Feeling Like An Old Lady

Today was my first day back at work since my maternity leave.  I only worked 4 hours and even then didn't have a really full book but by the end of those 4 hours I was just so incredibly exhausted already.  Getting around is not as easy as it use to be.  There is no such thing as walking a straight line anymore just a simple waddle.  Okay more like a penguin style waddle.  I did pull/bruise a muscle on my left side which hurts insanely even just when I take a deep breath.  If I cough, sneeze laugh or even just try to take a deep breath to clear my throat I get a insanely sharp pain where I feel like I'm being stabbed in the side.  My midwife took a look and said there really isn't anything they can do about it just for me to take benadryl, Tylenol and to ice it or use heated compresses whichever gives me more relief.

I can not wait for this beautiful little angel to get here.  I really am crossing my fingers though that he doesn't come early  though.  I really want my Mom to be able to be there.  At the same time I know I will be ready and waiting to welcome him into the world whenever he is ready to come. 

I did find that some clients were already booking for when I come back with my current schedule so I wrote my boss a letter letting them know my hours were going to be changing for after the baby comes.  Though I'm not sure how exactly that is going to take place beyond going down to a very limited part time schedule.  We are going to wait till after maternity leave to play around with the schedule, let Isaac talk with his boss and see what we can work out.  I really don't have any idea how things will pan out since even still the earliest he has ever gotten off/home has been 6pm but a lot of the time even later.  On Friday I had to go and pick him up from work after he worked a 14 hour day and got off at 11pm.  But I am not going to worry about it.  Isaac has been gaining favor with his bosses and I'm going to put my trust that God will pave the way...He always does.  And see where to go from there. 

In other news my mother in law started her chemo.  She has good days and bad days.  But her attitude is an absolute inspiration.  She doesn't know how, if or when she will be able to come up to visit after the baby is born.  So that's one thing we will definitely want to do is make a few trips down there as much as possible with the baby before she starts radiation and can't visit. 

And here are a few more pictures:

Mothers Day: Maternity Photos and Baby shower

I remember this time of year last year.  It was a time of sadness.  A time remembering that I just lost my first pregnancy and that I would not be a mother.  my heart was broken and I felt so very undone.  But my how the tides have turned.  It really brings to light the scripture Psalm 30:11" You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy."  

Lord thank you! Thank you for your victory!  Thank you for your blessings!  Isaac and I are about to enter a new stage in life. A new chapter.  We waited so long for this.  We prayed so hard for this and here we are! 

I look back on my post last year from Mother's Day and can feel the desperation there.  Can remember way too clearly the brokenness I felt every single day.  But Lord you have called us out of that sadness into a chapter full of celebration!  And we praise you Lord!

Speaking of times of celebration yesterday we had my baby shower.  Just a very intimate beautiful shower.  My friend did an amazing job putting it all together!  And my sister did an awesome job taking the pictures that we wanted to take.  After the shower we went to a beautiful park over here and took maternity pictures.   

So I wanted to share some of the pictures:

Maternity Photos:

33 Weeks

Yesterday I hit 33 weeks pregnant.  At the beginning of pregnancy I felt like time was just dragging on oh so slowly.  But now I feel like it's flying by!  I can not believe that in just 4 more weeks I will be full term and little man could technically come any day!  It is such an exciting experience.  I absolutely love it!  I may get tired.  I may have to deal with things that if I weren't pregnant I wouldn't have to deal with such as swollen feet-they have started to swell on a regular basis now, constant exhaustion, waddling instead of being able to walk in a straight line.  But I love every second of it.  I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

So far vacation has actually been super productive.  Not necessarily relaxing.  But that is going to change starting today.  I got everything done that needed to be done: grocery shopping,  house cleaned, errands run, laundry done and then we put together that amazing out door patio set.  Which Is where I am currently writing from.

So tomorrow will be a day of just complete relaxation.  I plan on doing nothing and just reading, watching tv and playing a few computer games I haven't gotten to in a while. 

