Closure

Today I am hoping for a little closure.  A little healing.  Today I will be getting the memorial tattoo for Nathan.  I know I said I started therapy well we ended up taking two weeks off since the therapist was on vacation then the next week she was sick so asked if we could reschedule.  So I had the one session then two weeks in between before the next one.  So this week I started again and when I went in I didn't really have anything to talk about.  It was awkward and forced.  She asked how I had been dealing emotionally and I told her currently I felt fine.  That I almost cancelled the appointment because I just didn't feel that overwhelming sense of grief that felt like it was crippling me that I felt before.  So at the end of the session we decided that I would not need her on a regular basis.  She said she will keep my file in case I feel like I need to come back in but that she thinks I should just be an open case so that if those emotions hit with full force like that I can call her but she said it sounded like I was doing well on my own.  And I am.  I feel like I'm doing well.  I know that I've had a lot of great healing experiences but that it wont ever fully heal.

The pain of knowing he is gone forever on this world is so heart breaking.  But I know that God has walked me through it every step of the way.  After I get the tattoo I will post a picture.  The point of the concept is going to be that his spirit is now free and he is no longer bound by this world.  But I also feel like he hasn't quite left us yet.  That his spirit is enjoying life with us now but in a way where he isn't experiencing pain and is able to see the beauty in all things.  I know he would love it.  So that is why I've been somewhat silent the past few days it's in part because I have had a lot going on.

 Last weekend we traveled to visit friends who are Ezekiel's godparents.  It was the first time traveling for a long period of time in the car with Ezekiel(6hours) and he did great the way there.  The way back however......not so great.  I know in part it was from the mountains and his little ears where popping.  We pulled over to the side of the road numerous times in order for me to nurse him so that hopefully it would help.  Of the 6 hour drive he spent probably about half of it crying or screaming.  It got to the point I was so frustrated because I couldn't do anything for him and so I started crying myself.  I also started putting my book together on the journey that we have walked through.  I'm excited to share my thoughts and feelings with the world.


  I can not believe he's over 10 weeks now.  I took two pictures of him one at one week and one at 10 weeks to see the comparison and it is amazing:

You can still see the resemblance but now there is just so much character in that little face

I can't believe I only have about a week left to be with this little guy every day.  I have to be honest though I am excited about going back to work.  Not quite ready but excited if that makes sense.  I miss my co workers and my clients.  I'm ready to get out of the house for myself every couple days for a few hours.  But that doesn't mean I wont miss this guy every second I am gone.

My milk supply has suddenly regulated.  It seemed like it was an overnight change.  I went from pumping an additional 13+ ounces every day to 8 ounces.  I think mostly that in part because he is eating more so I'm not having quite as much left in me when he is done.  He has gotten really good at becoming an efficient eater.

And on top of that this week he slept 7-8 hour stretches every single night.  It has been such a huge adjustment.  But at the same time it has actually made me feel more tired than before I think because I'm just not used to sleep that long of a stretch.