Angel Baby

Part of me wanted to write this post yesterday but the other part of me just wanted to wait.  To allow myself the time and space I needed/wanted.  Yesterday was the due date for the pregnancy we lost back in August.  I have to say I really thought I would have a mental breakdown of some sort.  But I didn't.  I had a lot of peace and tranquility.  As if God put his hand on me and said look at all you have coming, at all I have promised.  That baby, for some reason wasn't meant to be.  And despite it all I believe it still met it's purpose in life.  We had been trying for 2 years exactly never getting a positive pregnancy test.  Our angel renewed our hope that all was not lost.

If I didn't have Ezekiel on the way I know things would be looked at much differently.  Not only is yesterday the angel's due date but tomorrow is Nathan's birthday.  He would have been 22.  Sometimes it still so hard to imagine him gone.  I have so much more peace with his death since he has visited me several times to let me know that he's okay(For those of you just starting to read this blog you can find those stories in older posts).  But the sadness still remains.  I still find myself reaching for my phone to send him a text.  Or have something happen and say Oh my gosh I can't wait to tell Nathan about that. 

So today is the calm between the two storms.  My heart is aching yet tranquil and calm.



Lord thank you for your hand that has rested upon me.  Thank you for your favor and peace always.  I ask that you would help me to delight my way in you.  Let me not slip to the right or to the left.  We praise your name Father.  ~Amen


On the pregnancy front I have now thrown up after dinner 3 times in the last week since sharing of my projectile out of no where vomiting experience.  I must have a little ninja in there who does NOT like to have his space crowed.  If I eat anything bigger than a snack he goes a little crazy churning up the acid in my stomach making me cough/ then gag then up there goes all of my dinner.  Thankfully last night I made it to the bathroom on time.  I felt him moving up a storm started coughing and could just tell it was coming.  I am noticing my drainage tends to get worse after I eat.  I know they said you'd have an increase of mucus but OMG it's insane and just made worse sometimes by trying to talk...which I have to do on a regular basis at work.