Time

I kind of feel like I'm not sure what to write about because I have so many different things on my mind it is hard for me to limit it to one topic.  I feel almost like everything is somewhat cloudy.  So be prepared this is going to be a very random post....the day's are mushing together and life is going way too fast.  As of today I only have two weeks left of maternity leave.  Two weeks left spending every single day with my precious angel. 

I know that I still will get so much time with him, after all I'm only going to work 14 hours a week but it is still 14 hours away from my beautiful little angel.  I know I will miss him.  Right now I'm just attempting to take advantage of the time and the snuggles and love on my little guy as much as possible.  But at the same time I feel so ready to get back to work.  So ready to see my co workers and clients and just get out every few days and have some time to myself.

Lately I've just felt like running away.  Not from Isaac or Ezekiel.....it's hard to explain what I mean.  I guess this is the best way for me to put it.  I know that one day Isaac and I are going to open an orphanage in Africa.  That is a dream that God has placed in our hearts and something that i know will come to pass eventually.  We also both have a desire to move to California one day.  Isaac for work(he wants to work in the video game scene) and me just because for some reason I have always had the desire to live there.  But now that Ezekiel is here and week after week is suddenly flying by so fast and I realize we seem so far away from these dreams.   I guess seeing him grow up so fast has kind of forced me to see in perspective how fast time really does fly by.  You can say it but when you see it before your very eyes by the weekly pictures you take it is a whole other story.   

I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way.  To feel so restless.  I kept asking Isaac to give me time lines, or goals of timing and when he couldn't or wouldn't I would get so frustrated.  But I know we are where we are supposed to be right now.  We are supposed to be in Pittsburgh with our son and our current jobs.  But I feel like time is going so fast and if we don't start moving towards those goals next thing we know it will be too late.

It makes me go back to the very first tattoo I ever got:

I got the tattoo of Africa on my foot with the scripture from Isaiah 6:8 " Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  I got this on my foot to remind me that every every choice I make is a step that will take me either closer to the dreams and callings we have or further away.  So I guess what I've kind of lost sight of is the little by little steps.  The things I can control: such as paying off our dept as fast as possible.  And just every day making decisions that will help put me in the right mind set.  I need to focus on just taking things day by day.  Yes i can look towards the goals and towards the prize but a race is won one step at a time you can't leap from the start line to the finish line without having a lot of hard work in between.

So for now this is my cry:

Heavenly Father, all I want it to be used by you in the place that I am at now.  I want to shine your light to my friends and co workers.  I want to be a good steward over all that you have blessed us with.   I want so badly to be a light and to work to let other's know you.  But I focus too much on the big picture but life isn't about the big picture.  It's about the little tings.  About the every day moments that take place.  I pray that you would help me to make the most of these every day moments.  Help me to focus on being a blessing to others and slowly working towards the goal you have given us.  Give me wisdom to know which direction to walk.  In your name I pray.  ~Amen