If I get good news then I will dance on the streets in joy. If its bad news where I'm told that my body is not compatible with fertility treatments then I hope to be like David in 2 Samuel 12:
David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth
on the ground. The
elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground,
but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
On
the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell
him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was
still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we
now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
David
noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he
realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His
attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was
alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up
and eat!”
He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But
now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back
again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
2 Samuel 12:16-23
I will be the victor either way. If I am not yet able to have a child of my own it just means that God has a much deeper plan for me. There is a difference though between knowing this, seeing it and then truly loving it. I want to love it. If I am told no I want to dust myself off and move on move away from the dream of experiencing the wonder of pregnancy, of starting a family the "normal way" I am reminded of the scripture "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and
dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many
seeds" John 12:24 This dream it will come into fruition. I will one day have a child of my own who will rock the very foundations of the world. He will be perfect in every way possible. I've been praying that God would close the doors He wants closed and open those He wants open. I can not very well get angry when He does exactly what I ask. I can experience the emotions that will come with the different doors but I can not allow it to rule in my life. Even Jesus begged and sweat blood in anticipation of what was to come. But in the end He dusted himself off and moved forward.
I'm so very tired of this journey. And if the answer is no I have no idea how to move forward. We know we will move to adopt but how? How do we even begin with that. It seems a lot of prayer and contemplation time is in our future. And a lot of emotional journeys. I have a friend who asked if there was any news on the starting the family front. I hadn't been keeping her in all the details because she just doesn't understand the emotions and hardships that come with infertility. When I had last mentioned a few months ago(after she asked whats new) the steps we were taking to begin fertility treatments she said you know your just thinking about it to much just stop thinking about it it will happen. I know a lot of you readers who struggle with the same thing when you hear those words it takes every ounce of your self control to just not verbally knock the person out. They have no idea what this journey entails. They have no idea that you feel broken and no amount of not thinking about it will fix it. Well since this converstation I had decided to keep her out of the loop entirely unless she asked specifically about it. Well when she came over again recently she asked how the fertiltiy stuff was going. I gave a very simple answer of well we find out at the end of the month if we get treatment if we can't then we will start an adoption process. She responded: "Devin, your so young. Why would you start that it will happen when its time. You just have to stop thinking about it." Great advice coming from someone who a)doesn't have children b) Has no idea what your dealing with emotionally with this. I told her look I know we are young but I'm broken this isnt a matter of lets stop thinking about it and things will magically come together. My body is not doing what it was created to do and is not functioning how it was created to function. And as to adoption this isn't a punishment. We have always wanted to adopt and we want a family so we shall start our family with adoption.
I think a lot of people see adoption as a negative way to start a family. Though I really don't know how bringing any child into your life would be negative. Hard and emotional yes but negative? I have gotten that response from so many people around me that I have lost count.
That being said my body is broken. And yet I serve that master healer. He will heal me eventually. I just pray its now and not in the future.
Lord I lay my life down. I've allowed so often these emotions to dictate my daily lives and I realize now its a daily battle. A daily struggle to not fight with jealousy, anger, mistrust and hurt. Lord help me to behave as you would behave. Help to lay it all down truly at your feet. I ask this in your holy name Lord. ~Amen.
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