Ezekiel's first laugh

Yes this just happened....

Thought you would appreciate the story of Ezekiel's first laugh Isaac and I came to the nursery together to put Ezekiel to bed well i decide I'm going to nurse him and then put him down so he puts his mouth over my nipple but he isn't doing anything so I look down at him to see what's up and he just gives this huge grin so I start laughing so then he laughs (he had never laughed before tonight) so I start laughing again so then he starts laughing all the while my nipple is still in his mouth. And we just kept going back in forth till Isaac and I were laughing so hard we were crying then he just started looking concerned but all the while he never took his face away from the boob It was hilarious.

2 months old

Yesterday this little guy turned 2 months old!  My how time has flown by.  Being that he turned two months old it was also time for his first round of vaccinations.  He took it like a champ.  He cried as she did it then as soon as I picked him up he stopped.  I did have to give him one dose of tylenol a few hours later as he was fussy and in some discomfort.  Every time he moved his legs he would start crying and even was whimpering in his sleep so after I gave him the tylenol he was like a different baby and just slept all day.  But since he slept all day it also threw his sleep cycle off and he was up at midnight and then stayed up till a little after 3 am.  But he was smiley and happy for me so I didn't mind.  I guess in part that is what netflix is for.  But then he woke up every hour to two hours till finally at 8 am he said enough he wasn't going back to bed and has been fighting sleep till about an hour ago.  But even then the only way I could get him to sleep was put him in the moby wrap and hold him that way.  That's okay I'll take my baby snuggles.

Here he was this morning

All smiles and a happy little camper.  So I guess he's officially feeling better.

This weekend we will be traveling a 6 hour car ride in order to visit his godparents and just to have a little weekend get away.  Hoping he does okay in the car.  It will be our first long trip with him in there and good practice since on Labor day weekend we have another 6 hour drive to visit Isaac's grandfather and let him meet his first great grand child.

So all in all a busy weekend ahead of us.

8 Weeks Old

He is 8 weeks old today and just so stinking cute!  I am so very much in love with him.  And I'm also so thrilled it seems like his red hair is staying.  At least for now.  I always thought to myself I would love to have a little ginger baby but I never bothered to pray for it since I have always had blonde hair and Isaac has brown the only person who has red in their hair that I'm aware of its Isaac's Mom who has strawberry blonde hair.

His personality is coming out more and more.  He loves to look around and observe things.  He has begun to reach out and hit at and occasionally grab at things.  Any time his pacifier(binkie) is in his mouth he grabs onto it and just holds it...sometimes accidentally knocking it out of his mouth.  But he's getting so very big.

I only have just over 3 weeks before I go back to work and just the thought of it makes me so sad.  I thought about working a 8 hour shift without seeing him and got all teary eyed.  I know I'm only going to have one day a week like that but still it breaks my heart.  I told Isaac I feel like he is going to double in size on those days!

But I know I'm just being a little ridiculous.  But love does that to you.  He is definitely going through a growth spurt he has begun sleeping a lot the past few days.  But it's amazing to watch him begin to notice the world around him.  I'm excited to see the rest of the world come to light for him.

Here are a few photos we took today.  I promise before I snapped this selfie he was very happy.  I swear it's like he knew I was trying to get a cute picture of the two of us.

He rolled over!

I decided I needed or wanted a change.  Since giving birth I have had my hair down from a pony tail  a total 3 times for maybe an hour or two each time.  So why not cut it all off and go back to my funky fun colors(being a hair dresser for the past year that's all I was doing until March of this year)  So I took the plunge here is the before and after on the cut then below you'll see I bleached it out and plan on putting lots of fun bright colors in there eventually. 

Before: 

After:

And the color:

My little man, all smiles just melts my heart!  I am so very much in love.  Today we hit a mile stone!  He rolled over for the first time on purpose.  To make sure it wasn't a fluke I kept putting him on his stomach(it was supposed to be tummy time) which he hates and he kept rolling himself over.  I got a video of it:

He has also begun pushing himself up with his feet/legs then holding himself up for a while.  Its amazing how strong he is!  Not even two months old and doing so much.  Time just goes by way too fast!

Cry of My Heart

"In You O Lord I have taken refuge, let me never be put to shame.  Deliver me in your righteousness.  Turn your ear to me come quickly to my rescue be my rock of refuge a strong fortress to save me.  Since you are my rock and my fortress for the sake of your name lead and guide me.  Free me from the trap that is set for me.  For you are my refuge into your hands I commit my spirit. Redeem me o lord the god of truth.  I hate those who cling to worthless idols;   I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your Love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."  Psalm 31:1-8

Turn your ear to me come quickly to my rescue be my rock of refuge a strong fortress to save me.   

I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your Love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul

This scripture really spoke to me this morning.  It's been really hard actually within the past year for me to enter into worship.  I'll have my moments where I can lay down the distractions and focus on what I should.  But I feel like really it is few and far between.  Mainly it was during emotional Highs I was able to get into the mood of prayer.  During the low's I've just felt so drained of energy not even sure how to enter in.  And then of course lately I've just been distracted with the baby and sleep deprived.  So any free time I have I have wanted to focus on sleep or trying to maintain the house a little bit.

But the work will still be there in a few hours.  The house will get dirty again, but my spirit is suffering.  I miss the times where I would put on worship music and pray for hours.  I miss the times where I would immediately feel the spirit of God come and rest upon me with his peace.  But as much as I miss these things I know that it's still there.  God has never left.  I may feel emotionally drained, or physically tired but through it all God is there.  I may not see him as openly as you can sometimes but I know that He is indeed there. 

