My heart is full but has grown to make room

It's been a while.  And not because I haven't had much to write about or no tulmit of emotions to deal with.  My heart is still at peace on where we are.  I would like to get pregnant again if possible but I'm okay with not getting pregnant again.  Either way I want to continue on with the adoption.  My heart still cries out to take in foster children.  I want to love all those babies who have no one to love them.  I want to love those who don't have people to love them.  I want to take others in who have no one to love them.

I feel like a major part of that stems from my own background.  My biological mom lost custody of me due to drugs and alcohol and my step Mom is the one who raised me as her own.  She loved me despite all the trouble I gave her.  I am a living example of what unconditional love can do for someone who doesn't know what it looks like.  And I want to be able to give that love to others.

I find myself browsing the adoption websites where my heart just explodes at the smiling needy faces on them.  All I want to do is kiss them and hug them and give them all the love possible!  I want so badly to be able to love on them like Jesus would.

My heart is full yes, but at the same time I feel like my heart has gotten bigger and so has even more room to let others into our family.  I know that when the time is right God will lead Isaac and I down that path.  I am excited for where things are going and what God has in store for us. 

I am reminded of years ago when God spoke to my heart about what His view of success is compared to what we think it is.  I saw a vision of a huge sky scraper building with marble floors and pillars and huge fountains.  I looked around heard God speak to my heart that this is how man views success but this is how I view it:  Then I saw a little shack on a hill I went inside and the homeless where being fed, prostitutes being loved despite how others judge them.  Children being cared for who have no one to love them.  This is the way I want my life to pan out.  I want to look back and see God's definition of success at work in my life.  I want to calm my heart enough to enjoy the journey as we move forward that way too.  I will not allow my restlessness to choke out the joy of now.

Dear heavenly Father, The cry of my heart is that you would lead and guide us into the direction you would have us to go.  I ask that you would cause things to fall into place at the right time that you would like it to.  God I speak peace and direction into our lives.  There are certain children out there that you have for us to take in.  I thank you that you will guide and lead us to them Jesus.  In your holy name ~Amen


Ezekiel is doing well.  I can't believe he is already a little over 7.5 months old.  He is just so full of joy and happiness and makes my heart sing.  He still isn't showing any interest in crawling which I am 100% okay with.  The longer he waits the longer I have to baby proof.  But he has decided to though that he can scoot on his butt to get around.  He can't do it very fast but at least he's excited when he gets to move.

Good Good Father

Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin

This is a song has been coming to my mind over and over lately.  Listen to the words and just let it sink down into your heart.

I start thinking about where I am currently in life and begin to get so wrestless.  I don't want to settle for my life.  I want so badly to accomplish those things I feel like God has called me to.  But I look at where I am now and it just seems so incredibly far away.  I know it really isn't.  I know that God has my path planned out even more than i do.  I knwo that every step i take will take me either closer in that direction or further away.  But I feel in part that Isaac and I will get there but my heart is ready now and his is not. 

I can not stop thinking of fostering.  Taking in those children that need it so badly.  I just want to love on them and give them hope and a future.  I just want so badly to be able to be a light to those hurting.  What if I am the only Jesus those kids will ever see. 

I want to go to Africa.  I want to hold those abandoned babies to love on them like they desereve.  I have to keep taking steps back and realize I know that right now I am exactly where God wants me to be.  But I'll be honest( and yes I know this might sound horrible but I strive for honest heart felt comments here)  Sometimes I feel chained down.  Like I can't spread me wings and fly as much as I would want to with a baby, a husband, a house, a car, a job that has a limited amount of vacation time aloud.  I just feel somewhat chained.  But I know that it's not a bondage it's more of a tethering.  I know that I am where i am now supposed to be.  I know that one day I will get to do all those things in my heart and when I do it will just be that more precious but I also know that Isaac needs to have those same fires lit in him. 

