Victory!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!-> This doesn't even begin to describe how I actually feel!  My estrogen levels dropped to 3!  So starting tomorrow I begin the fertility pills!  I am so incredibly excited.  They are putting me on a heavy dose and giving me the trigger shot.  I am so excited.  After two years of month after month of disappointment Our God is so good!  I needed this so bad.

I needed this victory so badly.  God you saw my heart and heard my prayers!  Thank you so much for your peace and for helping me to reach this point.

I am so incredibly excited!  I do have to say it will be slightly awkward since we will have family staying with us during our required Sex days but I told Isaac I'm so excited I don't care I will rock the house!  Even if we do not get pregnant this time which I am praying so badly that we will this means it is not the end!  I will be able to get treatment!

So starting tomorrow(cycle day 3) I will take to pills of letrozole/or femara and then I will go in on cycle day 12(Sunday June 29th for another Ultrasound and blood work to see if I'm ready to ovulate and if so I will take the trigger shot, we will time our intercourse for three days then starting after that I will take the progesterone suppositories in order to make sure my Luteal Phase is long enough and that the progesterone and estrogen levels are where they need to be!  I'm so excited!  Come on Twins!!!

Jesus I thank you that you are indeed a God of victories.  I thank you that today is finally the beginning of a new chapter!  You will bring us never ending victory!  I thank you for that Lord!  You are incredible and amazing and I praise your name for your victory!  Help me to continue to shine in the weeks ahead.  To shine with your love, your light and your passion.  I praise you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

The beginning of the end

So I started my birth control induced period today.  So tomorrow I will find out one way or another where this journey will be heading.  I did talk to the nurse and told her to talk to the Dr and let her know if I am able to get treatment that I definitely want to do the trigger shot and she said she had no problem with that and that if it made me feel more comfortable they would keep it on hand and call it in for me.  So that made me feel better. 

So now its a matter of waiting.  Its out of my hands now and nothing I can do is gonna change it. 

I still feel an overwhelming sense of peace and acceptance.  Whatever God has planned we will know.  I'm just glad to finally get answers.  I just pray that I will have this same feeling tomorrow.

Acceptance without Answers

I'm not sure why, or even how it's possible but I woke up today with a complete sense of acceptance.  I may not know what next week's answers are going to bring.  I know what I believe they are going to bring.  I know what Isaac believes they are going to be.  Then I know what I want them to be.  But none of this matters.  In the end it's in His hands either way.  He is in control of the entire situation. 

If I get good news then I will dance on the streets in joy.  If its bad news where I'm told that my body is not compatible with fertility treatments then I hope to be like David in 2 Samuel 12:

 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

2 Samuel 12:16-23

I will be the victor either way.  If I am not yet able to have a child of my own it just means that God has a much deeper plan for me.  There is a difference though between knowing this, seeing it and then truly loving it.  I want to love it.  If I am told no I want to dust myself off and move on move away from the dream of experiencing the wonder of pregnancy, of starting a family the "normal way" I am reminded of the scripture "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" John 12:24  This dream it will come into fruition.  I will one day have a child of my own who will rock the very foundations of the world.  He will be perfect in every way possible.  I've been praying that God would close the doors He wants closed and open those He wants open.  I can not very well get angry when He does exactly what I ask.   I can experience the emotions that will come with the different doors but I can not allow it to rule in my life.  Even Jesus begged and sweat blood in anticipation of what was to come.  But in the end He dusted himself off and moved forward.  

I'm so very tired of this journey.  And if the answer is no I have no idea how to move forward.  We know we will move to adopt but how?  How do we even begin with that.  It seems a lot of prayer and contemplation time is in our future.  And a lot of emotional journeys.  I have a friend who asked if there was any news on the starting the family front.  I hadn't been keeping her in all the details because she just doesn't understand the emotions and hardships that come with infertility.  When I had last mentioned a few months ago(after she asked whats new) the steps we were taking to begin fertility treatments she said you know your just thinking about it to much just stop thinking about it it will happen.  I know a lot of you readers who struggle with the same thing when you hear those words it takes every ounce of your self control to just not verbally knock the person out.  They have no idea what this journey entails.  They have no idea that you feel broken and no amount of not thinking about it will fix it.  Well since this converstation I had decided to keep her out of the loop entirely unless she asked specifically about it.  Well when she came over again recently she asked how the fertiltiy stuff was going.  I gave a very simple answer of well we find out at the end of the month if we get treatment if we can't then we will start an adoption process.  She responded: "Devin, your so young.  Why would you start that it will happen when its time.  You just have to stop thinking about it."  Great advice coming from someone who a)doesn't have children b) Has no idea what your dealing with emotionally with this.  I told her look I know we are young but I'm broken this isnt a matter of lets stop thinking about it and things will magically come together.  My body is not doing what it was created to do and is not functioning how it was created to function.  And as to adoption this isn't a punishment.  We have always wanted to adopt and we want a family so we shall start our family with adoption.  

