I have started and stopped this post so many times in different ways only to go back and delete them.  So for now I'm going to try to keep it simple:

For the first time in what feels like forever I decided to used protection when getting intimate with my husband.  I could tell I was ovulating and realized that I did not want to get pregnant.  I had quite a mixture of emotions with this feeling.  Guilt that what if by some crazy happenstance this causes us to miss out on a actual pregnancy that is mean to be.  But then the realization that this confirms that I really am ready to move on and to pursue adoption.  That is where my heart is.  I want to put the effort I was using into trying to get pregnant into bringing a beautiful child already here into our homes.  It also showed me that I still need time to heal.  I need time to get past this loss before I'll be willing to open myself up that way again.  We had started planning all our lives on adding this bundle of joy in October to our family and it will not be.  It still hurts.  I still get moments of sadness where I try to take that and put it towards being productive.  I'm willing to open myself to the hardships and heartbreak that come come with adoption.  I think about the kids that God must have for us to bring into our family now.