He hates change, but yet these are things we talked about from the beginning since before we even where dating.  Part of me though get's scared that I will have this fire lit so bright and then it will take forever for him and the fears re-emerge on how I was ready for kids several years before he was but then when he was ready it still took us almost 3 years before that.  But then I look back and realize that Ezekiel really did come at the perfect time.  We are in a good place.  And nothing can change that.  God I just ask for your wisdom in this.  I don't want to feel chained but instead I want to take advantage of the current opportunities to be your hands and feet.  I want instead to love others as you want me to love them.  I want to pour out your love.  I want Ezekiel to learn to be giving and loving.  To see those no one else wants to see because it is the right thing to do.  God I just ask that you would indeed guide and direct us into the way you would like us to go.  I pray that you would ignight the same passions and desires in my heart that are in Isaacs and vice versa that you would help us to continue to love others as you would.  That you would help us to be a light that shines in the darkness in every single thing that we do.  I thank you and praise you for that Lord.

How do I feel?  I guess somewhat restless.  There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel like life is just so very short.  I just want so badly to take advantage of every second.  But right now that time involves loving on my precious little baby.  On being the best Mom to him I can be.  To being a supportive wife.  To taking things step by step since I know that right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  It's okay that I don't know the future as much as I hate that.  But I know that God will open the doors for us that need to be opened and he will close those that need to be closed.

God I lay it down.  Every bit of it.  Help me to search after you in all things.  I thank you for that Lord.

Now to update you on the little man.  He officially cut his first tooth on Monday!  He also hit 7 months old.  He isn't really showing interest in crawling yet he just likes to roll all around the living room. 

Isaac and I are doing well in our marriage.  We love spending time together and I love seeing Ezekiel light up when Daddy walks into the room or when I do.  My heart is full but yet it is not.  I saw some friends walking into Church on Sunday with their 3 kids in tow and I thought to myself I want that.  I don't care how it comes but I want that.  Then we went to Macy's to find some gift for a friends baby shower and as I was browsing through the clothes a woman was there looking for pjs for her new grandkids.  She told me that her daughter just called her today to tell her she was adopting a brother sister pair through the foster care system.  The little boy was 3 and the sister just 20 months old.  She said she can't have children so she was adopting and that she called to tell her she got paired with the siblings and she wants her to be called NaNa.  I heard this story and the woman began to cry, and I began to cry right with her.  It was as if God was speaking to my heart that this is what I will do one day.  I want it so badly already but just hearing that story made me want it even more.  It made me okay even more with the idea of not being pregnant again, though I have good days and bad days on that. 

I know this blog post isn't going in any particular order and I apologize for that but there is a lot on my mind and I lot has taken place since I last was on here. 

I feel for now this is all I want to write about.

I am seeking God while He may be found and I am trying to call on him while He is near.  I want to walk the path that he has for me and I want to go day by day closer to what He has called us to be.  Every day I have choices to make.  I want to put my flesh down, which isn't easy.  Lately I've been convicted about how much I exaggerate.  I just need to stop to truly lay it down.  To let God work in my life and heart inside and out in everything I do.  Help me Lord Jesus.  Amen

First let's start this post with a little bit of joy:

How can you not smile at seeing that face.  He is getting just so very big and every day is doing something new.  He doesn't really seem like he wants to crawl.  He'll be on his tummy for a few minutes then roll right onto his back and be playing with his feet.  He's gotten  to a point where he doesn't really babble but just grunts and yells out a high pitch noise of excitement.  But it's funny to hear his different grunts that have meanings. 

Things with me on the fertility front still seem to be out in the wild yonder.  I am still trying the Essential Oils and am definitely seeing a difference when it comes to how heavy I'm bleeding and my period but didn't help me to ovulate any sooner.  But I'm going to try it for another month then switch to a fertility blend if nothing changes.