Isaiah 55:6-13  "Seek the Lord while he may be found.  Call upon Him while He is near.  Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts let him return to the Lord and He will have mercy on Him and to our God for He will abundantly pardon.  For my Thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your ways.  And my thoughts than your thoughts.  For as the rain comes down and the snow from heaven and do not return there but water the earth and make it bring forth and bud that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater so shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth it shall not return to me void but it shall accomplish what I please and it shall prosper in the things for which I sent it.  For you shall go out with joy and be led out with peace.  The mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, all the trees of the field shall clap their hands Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree, and it shall be to the Lord for a name for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off." 


He sees my heart He sees everything that is coming into my mind.  He sees my deepest desires.  Currently I feel my deepest desire is to get back on track.  I want to radiate His glory.  I want people to look at me and see my Love for the Lord.  Even in trials I want to be able to be a light to those that are suffering.  I feel like I just kind of gave up.  Not on my beliefs or my values but on seeking after Him.   I've been tired, weary and worn down and just all around over it.   But that's okay.  Thankfully I serve a God that is bigger than my emotions.  That is bigger than any problem as it tries to come against me.   He is always there in the good and the bad.  His peace rests upon me no matter where I go. 

Heavenly Father you see my heart and my desire towards you to grow closer.  To put you first in all I do.  God I want our family to be where you want us to be.  You said:
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  Matthew 6:33
 God this is my desire.  I want to seek you first.  Seek you first above our finances, above our jobs, above even our own relationships so that we can then have a relationship founded on you.  God I ask that you would give me a hunger and thirst for you and help me Lord to make the time to seek first your kingdom.  God I have so many dreams so many things I know you have called us to be and do so I just ask for your guidance and your wisdom Lord.  Jesus I just pray that you would open the doors you want open Lord and close those that you want shut.  God I thank you for the amazing gift of Ezekiel that you have given to us.  God there is no greater gift then to have a child and to raise him up knowing you.  Let Isaac and I be examples of that.  Let us be examples of your Love and of how if we seek after you that you always answer.  Lord I ask that you would guard our hearts against all evil and temptations.  I pray that you would help us to have peace about the path's you call us to walk on. I want to know you.  I want to reach out to loved ones, friends, co workers.  I want to be a beacon of hope for your love.  And your love unconditionally.  You do see race, color, sexuality.  You love us all and desire all of us to know you.  So I ask that you would help me to be the instrument where people can feel your unconditional love.  No matter where they have been or where they are going.  Let me be a beacon that brings joy and light to them during the journey.  I thank you Lord.  ~Amen

7 weeks

Time is going by way too fast.  Today this little guy was all smiles and joy  7 weeks and 1 day old:

He definitely had me laughing today.  He was making the goofiest faces and just all around was a ham.

He was in an extremely good mood all day.  He didn't cry at all or fuss.  I think in part because he actually slept last night and had a pretty great nap this afternoon too.  He definitely is getting bigger he has only been eating ever 2.5-3 hours now and when he does eat sometimes it for 15 minutes other times for 30 either way he's growing and its amazing to watch him grow.  He did about 15 minutes on the activity mat today before he started fussing and he really was into what he was doing.  It's so fun to watch him learn how to explore and see the world beyond.  But time is going by way too fast.  I can't believe only one more month left off with him.  I know that sounds like Oh well you still have a month but it flies by way too fast.  I'm so happy to have that time but wish it would slow down a little too.  But before I know it he will be crawling, then walking, then talking!  Oh my goodness. 

As to how I'm feeling.  Better.  I think I have a lot to work on emotionally when it comes to Nathan but I'm ready.  I also think there might be some deeper seeded things that need to come to light and be healed when it comes to my relationship with my biological mom as well. 

So I'm excited to see where these things go and where it takes me.  I want healing and restoration in my heart and mind and I know it will come.  One way or another.

I looked at my wonder weeks app today and saw Ezekiel has a week before he goes through his next leep.  Hoping it's not a rough one.  But I'll snuggle him up and make him feel as safe as I possibly can. 

Therapy

I had my first therapy session today.  We didn't talk about much.  I gave her my family history and told her why I was there.  She said she will take the first few sessions just getting to know me, my background ect; and then we will continue with coping ect; and to start I will do every week(minus next week since she is on vacation).  We seemed to mesh pretty good.  She asked questions and made statements that proved her to be very knowledgeable.  And she even mentioned the survivors of suicide support group and some of what they feel.

She did mention a grief group she though I might want to try out but I explained that being an empathic I will suck up all the grief around me and wont really be able to heal or focus on my own healing.  When I talk to someone in pain I immediately want to help them and yet at the same time I succumb to their emotions and hardships as well.

So I really hope this helps.  Already I've been thinking well what comes next.  She knows what happened but she can't change anything so what is the point of going ect;  But I know I can't think like that.  I know I have to press on and move forward.  I know that I can't just not deal with this.  Not deal with the anger, the sadness and the guilt.


On August 29th I'll be getting a tattoo in honor of him.  He took this picture of his eye:

And he drew a picture of a tree covered in fireflies so I will be doing this with the silote of a tree in the pupil covered in fireflies with the fire flies coming up out of the eye to represent him no longer being with us.  I'm very ready.

Today has been a little rough, I am just emotional, sleep deprived and overall just ready for some relaxation.  So Isaac just got home I gave the baby a bath and have handed him over so I can do this entry then I'm going to go take a nap.  I feel just so sleep deprived I am so ready for some rest.

I have a lot more I want to say but I think I need to go take a nap first.