I do want to share the basket I made for my baby shower hostess.  She loves pink camo so I found these wine glasses: 

http://www.amazon.com/Pink-Camo-Wine-Glasses-Set/dp/B00B0OO5FG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1430866786&sr=8-1&keywords=pink+camo+wine+glasses

And put together a basket with those, a few bottles of wine and some scratch off tickets.

My Mom and Sister will arrive on Thursday!  I can not wait.  I am so ready to see them!  Though I am sad it will only be for four days I keep telling myself they will be back next month.  Wow, next month I will have a baby!  This is incredible!

Thank you Lord for your many blessings!  Thank you for providing for us and pouring out into us like never before.  We are so blessed to be coming upon this next chapter in our lives.  We continue to ask for wisdom, peace and direction in regards to the future.  We also ask that you would help us to be a blessing to all those around us.  We thank you and praise you Lord.  In your holy name.  ~Amen. 

1000 Things

I feel like there are a 1000 things on my mind and in my heart that I want and need to pray for.  But I just don't even know where to start.  I take comfort in the fact that Matthew 6:8 says: ".... for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."  I will start to pray then just feel so very overwhelmed.  Like I don't even know where to go with my prayers.  

Father you see my heart.  You see me overwhelmed and worn.  You see my heart wanting to pour out into others along with myself and my family.  You see how Isaac and I are wanting direction for our lives as we start this new chapter in life.  This amazing beautiful but scary new chapter.  God you are the creator of all things.  You see the future you know where you want us to be.  You know where you have called us to go.  Lord right now I make my requests known to you without a lot of rambling, without a lot or words.  God I ask for direction for Isaac and I.  For wisdom and to be good stewards over what you have given us.  I ask for healing for my Mother in Law who started chemo a few days ago.  I ask for favor for Isaac with his new job.  I ask for peace for my family as we continue to heal with the loss of Nathan.  God I ask that you would guide us just one step at a time.  I ask that you would open the doors for us you want opened and  close the doors you want closed.  God  I ask that you would forgive me for any faults I have: pride, anger, anything that has tried to sneak into my life.  God  I thank you for this amazing day this amazing opportunity you have given to us to go out and love others and to be a blessing to them in any way that we can.  We thank you for it Lord.  ~Amen

Today begins a lovely 9 days off I'm going to have.  I am so incredibly excited for it.  What do I have planned?  Absolutely nothing for the next 5 days!  We got patio furniture yesterday so I plan to just sit out on my back patio read a book and enjoy the birds singing and the bee's flying around.  Sounds so peaceful.  In fact I'm sitting out here right now as I journal this.  Then my family and friends fly/drive into town and will be here till next Monday.  It's going to be so wonderful to see everyone but even just as awesome to celebrate little Ezekiel coming into the world.  I can't believe back in December we started planning this baby shower and now it's finally come to the week of.  Time certainly has flown by.  I'm not having a very big shower.  Less than 20 people.  Just close friends and family and it's going to be just so perfect.  And I'm so grateful that my sister is also going to do maternity photos for us when she gets into town.  And the weather is just absolutely perfect for it all!  So wonderful!

How is pregnancy going?  It's going really well.  I throw up my dinner almost every other day but all in all it's so worth it and not something that is making me frustrated, except when I'm leaning over the toilet.  I have had a crazy amount of discharge: nose mucus, cervical fluid ect; it has expanded exponentially and therefore makes it really hard to keep food down when I cough  because of the drainage then end up gagging myself then end up throwing up.  So I had to start taking some benadryl and Clariton.  They don't work amazingly but they do help at least.  So I will continue with that and hope everything will just get better.  I Know it doesn't help either it is spring time after all so pollen is everywhere.  Yesterday my amazing husband earned himself a gold star by painting my toe nails for me since I can not reach them anymore and they were sooo bad.  That's about all I have to report.  

