know we are on the right path with this and are trying to keep an open heart and mind on the things that God is giving us. 

It's been a while since I've written.  But mainly that is just due to a lack of things to talk about.  Isaac and I have slowly but surely been getting our ducks in a row to move forward with the adoption.  We have our first big 9 hour class next Saturday.  All in all we are both feeling really blessed and excited about the whole process.  We know it's going to take a lot of work and going to be hard but we also know that we are doing the right thing.


We started reading a book together on how to relate and help kids who are adopted heal.  It has been very insightful for us to know that things we would consider normal that we can do with Ezekiel might not go over as well with an adopted child and why.  It has been very eye opening.

I'm keeping this blog entry brief just wanted to give a shout out to my readers and let you know we haven't forgotten about you.  We are indeed still moving forward we just haven't had much to report beyond paper work.  But starting next week that will change. 

I will definitely be making an effort to write more as we get in the throws of everything.