So that's it on the physical front so now time to dig a little deeper.  I feel like most of my post have been very surface and just letting you know what is going on but I think in part its because I haven't wanted to feel the bad or acknowledge it at all.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about my hurting family:

My Brother has been dating a wonderful woman for the past two years.  Together he has raised her kids and they just had one together in Ocotber.  But on December 24th, Christmas Eve, they lost their 20 month old to health problems.  Baby Mike was such a fighter and the Dr's didn't think he would live past 3 months but he did.  He would laugh and smile all in my brother's arms.  He was their light and he is now an angel in heaven.  I was talking with my brother's Fiance today and obviously she is having a rough time.  She is not only dealing with post partum hormones from just having her baby 8ish weeks ago but also now the loss of her other baby, now the stress of having to pay for the funeral, not working(she had quit her job in order to spend as much time with him as possible in his short life).  And just all in all I wished I could have reached through the phone and given her a huge hug.  It saddened my heart.  So I'm just going to put this out there.  They need $1000 by January 26th in order to pay the rest of the funeral home bill and we are reaching out for help:

Help With Funeral Costs

As for me emotionally I feel I'm in a really good place.  I am happy I'm not pregnant again.  Which I never thought I would say.  And with that comes a whole huge slue of emotions: guilt mostly.  I feel guilty that I am relieved I'm not pregnant.  I feel scared at the thought of ruining our "perfect family".  Feel guilty again for even thinking of it that way.   But every day that goes by I just have so much fun with my little man and I am just taking it all in and soaking him up.  It's hard for me to imagine enjoying it as much if I were pregnant again.  I know when he gets a little older I will want another baby so bad yet at the same time I feel more and more each day that he is enough.  I don't know if that is God trying to work his will into my mind or if maybe it is just my own gratefulness and overwhelming love for this little human that has come to join our world.  I can't help but remember that feeling I had that it would take a long time for me to get pregnant like Abraham and Sarah but that then our promise would come, but that it might be one child of our own and a lot through adoption.  Would I want to get pregnant?  Yes absolutely yet there is this little part of me that was relieved when I got my period this month.  Frustrated yes because my body is still hay wire and I didn't even have the option to get pregnant.  But yet relieved.  It makes me think of this scenario:  Imagine going into a restaurant.  You get the same thing every time you go there because you love it so much.  But imagine if you went and they handed you a menu with only the one item on there.  You would be frustrated, annoyed and never want to go back there.  Yet, even if you had the full menu you would be happy with what you always order.  I know that seems a little weird comparison but the point remains.  I am happy with our life now.  I love having our son, I love that Isaac and I are finally able to spend some time together since we got him on a better schedule and we can stay up a little later(like 11pm lol).  But yet I'm annoyed that if we decided to get pregnant it wouldn't be happening.  So in a way I'm grateful for this time to try and get myself back together in the way I should be.  I guess I should be focusing on the good things about this situation.  Maybe now when my heart is ready to be pregnant again and to add another little one to the family then my body will be in line and if it isn't then we have our answer on what we have to do: either fertility treatments or adoption.

So that my friends is where I am at.  I know it's a lot.  But it's not all sunshine and roses.  But either way my heart rejoices and sings praise.  For I am blessed.

~Amen

Another Year coming to a close

This past year has just flown by.  But it has been quite amazing.  I am so incredibly blessed.  I look forward to the next year being full of just as much love and passion.  Probably even more exciting since Ezekiel is becoming more and more active and interactive with everything he does.  I just feel beyond blessed.  I feel like I could repeat that over and over and over again. 


So what do I look forward to in this next year?  Lots of love and family.  We will get to go to Louisiana twice next year along with visiting with our friends and going on vacation together.  I know Ezekiel will just get funner as the year draws on.

In the beginning of January my sister in law will be coming to stay with us for a weekend so we will be having a date night.  I think we need one very badly.  Not just to have some time away to ourselves but to reconnect and just spend some quality time together.  I am very much looking forward to it. 

