Not Ready Yet

I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to find out if I will be able to get pregnant on my own again.  I'm not ready to see if it will take months of hell to allow me to conceive again.  But it appears I don't have a choice.  My period seems to have arrived today.  I was hoping at first that it was just a fluke and that it would turn out to just be spotting from sex a few days ago.  It appears I am not that lucky.

But it's here and there isn't anything I can do about it but bring it before God.

I was thinking just yesterday in fact on how thrilled I would be if I found out I was pregnant again but now that my period is here the what ifs again come to mind(curse those darn what ifs!)  What if I am regulated and get pregnant in the next month.  Do I really feel like I'm ready/okay with it?  But if I'm not regulated I might be okay with it for a little while but I know in the end I will get frustrated and devastated with that in the future as well.  Its a vicious circle that seems to go round and round.

I want to be normal.  I want to be able to have a regulated period at the same time if I did anything to try and prevent getting pregnant right now I would feel so guilty.  Guilty that we might struggle again to conceive in the future.

But the fact is I don't get to choose.  I don't get to make the decision on what is okay and what isn't.  Bottom line is that God knows and I need to trust that He truly does work all things out for the benefit of those who love him.

To be honest I'm not quite sure what I want.  I go from wanting to be pregnant one minute to not for a long time the next.  I take it as hormones still trying to balance themselves out along with me learning how to be a new Mom.

Either way it is out of my hands.  I will trust that God will make what happen what needs to happen

Lets Get Real

So I want to get real in today's post.  It has been a long time since I've been able to gather my thoughts enough to put them into a nice long heart felt post.  So here goes.  Being a mother is everything I ever wanted.  It is better than I ever imagined or dreamed.  But with all of that comes the reality.  The reality that it is also harder than I ever imagined it would be or than I ever dreamed it would be.  Being a Mom means you no longer sleep in, you forget to eat or just all together don't have time to eat.  It means when your exhausted and tired but when your baby cries you somehow still find the inner strength to get up and run to the child that needs you.  Being a Mom is so hard yet so rewarding.

When we were trying to get pregnant I used to hear comments about how much your life changes when you have kids:  You'll never sleep again.  You'll never get your body back.  You'll never be able to travel like you used to.  You'll suddenly be pinching pennies.  The list really can go on and on.  I used to hear those words and get so angry.  All I wanted was to have a child and these women were sitting here telling me about how it made life harder or how it ruined their lives.  Now I know that is not how they were trying to make it sound and they never used those words but in my jealousy that is how my heart took it.  But then I joined in on the Mom thing.  I joined in on having the most precious gift in the world.  And suddenly I am accosted by these thoughts.  By these aggravations, realizations and frustrations.  And with that comes guilt.  I feel guilty that I can get so frustrated with the circumstances that come with my beautiful baby boy.  Uninvited thoughts come often: What did I do?  There goes my freedom of traveling and stress free vacations.  My clothes will never fit the same again.  Wow babies are expensive  and: Man I need a drink.  This precious little gift is a lot of hard work.  But yet I worked so hard to bring him into this world.  I prayed for years spent a lot of time and money to get him to join our family and here I am having these unwelcome thoughts in my mind.  Infertility has left scars that run deep.  Scars that I hope to have healed one day.  But I never want to forget where I started in this journey.  I never want to loose sight of how far we came.

I know when I'm talking or complaining I must remind myself how hard it was to get to this point.  Every time I see a little smile I know it was worth it.

I was joking around with Isaac and told him that the only time I've ever been worried about being an alcoholic has been after having the baby.  After working with him all day and by noon already putting in almost a full work day hour wise the thoughts of having a wonderful glass of red wine after he goes to bed just sounds so wonderful.  So most nights after putting him to bed I have a drink and just let myself unwind.  And it feels wonderful.

Being a Mom is everything I ever wanted.  Its better than I ever imagined.  But it's a lot of hard work, sacrifice and straight on exhausting.  By Noon you already have put in almost a full day's work with your baby.  You begin to count the hours before your partner get's home and you can have a break.  But like all other Mom's every smile, giggle and every first makes it all so beyond worth it.

So to all of you Mom's I wanted to punch in the face when I heard you complain I say to you I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for judging you on something I had no idea of.  I'm sorry for making assumptions and thinking I was going to be better than you.  I have been officially knocked off my pedestal and joined you in the realm or reality.  And to be honest I'm so happy to be here.