I'm just really looking forward to this next week off so I can recoup and get ready for the final stretch of the race.  I have to say I can't believe when I go back to work I'll have just 3 weeks before I'll be full term.  I have a ton of friends/acquaintances ect who had to do fertility treatments and it seems that 37-38 weeks is the magical number where all of them are having their babies.  I think that is very interesting since we all did some sort of treatment, most of us had some sort of spotting or bleeding.  It makes me wonder if it correlates at all with stuff.  Either way we want to be prepared and ready at any point in time once I hit 37 weeks.  I have 3 friends on standby who can drive me to the hospital if my water breaks and Isaac isn't home.  Otherwise I'll labor at home until he get's there and can drive me himself.  

So that's pretty much it for today.  I think I'll probably journal a decent amount this week or maybe just one big entry with lots of pictures at the end of vacation...who knows.  I don't really care.  I'm just so excited to rest. 

Today Has been emotional

Today is Nathan's 22nd birthday.  22 and He never made it.  My sister made a beautiful video in honor of him with pictures from the celebration they had yesterday. 

It looked beautiful and I wish so badly I could have been there.  Every time I start to cry I feel Ezekiel begin to move almost like he's trying to comfort me. 


I wish I had more words to say, more joy to spread but I don't not right now.  I know my family told me they would love to talk to me today if I'm off but I just don't want to.  Thankfully without realizing it I booked myself up pretty good today: Midwife appointment this morning, then met a friend for lunch then a few friends are coming over tonight.  It will be nice to have the distraction but its still just so hard.  But day by day.  That's all I really can do.

In other super exciting news my coworker had her baby this afternoon.  She sent me a text with his beautiful picture that said 7 pounds 9 ounces.  Born 12:42 pm  get the epidural.  That part made me laugh.  She knows I'm using hypnobabies to try and go naturally.  Which is going wonderfully I might add.  I love the practice and the studying its just so nice.

I don't have a lot new to report.  I hit 32 weeks today.  So far I've gained a little over 12 pounds.  My midwife said today that my weight gain is excellent.  And that Ezekiel is still measuring right on track and that he seems very happy.  Which makes me happy.  His heartbeat was between 150/160 today.  Tomorrow I go in to get my hemoglobin blood work done then after that I plan to just take the rest of the day to relax and recoup for the rest of the week.  Then starting on Sunday I begin vacation.  Oh how I can not wait to have that week off!  To just be able to relax and spend time with family and friends who will be coming into town for our shower.  It's going to be a small one a little less than 20 including myself with friends and family but it's perfect.  The people I love most dearly in life.

So for now I will take things day by day and try to get through today with a smile.  Taking deep breathes as I go.   

Angel Baby

Part of me wanted to write this post yesterday but the other part of me just wanted to wait.  To allow myself the time and space I needed/wanted.  Yesterday was the due date for the pregnancy we lost back in August.  I have to say I really thought I would have a mental breakdown of some sort.  But I didn't.  I had a lot of peace and tranquility.  As if God put his hand on me and said look at all you have coming, at all I have promised.  That baby, for some reason wasn't meant to be.  And despite it all I believe it still met it's purpose in life.  We had been trying for 2 years exactly never getting a positive pregnancy test.  Our angel renewed our hope that all was not lost.

If I didn't have Ezekiel on the way I know things would be looked at much differently.  Not only is yesterday the angel's due date but tomorrow is Nathan's birthday.  He would have been 22.  Sometimes it still so hard to imagine him gone.  I have so much more peace with his death since he has visited me several times to let me know that he's okay(For those of you just starting to read this blog you can find those stories in older posts).  But the sadness still remains.  I still find myself reaching for my phone to send him a text.  Or have something happen and say Oh my gosh I can't wait to tell Nathan about that. 

So today is the calm between the two storms.  My heart is aching yet tranquil and calm.