Ezekiel's First Christmas

I woke up this morning just feeling so incredibly blessed.  This past year has been an absolute whirl wind.  I know that last year I never pictured being where I am today.  Life seemed so hard and things just seemed so broken.  With Nathan having just passed away the year before and then No family in town for Christmas.  The constant bleeding I was dealing with in the pregnancy.  Everything was just so incredibly hard.  But this year I woke up with my heart overflowing with joy and gladness.

We had my husband's family come into town and they are staying with us for a few days and it was so nice to celebrate Christmas with them here at home.


I feel like I could go on and on in ramblings but really The person I need to thank is God:

Heavenly Father, you see my heart and hear my thanks even though I feel words themselves are not enough.  You Lord Jesus have blessed us beyond measure.  Let us continue to bring praise and honor to you in everything that we say and do.  Let us honor you with our words, our hearts our everything.  Lord help us to raise up this young man you have blessed us with the way you would desire for us to raise him.  Help us Lord Jesus to be examples of love, compassion, gentleness and giving.  Let us constantly build him up to be more like you.  Thank you Lord for bringing us out of the fire.  Thank you for using this past year to bring healing to our hearts.  We Praise and thank you for that Lord Jesus.  In your holy name Lord.  ~Amen

Here is Ezekiel this morning in front of the tree and then a really plush reindeer stuffed animal that Nana and Gramps(my in laws) got him for Christmas.  He loved it he just held it and wouldn't let go.  So adorable

 

At Peace

Lately I just feel at peace.  I know that if God wants us to have another baby it will happen and I feel content letting it be so.  It's a a huge emotional change from last post.  I think in part though I can credit my body getting slightly back on track or so it seems.  I did hours of research on certain essential oils that can help regulate my hormones and essentially do what the fertility drugs did and help get my body back on track.  I am not a doctor and there are so many contradictory articles out there but after a lot of research on what is safe and not safe while breast feeding and contacting a few people I know who sell essential oils I decided to give it a go.  And it is already making a big difference on my cycles.  I'm only on day 5 of use but can see a difference when it comes to temping compared to last time here was my last temping chart from September followed by my current one:

As you can see it is a huge difference!  I am absolutely amazed by what I see. I think this is the reason I feel at peace.  It's not that I necessarily have the huge desire to get pregnant right away but more that I just want to be fixed.  I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do every day and at least give myself the opportunity to get pregnant every month.  I keep picturing in my head the little story line of I realize my period is late take a test and it's positive.  I'm overjoyed and think of a fun way to surprise Isaac with the news.  I much prefer this over what we both had to do last time: obsessing over the tests taking them as soon as possible and sometimes several times a day.  I just want to be able to be able to be over the moon excited without the anxiety of staring at the test with a I'm going to freak out if I get another negative type feeling.

I'm interested to see how the rest of the month turns out.  I'm not at a place yet where I want to do ovulation kits and other fertile testing with sex every other day but just knowing that there is an actual possibility that my body is getting back on track just makes me so incredibly happy.  Though I have to admit I need to try to not count my chickens before they hatch which is easier said than done sometimes.  But I feel like it will just take so much pressure off of me.  Not that Isaac was pressuring me to begin with.  

As to the family dinamic we are in a good routine.  Ezekiel has started getting me up at around 6 pm every night which is okay since he sleeps most nights through or just wakes up once and is normally back asleep within 30 min.  I can not believe he will be 6 months in just two more days.  Where on earth did the time go?  I just can not believe it.

With Christmas right around the I am feeling very blessed and grateful.  I can't believe all the healing that has taken place in the past year.   Last year we did not have my brother with us and those holidays were just so incredibly hard but knowing this year we have the most precious gift we could ever have I just can not imagine anything better.   Isaac's family will be coming to stay with us for Christmas and it will be quite a full house but a lot of fun letting them all play with the little guy. 