I think a lot of people see adoption as a negative way to start a family.  Though I really don't know how bringing any child into your life would be negative.  Hard and emotional yes but negative?  I have gotten that response from so many people around me that I have lost count.  

That being said my body is broken.  And yet I serve that master healer.  He will heal me eventually.  I just pray its now and not in the future. 

Lord I lay my life down.  I've allowed so often these emotions to dictate my daily lives and I realize now its a daily battle.  A daily struggle to not fight with jealousy, anger, mistrust and hurt.  Lord help me to behave as you would behave.  Help to lay it all down truly at your feet.  I ask this in your holy name Lord.  ~Amen.

Almost out of Limbo

Today I have been incredibly tired.  I feel just drained emotionally and physically.  I just want to be joyful again.  I want to feel His presence radiating out of me.  I have allowed so many of these emotions to dictate my attitude in so much lately and I don't want it to.  I know they say positivity is a choice.  This is so much easier said than done.  I just can't do it on my own.  I see the days counting down to be able to go back to the Dr.  I'm so very ready to be at the end of this limbo.  Even though I don't know where it will lead.  I'm trying to just trust and rest in God's plan knowing that He is indeed in control trying to get everything to

That being said I also have not had any spotting today on the birth control for the first time so that is a plus.   Guess every cloud can have a silver lining. 

A tightly coiled spring

Lately I have felt like a very tightly coiled spring ready to either be sprung like a bullet or break under the pressure.  Its going to be one or the other.  Its not just one thing that's making me feel this way either its the entire situation.   The not being able to be in control.  The wonder of what the answer is going to be.  Then there is the intuition I have that this chapter in this journey is coming to a close.  Isaac pointed out this could be a good thing and be bringing us into a new chapter of joy but I'm not so optimistic.  Not because I don't want to be but because for the past year and 10 months it has been month after month after month of bad news.  And today I am feeling it.  Oh so badly.  I have Pandora playing right now with Our God by Chris Tomlin playing...kind of exactly what I need to hear.

I broke down today at work.  And I know some things in my personal life have something to do with it.  It's been a very rough 24 hours.   Not to mention still the no caffein, sugar and the medication, ect.  I'm just exhausted.  Emotionally physically and spiritually.  I tried to pray and couldn't I just have no energy.  I'm just ready for all this to be over.

On the other side of things I'm on my last week of birth control so I will find out very soon if I will indeed be able to receive the treatment or not.  So either way this chapter is coming to an end.  I will get closure one way or the other.  I just pray it's in the way of being able to be pregnant.  I keep thinking of the joys of carrying a child.  The miracle that you are a part of and how amazing it is!  I want to experience this miracle for myself.

Lord you said not to worry about tomorrow tomorrow has enough troubles on its own.  Well Lord I need help.  Right now I have so much wrong with me, so much I need to look at I just need your help to stay calm and peaceful either way.  Help me Oh Lord.  I want every decision every day to be something that brings glory and honor to you.  I keep giving into my flesh and allow my emotions to take control and I just can't anymore.  God help me to guard my tongue to guard what I say and how I say it.  It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.  In your holy Son's name I pray Lord.  ~Amen.   

I remember all too clearly why I HATE Birth Control

So let's put this in perspective for you readers.  For those of you who have been reading all my previous posts you already can see what a lovely and emotional wreck I can be just with the entire journey.  Now lets throw in the thyroid medication....Yeah major mood swings with that, but my body finally started to adjust and I finally started to become my regular super positive happy self.  I have been running, getting into shape and despite how hard this journey has been actually just feeling really good.

So now (says the evil Dr rubbing their hands together*yes I know this is not really the case**) Lets throw in birth control!  OMG!!!!!!  It can just hit me and suddenly I feel like a raging monster hormone wise.  And I spot all the time!!!  Literally every day light bleeding.  But then to top it all off my amazing husband(no that isn't sarcasm) went on a hunt for all natural ways to help lower the estrogen levels in your body.....and he begged me to try this just for these three weeks so we can say and know we tried everything.  **How can I say no to that?**
 So...
1- just the general emotions of struggling with infertility
2- Thyroid Medication
3- Birth control(spotting constantly, feeling bloated, mood swings ect)
4- BODY CLEANSE!-(no caffeine, processed foods, sugars, low carbs, high fiber.  Tons of fruits and veggies 0 desserts)
So I love my coffee-I think that has been the hardest of everything....but throw it all in the pot together stir it up makes for one not so happy camper.

