Lets Get Real

So I want to get real in today's post.  It has been a long time since I've been able to gather my thoughts enough to put them into a nice long heart felt post.  So here goes.  Being a mother is everything I ever wanted.  It is better than I ever imagined or dreamed.  But with all of that comes the reality.  The reality that it is also harder than I ever imagined it would be or than I ever dreamed it would be.  Being a Mom means you no longer sleep in, you forget to eat or just all together don't have time to eat.  It means when your exhausted and tired but when your baby cries you somehow still find the inner strength to get up and run to the child that needs you.  Being a Mom is so hard yet so rewarding.

When we were trying to get pregnant I used to hear comments about how much your life changes when you have kids:  You'll never sleep again.  You'll never get your body back.  You'll never be able to travel like you used to.  You'll suddenly be pinching pennies.  The list really can go on and on.  I used to hear those words and get so angry.  All I wanted was to have a child and these women were sitting here telling me about how it made life harder or how it ruined their lives.  Now I know that is not how they were trying to make it sound and they never used those words but in my jealousy that is how my heart took it.  But then I joined in on the Mom thing.  I joined in on having the most precious gift in the world.  And suddenly I am accosted by these thoughts.  By these aggravations, realizations and frustrations.  And with that comes guilt.  I feel guilty that I can get so frustrated with the circumstances that come with my beautiful baby boy.  Uninvited thoughts come often: What did I do?  There goes my freedom of traveling and stress free vacations.  My clothes will never fit the same again.  Wow babies are expensive  and: Man I need a drink.  This precious little gift is a lot of hard work.  But yet I worked so hard to bring him into this world.  I prayed for years spent a lot of time and money to get him to join our family and here I am having these unwelcome thoughts in my mind.  Infertility has left scars that run deep.  Scars that I hope to have healed one day.  But I never want to forget where I started in this journey.  I never want to loose sight of how far we came.

I know when I'm talking or complaining I must remind myself how hard it was to get to this point.  Every time I see a little smile I know it was worth it.

I was joking around with Isaac and told him that the only time I've ever been worried about being an alcoholic has been after having the baby.  After working with him all day and by noon already putting in almost a full work day hour wise the thoughts of having a wonderful glass of red wine after he goes to bed just sounds so wonderful.  So most nights after putting him to bed I have a drink and just let myself unwind.  And it feels wonderful.

Being a Mom is everything I ever wanted.  Its better than I ever imagined.  But it's a lot of hard work, sacrifice and straight on exhausting.  By Noon you already have put in almost a full day's work with your baby.  You begin to count the hours before your partner get's home and you can have a break.  But like all other Mom's every smile, giggle and every first makes it all so beyond worth it.

So to all of you Mom's I wanted to punch in the face when I heard you complain I say to you I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for judging you on something I had no idea of.  I'm sorry for making assumptions and thinking I was going to be better than you.  I have been officially knocked off my pedestal and joined you in the realm or reality.  And to be honest I'm so happy to be here.

So my hat is off to you!