So my hat is off to you!   

Back To Reality

Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I have to say I'm excited but nervous at the same time.  I am excited to get back to work.  Making some money, spending time with friends and having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the baby.  Not that I mind him being my world of course.

This past weekend we drove 5 hours to go visit family who we haven't seen in years and it was a wonderful time.  Short, just two nights, but it was so much fun to show him off to everyone.  I realize on trips like these just how much I miss family.  It is really hard being away from them all the time.  Ezekiel did great the whole trip he actually did his longest sleep stretches yet at 9 hours both nights.  Praying that he stays in that habit actually that would be amazing!  We also got the family Generational picture that we wanted to have with the men lined up in order.

I plan on flying back to my family in March since my sister is going to have a baby in February.  I'm excited to see everyone and have something to look forward to but I still can't believe it is 6 months away.  Time is just flying by so fast I know it will be here before we know it.

So I may not post next week since I'll be trying to get into the swing of things back at work but maybe that will give me some more interesting things to talk about.  I feel like my mind has been kind of a blur where I can't even give an interesting post and just ramble instead.  Maybe with longer sleep stretches my mind wont be so much mush.

Until next time

Less than a week

Today is Friday 9/4/2015 and on Tuesday the 8th I shall be returning to work.  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  This is the main reason I have been MIA  I have wanted to live in the moment.  Every moment.  I haven't been snapping pictures left and right, a few every day sure but not a ton because I don't want to look at my son's life through the eyes of a camera I want to look at it head on and with my eyes.  That is the perspective and way I want to see things.  So that is kind of why I have been MIA  I wanted to just kind of take it all in.  Enjoy and soak up every second of my last days off. 

Every day I fall more in love with this beautiful little guy that has been brought into my life.  I feel so honored that God chose me to be his Mom.  I already feel like he has so much personality.  I can't believe I can already see it at 11 weeks.

In the morning, and I mean early 4/5 am morning we will be heading out to Virginia for Ezekiel to meet his great grandfather who unfortunately is not in very good health.  We want to let them all be together since this is the first time that there are 4 generations of Hammon's alive at once so we will be going to visit and take a 4 generation picture and just spend a little time with family before I go back to work.

I'm actually excited to go back.  I miss doing hair.  I miss my co workers and I miss having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the little guy. 

Having a baby changes your world.  It changes everything.  It changes your priorities, perspectives, you name it pretty much it changes it.  But I have to say it is so worth it.

The Tattoo

Here it is.  It is so perfect I cried.  This represents Nathan constantly watching out for us but also his spirit being free and no longer bound to this earth.  He is able to sore to new heights and heavens and explore the universe beyond. 

Closure

Today I am hoping for a little closure.  A little healing.  Today I will be getting the memorial tattoo for Nathan.  I know I said I started therapy well we ended up taking two weeks off since the therapist was on vacation then the next week she was sick so asked if we could reschedule.  So I had the one session then two weeks in between before the next one.  So this week I started again and when I went in I didn't really have anything to talk about.  It was awkward and forced.  She asked how I had been dealing emotionally and I told her currently I felt fine.  That I almost cancelled the appointment because I just didn't feel that overwhelming sense of grief that felt like it was crippling me that I felt before.  So at the end of the session we decided that I would not need her on a regular basis.  She said she will keep my file in case I feel like I need to come back in but that she thinks I should just be an open case so that if those emotions hit with full force like that I can call her but she said it sounded like I was doing well on my own.  And I am.  I feel like I'm doing well.  I know that I've had a lot of great healing experiences but that it wont ever fully heal.

The pain of knowing he is gone forever on this world is so heart breaking.  But I know that God has walked me through it every step of the way.  After I get the tattoo I will post a picture.  The point of the concept is going to be that his spirit is now free and he is no longer bound by this world.  But I also feel like he hasn't quite left us yet.  That his spirit is enjoying life with us now but in a way where he isn't experiencing pain and is able to see the beauty in all things.  I know he would love it.  So that is why I've been somewhat silent the past few days it's in part because I have had a lot going on.

