Last night as I lay in bed trying to still my mind to sleep all I could think about was all the beautiful children out there who feel unloved.  We had this child and already loved it so unconditionally.  So much that it seemed to momentarily shattered us when we lost it.  No child should ever feel that way.  I pictured myself loving on a child who as they walk through our door are having doubts, hurts and fears.  Are we going to love them?  Are they going to be able to stay with us?  Fears and insecurity that no child should EVER feel.  None should ever feel unloved or unwanted.

God I want to just take them all in.  I want to bring them into my arms and love on them unconditionally. I feel as my heart is healing it's closing in one direction and opening in another.  I feel like God is pouring himself out into our lives and allowing us to heal but also...maybe move into a different direction.

God whatever you want of us...That is what I want.  Whichever route you desire of us....that is the route we wish to go.  Show us your direction and path.  Help us to know which way we should go.

On April 23rd I have an appointment to get a tattoo in remembrance of this beautiful miracle that was lost to us.  And to commemorate the past losses as well.  I will be doing this(yet adding three stars underneath to represent the three losses):

As I thought about the three little stars underneath I thought about how I don't want to add any more stars.  I really just want to let go.  To close this door and let God take control if one day in the future He sees fit to bless us with another.  I almost feel like this is me giving myself closure on this chapter. But today I received in the mail the most beautiful drawing from a friend:

When I opened it I cried.  You can not tell very well from the picture but the three little ones looking on from the sideline are colored with Rainbow colors to represent the losses.  When I opened it saw what it represent I again felt like it was closure.  I don't want another elephant looking on from the sideline.....maybe it's time to shut the door.


What does shutting the door mean for me?  I never plan to go on birth control again or to openly try to prevent.  But maybe it is time to just let it not matter.  Stop trying to get pregnant, stop hoping to get pregnant and stop caring if I get pregnant.  Much easier said then done when you have lived it every day almost for the last 5 years.  And for now life goes on slowly day by day.  I go back to work tomorrow and know that my coworkers may feel awkward around me at first.  May not know what to say.  But I will love them anyway exactly where they are as I hope they can do the same for me as I heal.