I know it will be worth it.  I told Isaac(my husband) the day that I go in to test the estrogen levels checked immediately following I shall reward myself after with a cup of coffee!

So today marks a week of being on the birth control.  I literally spot and bleed every single day.  I told my Dr about it...I had this problem when I was taking it while trying not to get pregnant(funny concept since now I know I never needed it). They tell me it's ok and just what happens to some women in response to the hormones.  Well I hate it!

Okay so now that my temper tantrum has been thrown.  I'm gonna go ahead take a deep breathe and Thank and believe God that He is the provider of all our needs.  His grace is sufficient for me.  He sees every single thing that comes my way.

Lord I thank you that children are a heritage from you.  You promised us children and I am believing and speaking to my body and saying that it will line up with the word of God that by His stripes I am indeed healed and He will indeed bring me down the path that He has for me.  I believe you are a God of miracles and that you will cause my body to line up to your word.  Perfect hormones in ready and ripe condition to begin treatment.  

Not good news(Estrogen level's went even higher the Dr is mystified)

So I've included some of the history here since I feel it is important for those reading this who don't know the full extent of everything and don't want to start from the beginning.  For those of you who read and follow on a regular basis simply skip down past the italicized words and you will be able to see what the newest update is:  

We have been trying  to get pregnant now for almost 2 years.  Back in October my thyroid was a little high(5.6) and since we had already been trying for over a year I went to an endocrinologist  to try and get on some thyroid medications to see if it would help.  I chart my temperatures and could tell from charting that a lot of things where consistent with hypothyroidism.  A little of my back history.  I have 31-34 day cycles.  I do not ovulate until cycle day 28ish the longest luteal phase I have ever had was a 5 days but most of the time it is only 3 days.  My periods are always at least 11 days in length, most of the time this does not include the light spotting that takes place two days before hand.  So I knew there was a problem so my dr sent me to an endo and had my blood work redone and it came back normal..(2.21) they want you below 2.5 if your are trying to conceive, so still due to my other problems my endo decided to put me on metformin for pcos.  I was on it for 3 months still no difference except I actually started to bleed after sex and occasionally between periods...my endo said this wouldn't be caused by the metformin.  So In February we decided to go see an RE- she wanted to retest everything and told me to stop taking the metformin(which when I stopped all the bleeding stopped) since my endo did not do any tests to back up if I had pcos, so we did all the preliminary tests: hsg sonohystagram, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work on set days everything.  Turns out after all that my thyroid went back into Hypo again.  I also had high estrogen that month but I also had a cyst on my ovaries(this can cause the high estrogen) So she told me she wants me to go on Levythoroxin for 6 weeks and to get my thyroid below 2.5 before we begin fertility treatments.  So I did and after 6 more weeks of waiting got the go ahead my thyroid was good!  


 So on Friday(cycle day 2) I went in to the Dr the plan was to just get my baseline blood work done, check for cysts and then start me on Fremara cd 3-7 then possibly get the trigger shot when I'm ready to Ovulate, then a 20 day progesterone regimen.  So I get a call from the Dr that my Estrogen is at 100(this is almost in the pregnancy range) they did a pregnancy blood test(negative of course since I only ovulated a few days before)  So they told me to wait and come back in on cd 5(today-Memorial day) to see if my estrogen levels go down, they need to go below 88 to be able to do any type of fertility treatments.  So I went back in this morning and had my blood work redone.  I got a call from the Dr's office my estrogen actually jumped from 100 to 139 in these two days.
My Dr is "mystified"  I do not have signs completely consistent with pcos(none of the bloodwork backed it up) I was negative for hashimitos yet my estrogen is getting higher and is now in the range of pregnant women on day 5 of my period. 
So she is having me take bc a month and is going to see if this will help suppress whatever it is that is causing the elevated estrogen.  She said if this doesn't work she doesn't know what can be done and she will have to reach out to someone else to see if they have any suggestions.  This is a very rare occurrence.  It's not unheard of just very rare. 

I know we will have children one day and all this nonsense will just make it more precious to us when it does happen.  I just have to continue to believe God for a miracle.  On the bright side by starting this birth control I will be able to try and start the next treatment sooner, hopefully in just three and a half weeks.  So better than waiting for my next regular period to start.