 Last weekend we traveled to visit friends who are Ezekiel's godparents.  It was the first time traveling for a long period of time in the car with Ezekiel(6hours) and he did great the way there.  The way back however......not so great.  I know in part it was from the mountains and his little ears where popping.  We pulled over to the side of the road numerous times in order for me to nurse him so that hopefully it would help.  Of the 6 hour drive he spent probably about half of it crying or screaming.  It got to the point I was so frustrated because I couldn't do anything for him and so I started crying myself.  I also started putting my book together on the journey that we have walked through.  I'm excited to share my thoughts and feelings with the world.


  I can not believe he's over 10 weeks now.  I took two pictures of him one at one week and one at 10 weeks to see the comparison and it is amazing:

You can still see the resemblance but now there is just so much character in that little face

I can't believe I only have about a week left to be with this little guy every day.  I have to be honest though I am excited about going back to work.  Not quite ready but excited if that makes sense.  I miss my co workers and my clients.  I'm ready to get out of the house for myself every couple days for a few hours.  But that doesn't mean I wont miss this guy every second I am gone.

My milk supply has suddenly regulated.  It seemed like it was an overnight change.  I went from pumping an additional 13+ ounces every day to 8 ounces.  I think mostly that in part because he is eating more so I'm not having quite as much left in me when he is done.  He has gotten really good at becoming an efficient eater.

And on top of that this week he slept 7-8 hour stretches every single night.  It has been such a huge adjustment.  But at the same time it has actually made me feel more tired than before I think because I'm just not used to sleep that long of a stretch. 

Time

I kind of feel like I'm not sure what to write about because I have so many different things on my mind it is hard for me to limit it to one topic.  I feel almost like everything is somewhat cloudy.  So be prepared this is going to be a very random post....the day's are mushing together and life is going way too fast.  As of today I only have two weeks left of maternity leave.  Two weeks left spending every single day with my precious angel. 

I know that I still will get so much time with him, after all I'm only going to work 14 hours a week but it is still 14 hours away from my beautiful little angel.  I know I will miss him.  Right now I'm just attempting to take advantage of the time and the snuggles and love on my little guy as much as possible.  But at the same time I feel so ready to get back to work.  So ready to see my co workers and clients and just get out every few days and have some time to myself.

Lately I've just felt like running away.  Not from Isaac or Ezekiel.....it's hard to explain what I mean.  I guess this is the best way for me to put it.  I know that one day Isaac and I are going to open an orphanage in Africa.  That is a dream that God has placed in our hearts and something that i know will come to pass eventually.  We also both have a desire to move to California one day.  Isaac for work(he wants to work in the video game scene) and me just because for some reason I have always had the desire to live there.  But now that Ezekiel is here and week after week is suddenly flying by so fast and I realize we seem so far away from these dreams.   I guess seeing him grow up so fast has kind of forced me to see in perspective how fast time really does fly by.  You can say it but when you see it before your very eyes by the weekly pictures you take it is a whole other story.   

I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way.  To feel so restless.  I kept asking Isaac to give me time lines, or goals of timing and when he couldn't or wouldn't I would get so frustrated.  But I know we are where we are supposed to be right now.  We are supposed to be in Pittsburgh with our son and our current jobs.  But I feel like time is going so fast and if we don't start moving towards those goals next thing we know it will be too late.

It makes me go back to the very first tattoo I ever got:

I got the tattoo of Africa on my foot with the scripture from Isaiah 6:8 " Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  I got this on my foot to remind me that every every choice I make is a step that will take me either closer to the dreams and callings we have or further away.  So I guess what I've kind of lost sight of is the little by little steps.  The things I can control: such as paying off our dept as fast as possible.  And just every day making decisions that will help put me in the right mind set.  I need to focus on just taking things day by day.  Yes i can look towards the goals and towards the prize but a race is won one step at a time you can't leap from the start line to the finish line without having a lot of hard work in between.

So for now this is my cry:

Heavenly Father, all I want it to be used by you in the place that I am at now.  I want to shine your light to my friends and co workers.  I want to be a good steward over all that you have blessed us with.   I want so badly to be a light and to work to let other's know you.  But I focus too much on the big picture but life isn't about the big picture.  It's about the little tings.  About the every day moments that take place.  I pray that you would help me to make the most of these every day moments.  Help me to focus on being a blessing to others and slowly working towards the goal you have given us.  Give me wisdom to know which direction to walk.  In your name I pray.  ~Amen