I'm not ready. I'm not ready to find out if I will be able to get pregnant on my own again. I'm not ready to see if it will take months of hell to allow me to conceive again. But it appears I don't have a choice. My period seems to have arrived today. I was hoping at first that it was just a fluke and that it would turn out to just be spotting from sex a few days ago. It appears I am not that lucky.
But it's here and there isn't anything I can do about it but bring it before God.
I was thinking just yesterday in fact on how thrilled I would be if I found out I was pregnant again but now that my period is here the what ifs again come to mind(curse those darn what ifs!) What if I am regulated and get pregnant in the next month. Do I really feel like I'm ready/okay with it? But if I'm not regulated I might be okay with it for a little while but I know in the end I will get frustrated and devastated with that in the future as well. Its a vicious circle that seems to go round and round.
I want to be normal. I want to be able to have a regulated period at the same time if I did anything to try and prevent getting pregnant right now I would feel so guilty. Guilty that we might struggle again to conceive in the future.
But the fact is I don't get to choose. I don't get to make the decision on what is okay and what isn't. Bottom line is that God knows and I need to trust that He truly does work all things out for the benefit of those who love him.
To be honest I'm not quite sure what I want. I go from wanting to be pregnant one minute to not for a long time the next. I take it as hormones still trying to balance themselves out along with me learning how to be a new Mom.
Either way it is out of my hands. I will trust that God will make what happen what needs to happen
No comments:
Post a Comment