De Ja Vu

I just can't do it.  I can't go through it all over again.  Its like a bad case of de ja vu.  My periods came back at 12 weeks and I was so excited since the first two seemed to be "normal" 4/5 days 31 days in between everything looked so promising to be able to get pregnant on our own.  Then things started going downhill.  First with the third period coming just two weeks after the other one ended(where I ovulated or got a + opk) just two days prior to its arrival it lasted 7 days and was really heavy.  Then that cycle  the next period came at 28 days and I am now on day 9 it is very heavy and painful and have all these horrible memories coming back of how hard it was to get pregnant the first time and how messed up my cycles were before.

We always wanted our kids close in age and if I can not be ovulating on my own then chances are that I might not get to get pregnant on our own as well.  But really we can't afford  fertility treatments.  But then as I begin to get disappointed I keep feeling that tugging on my heart asking why isn't one enough?  And I begin to get this overwhelming feeling to foster and bring in all these little ones that are less fortunate than us who need someone to love them.  The desire to foster has become so strong on my heart.  But Isaac isn't there.  He would rather adopt then foster.  He said he is afraid of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away.  I understand that but also feel those might be the kids that need the most love the ones who get placed in our care from a bad situation but then may be required to go back there.  Then I think of those kids that are a little older, siblings that if they don't get adopted together will be separated and placed in separate homes and I want to take them in to.  My heart just feels like it's breaking so much for all these little ones.  All I want to do is bring them all in.

I have an idea that popped into my head even as I'm writing this.  What if we were to get a house, or someone donated one, and we build it up almost like a daycare center, but with rooms for children to sleep in, toys ect; and it is a foster care house, not an orphanage but a place where other foster parents come together and we take shifts where there are always a few adults together there 24/7 and we are able to take in as many foster care children as possible.  I know in certain states(I've heard here in PA) there are so many kids in need that some of them have to sleep at the cps offices since there are not enough foster parents to take them in.  This just breaks my heart and should never be the case!  Wouldn't it be great to be able to join together with other foster parents and have a community built like this.  It makes me almost think of an orphanage.  But I guess really I need Isaac to be on the same page as me when it comes to fostering over adoption.  This isn't something I feel i should talk constantly to him about.  He knows my heart and I've left it at that.  He needs to have God point him this direction if it's the direction we are supposed to go.

But back to the current.  I am very frustrated with my body yet starting to realize that God has a plan.  Some days that is easier to accept then others.  But I decided this month I will check for ovulation just to see if I'm even ovulating at a place where it will make it possible to get pregnant.  If not then Okay I know that no matter what If God wants it to happen he will work another miracle.  If it turns out I am ovulating then okay, we will see if we get a surprised blessing one month.


It also brings up fears that my estrogen levels might be high again naturally and not going down which according to google(never should have looked it up) can lead to all sorts of issues such as ovarian cancer, breast cancer ect;  I know this isn't something I should give into I shouldn't allow fear to rule in my life or heart but I can't help getting angry and frustrated.   I won't let the fear control me but I will be proactive about it.  If we end up not getting pregnant in the next few years I might talk to my dr about what can we do to decrease my estrogen levels that do not include birth control since every   one they put me on isn't a high enough dose so I end up having break through bleeding every single time and just all around I'm kind of a mess on it.



So that being said that is what is going on with me lately.  An inner struggle and argument with myself on a regular basis of one minute being okay and happy with not getting pregnant again and the next thinking it's just unfair and Ezekiel is so amazing I want  another one and I loved being pregnant.



But I choose to let it go.  God I give you control.  I know it is so easy to get frustrated with the way things are and to allow myself to obsess and just overall become a little crazy.  But I choose to truly lay it all down at your feet.  I ask that you would make me who you desire for me to be.  Help Isaac and I to have our hearts both line up with what you desire of us.  I ask that you would open doors you want open for us and close those you want closed.  We thank you and praise you for it Lord in your holy name.  ~Amen.  

And for your viewing pleasure here are some Christmas photos I took of Ezekiel