The Frailness of Faith

The frailness of faith amazes me sometimes.  Time and time again God has proven himself faithful.  He has proven himself to be a provider.  To open up every door that we need open.  But in my mind if I allow those what if's to begin to sink in suddenly I can feel overwhelmed. 

I have such a big control problem.  I understand there is a difference between trying to be smart and plan the best possible way I can with our finances but with maternity leave encroaching and me not going to be bringing in any money I began to freak out a little.  I began trying to think of any way I could possibly save more money before the leave.  Began thinking of all the bills, how much a baby will cost: diapers, ect everything and just began getting overwhelmed till I realized....why am I doing this?  God just in the past month not only provided Isaac with a job right when we needed it but allowed us to come out on top with the entire situation not just in our personal relationships but in every way.   God is a provider.  He is the one who opens up all doors he wants opened period.  Its just so easy to get overwhelmed looking at the unknown but that's what can make life exciting!  It gives my God another opportunity to prove himself. 


So on a personal note(TMI WARNING):

I got home from work and was so tired and emotional and moody and Isaac decided to make a joke about maybe I need to get laid and I got frustrated because that was the last thing I want.  I had already been having braxton hicks for hours today and I told him no last time we had sex and I Orgasm ed i had contractions(braxton hicks) for almost 8 hours straight after.  And no I was exaggerating.  I then turn around and look at him and he just looks so disappointed/downcast.  Not necessarily for himself but just the fact he couldn't cheer me up.  And he asked me how I'm feeling(boy that's a loaded question for a pregnant woman) and I start bawling.

Him wanting to know whats wrong.  Because I feel like such a failure though I know I'm not, I know I'm being ridiculous but in the 6 years we've been married I always have strived to give 100% and now I still try but that 100% just isn't the same as it used to be.  Part of this is just in the housekeeping side of things where I have no energy to clean the house and I can't do a lot of the chores/things I used to be able to do.  Then in the physical where since we have been married I always believed as a wife one of the best things for our marriage I could do was make sure my husband is always sexually satisfied.  A happy healthy man in that area has no reason or want to look anywhere else.  Now I know Isaac wouldn't ever look anywhere else but I never even wanted the opportunity for temptations to come.  So in our entire almost 6 years of marriage even when I wasn't in the mood, I was tired or worn down I have maybe turned him down for sex 5 times but now I'm so uncomfortable I have zero desire for it.  I have no energy to even help him in other ways.  As I'm crying and telling him all this of course he is amazing.  He comes over and holds me and tells me that I am perfect and our relationship is perfect.  I continue to cry as he tells me that he doesn't mind picking up/helping with the chores and that its something he should have done since the beginning and just over all was very supportive and awesome.  I know I am being ridiculous but I can't help the way I feel.  I have always worked so hard and always accomplished so much every day feeling so accomplished.  Now I feel lucky if I can come home from work and cook dinner.  And I know it's just not going to get any easier.  But I just need to let myself rest and let myself feel. 

I've finally accepted the fact I need to sit down more at work if I can and the bending over to pick something up just makes me laugh now.  I have definitely gotten to the point where if I drop something I'll stare at it for several seconds to a minute weighing how bad is it really if I don't pick it up or bend over.  Sad but funny.

I had another coughing to throw up again today.  And again out of no where.  I was fine then got in the shower I guess the steam made me feel like I need to cough and I threw up part of my dinner.  I'm guessing I just need to try and eat really small meals now especially since allergy season is upon us. 

So that's it for tonight readers.  Tomorrow we will be celebrating Isaac's birthday that was this past week.  I"m excited to spend some good quality one on one time with him.