I am humbled to see the work that God is doing in my own heart.  I kept praying looking around and hoping Isaac and I would line up together with what God wants for us all the while thinking in the back of my mind that I don't need anything changed I already know exactly what we should do.  But on Monday I was hit with a realization: 

We received the adoption information guide and requirements from the agency on adopting through the foster care system.  This is the organization that we are going to the orientation with on May 11th.  After receiving the information I received an email from the director.  She just wanted to make us aware, since it is not in the packet that their agency deals with children that are already released for adoption or are very close to being released.  Because of this there is either little to no chance of having a child placed with you to have them taken away after.  But also because of this they adopt out primarily ages 5+ and sibling pairs.  If we are looking for younger she can recommend another agency to go with that does the foster to adopt program but that most of the time in situations like that there is a higher chance of children being placed with you to have them taken away or going back to the parents after.  I read her email and forwarded it to Isaac and I sat and digested this information.  Thinking of jumping from toddler to older is a huge step but it's one that I'm feeling compelled to take.  If you look back a few posts you'll see where I had that sleepless night where all I could think about are the kids who feel unloved.  Who walk into a home knowing that it's only temporary.  Who wonder if I do something wrong are they going to love me?  Are they going to send me back?  Those are the kids I want to take into my arms and smother with love.  Those are the kids I want to be able to tell them You are loved.  You are wanted!  And those are the kids that are 5+.  The ones who know what is going on.  Who know that the chances for them to get adopted might never come.  I forwarded the email to Isaac wondering how he would feel about this.  I realize my heart change has slowly been happening.....we always said no infants that we would do older.....but I also remember thinking in the past to myself we should stick with 3 and under in order to eliminate or minimize any behavioral issues that come with feeling rejected or the hard life of before....I was amazed that I didn't care anymore about those issues.  That it was kids with the feelings of rejection and hurt that I wanted to show unconditional love to.  I forwarded the email to Isaac and received these text just a few minutes later:

Isaac:  How do you feel about adopting older?

Me: (Realizing he is offering for me to speak my heart since we had decided to take time separately and process/pray about it on our own...I can speak....I told him what I said above: how I feel that is what we should do, unless God leads us to siblings, or another direction but that I am okay with it)  I finished with What about you?

Isaac:  I'm okay with it.  Honestly I was concerned with adopting younger.  I think we are on the same page though

Those words....those three sweet beautiful sentences!  I realized that God is really doing a work in both of us right now.  When he got home I asked him when his mind changed on the age for adopting....he told me about a year ago he started thinking that when we adopt we need to be open to adopt older.

So you see here I was sitting there praying for God to touch and change his heart when really it was mine that God was working on.  Mine God was nudging in the direction to go a certain way.  I was humbled.

Philippians 1:6 
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.


I ask that God would continue to bring my heart in line with him.  I ask that He would show us the timeline we should start this.  This isn't something to rush into and yes we have talked about this for almost 11 years now.  But as we are taking steps to get closer and closer to this I want to be sure we are still in the right timing.  God has already sees the ending here.  I know this journey will be full of ups downs and where do we go type questions and situations.  I want to just rest knowing that God will open the doors He wants to open and close those he wants closed for us.

I know to some of you readers it may seem I'm just jumping from one thing to another in order to fill a hole that was left.  I can assure you that is not the case.  I have so much relief with the thought of not trying again.  With the thought of going down this path over another round of fertility medication.  I feel like that in and of itself speaks volumes.  But being that I feel relief and have joy at the thought of pursuing adoption shows me that I am definitely ready to move on.  To let go.    Now I just pray that Isaac feels the same way or God changes my heart so we get on the same page....again we haven't talked yet so I dont know how he feels.  Last night I asked if he was ready to talk he asked for more time.  I shall give him that.  I told him I'm ready when he is.   

I'm not going to say we will never try again.  On the contrary I feel most likely a few years down the road we may.  But when we do I want it to be after we have already pursued that which God has placed on our hearts with adoption.  I don't want to miss out on loving a child or plan my life around what ifs and hopes.  I want to move forward with a purpose and I want to start a new race.