Lord thank you for your hand that has rested upon me.  Thank you for your favor and peace always.  I ask that you would help me to delight my way in you.  Let me not slip to the right or to the left.  We praise your name Father.  ~Amen


On the pregnancy front I have now thrown up after dinner 3 times in the last week since sharing of my projectile out of no where vomiting experience.  I must have a little ninja in there who does NOT like to have his space crowed.  If I eat anything bigger than a snack he goes a little crazy churning up the acid in my stomach making me cough/ then gag then up there goes all of my dinner.  Thankfully last night I made it to the bathroom on time.  I felt him moving up a storm started coughing and could just tell it was coming.  I am noticing my drainage tends to get worse after I eat.  I know they said you'd have an increase of mucus but OMG it's insane and just made worse sometimes by trying to talk...which I have to do on a regular basis at work. 

Trust

Trust can sometimes be so much easier said than done.  It sounds like such a simple thing.  Just trust me.  But it goes so much deeper than that.  It goes into the very core of who we are.  Trust means letting go.  It means relinquishing control and letting someone else take the reigns.  Something I've never been very good at.

Trust is so very important.  It can shape the foundations of our lives.  If you don't trust those around you, don't trust yourself then what's the point?

So where am I going with this?  Well I keep hearing that still small voice:  Just trust me.  Trust me to provide.  Trust me to bless.  Trust me to open up doors for you that only I can open.  Just trust me.

Where is this all coming from?  Well as I've shared before I'm a control freak.  I've taken care of myself for a very long time without ever asking for help.  I hate having to ask for help.  Now we have a baby coming someone who will rely on us for everything.  I look at the huge picture....which I knew was coming mind you it's not like this is coming from no where.  But for the first time I'm actually scared to relinquish control and let someone else take care of us.  To let Isaac be the provider.

I sat down and did the math on all the bills, something I've done more times then I can count...and it never changes...never the less I sat down and counted them again did the math on what Isaac makes what we have going out and it's kinda scary.  Don't get me wrong we are so blessed and God provided this job for him right when we needed it but the benefits aren't quite as good and more expensive so with that we are actually bringing in a few hundred dollars less a month then he was making before plus we will have to add Ezekiel to the insurance which will up the bills a little.  As of now I plan on going back to work part time but we aren't even sure how that's going to work since Isaac hasn't been getting home till after 6 pm and I'd have to leave my house by 4:45 in order to even do a evening shift at work and it's not something he can control.  If they have deadlines they have to meet then he has to stay.  The other night he was at work till 9:30 pm.  I ended up getting off work at 9 and driving over to pick him up so he wouldn't have to take the bus.  It's things like this that are out of my control...where I am such a planner that scare me so badly.  But I know God will make it clear to us what we should do.  Like I said before there are a lot of things we have to pray about and just see what doors open up or close.  

Either way Lord I ask that you would help us to trust you.  We heard from Isaac's Mom the cancer is stage 3 breast cancer but thankfully only on the one side.  The doctor said this kind of cancer is curable.  Which hearing that is a huge relief never the less its a very hard road in front of her.  6 Months of Chemo-she gets her chemo pump put in next week- then a full mastectomy, then radiation.  She already is worried about traveling for the baby shower with doing chemo.  So we aren't sure when the baby comes if she will even be able to make the trips up here to visit so that will be on us to go.  Which we don't mind at all, I know they'll want to show that grand baby off anyway.  So that's another thing we are keeping in mind. 

So what's the point of this post?  The point of this post is for complete honesty.  To let you readers see into my life: fears, worries, excitements everything. 

Ezekiel is most definitely getting stronger every day.  Today on my way to work I was stopped in the car and looked down and just saw a huge leg move across my stomach.  It was amazing!

Yesterday I most certainly had a pregnancy brain moment.  I was working on a project on the computer where I was printing three items per page...I was printing several trying to get everything just right so I then took all the ones that that I had just printed and started counting but instead of putting the pages down I counted I continued to put them behind each of the ones I already counted and just kept going till I realized what I was doing and that I was most definitely over what I printed.  I had to laugh at myself.