Part 2

How is motherhood treating me?  That seems a little bit like a loaded question.  I am so in love with this little man.  But still feel so nervous about every little thing.  If he makes a sound I don't recognize my mind will immediately race to what could be wrong?  Is this normal ect;  Let me tell you NEVER google the problem.  Most of the time you'll see something that says its normal but then you keep digging and everything can always be a sign or symptom of something else.  Constantly worrying.  But I keep repeating to myself that not everything is a sign of something going wrong. 

I have officially turned my new work schedule in to work.  I will only be working about 14 hours a week and when I'm not with Ezekiel Isaac will be watching him.  This is working out perfect.  It's enough hours a week where I will get to use the creative outlet that I need to fulfill along with some adult interaction.

Nursing is going really well and he is gaining weight wonderfully.  I do have an over supply though where if he goes longer than a four hours of not eating I will beyond leak- I will get hard very painful breasts and fill the nursing pads so much that I leak through them onto my shirt.  I told work that on my longer shift day-my 8 hour shift I need a 15 minute break put on my book in order to make sure i can pump enough to get some relief.  Just as an example here is what I got after just 10 minutes of pumping after Ezekiel was done eating:

I do have to say though I would rather have too much then not enough.  I already have 145 ounces frozen which is good just in case my supply begins to diminish I want to make sure I have a nice stock pile.  Haven't decided yet if when I go back if I will give that to Ezekiel or just pump fresh and use the frozen as needed since it is good for a year in the freezer.  Either way I have more than enough time to figure it out.

Sleep seems a thing of the past.  I get 3/4 hours and feel like I slept 12.  It's amazing how your body learns to function and adjusts.  So all in all I think I am doing pretty well with the post pardum department.  I have had two panic attacks the past few days though.  They kind of came out of no where and both when I was sleeping.  One was due to a dream where in the dream I was having an issue at work, over something stupid and I woke up having a legit freak out of what if it does happen and turns into a problem.  It was so bad I text one of my managers who assured me it wouldn't be an issue.  Then the other was I had just gotten Ezekiel down to bed so I tried to go to bed and as I was laying there I wasn't able to fall asleep so I started getting worked up over the idea that once I finally fell asleep he would wake me up just a few minutes later...this did not make it any easier to be able to fall back asleep.  I never want to make Isaac get up during the week to help with feedings because he already has to get up at 6:30 in the morning, but on Friday evenings after I go to bed he automatically gets the first feeding when Ezekiel wakes up.  But even if Ezekiel sleeps a decent stretch I still wake up with rock hard breasts that are leaking and about to explode so I have to get up and pump.  Its helped a little emptying myself completely before I head to bed I can sometimes go 5 hours that way.

 I also finally got up the courage to leave the house for longer than a 2 hour period and went to lunch with a friend and then did my first ever breast feeding in public.  I had to snap a picture for the memory.  And so I believe this will complete my entry for the day though I feel I could go on and on.  Especially since my mind has been going all sorts of places in regards to looking back on our journey so long ago and to where we are now. So here are some pictures for cuteness:

Part 1

It has been way too long since I've been able to get on here and write to you readers.  Not for lack of desire.  Ezekiel has been going through his first leep for a little over a week now and has not allowed me to put him down AT ALL during the day without screaming bloody murder.  He just wants to be held and cuddled and honestly I will take all the cuddles I can get before he's so big.  He also during this time had been eating every hour and a half for about 20-30 min so definitely a nice growth spurt.  I weighed him yesterday and he is almost 10 pounds!  My little chunkster.

So the past couple weeks have been a little challenging.  Just feeling like I can't get things accomplished that I need to since this little man during the day will fight sleep as much as he possibly can.  Here is a picture I took a few days ago with him fighting his nap so bad...the actual nap lasted about 5 minutes.

He kept slowly closing then popping his eyes open.  Currently he is laying in his crib sleeping and this is a miracle.  He's been asleep now for 17 minutes and yes I'm counting! During the day the past week and a half I haven't been able to have him out of my arms for longer than 5 minutes before crying starts.  Therefor, I believe we may be coming to the end of the leap the past couple nights he actually slept pretty well with a 6, a 5 and a 4 hour stretch....though I hope that number doesn't continue to dwindle.  But that makes this the first me time I have had at all in the past several weeks.  So I immediately wanted to jump on here and try and catch you all up.

I had my own 6 week check up yesterday and everything looked great and healed and I got released to resume my normal activities.  So I hope to start running again very soon.  Isaac and I took the plunge and had sex, though I must admit my sex drive is NONE especially due to being tired all the time but it's more a hormonal thing.  I got my 6 week email about the baby it of course it mentioned you may soon be released to have sex but if you aren't in the mood don't worry its normal most women don't get their sex drive back for months especially if they are breast feeding due to hormones.  But Isaac was very good about not making me feel like I have to do it since we are released but I decided to go ahead and "get it over with"  so we took the plunge and it was actually very nice.  A little uncomfortable but nice. 

That being said little man has woken up..that lasted 26 minutes...hey its a start I suppose.  He has heat rash so we are trying to keep him inside and as cool as possible its just been so hot here.  I'll try to get on later and post a little more since I do have a lot I want to say. 

Here is his 6 week photo we took yesterday:

I am so grateful!

Last night Ezekiel slept for a 5 hour stretch then followed by a 2 hour stretch.  I needed this so bad.  For the past several days he has only been sleeping 1-2 hour stretches.  It was HEAVENLY!

That being said though I need to give a shout out to my amazing husband.  Isaac has been such a huge help in this tough time of sleep deprivation.  As soon as he gets home from work he would take Ezekiel, normally as he was screaming and tell me to take an hour or two to go lay down or get done whatever I need to get done.  So incredibly grateful for that. 

I can't believe it's been over a month since little man came into the world.  Every day I fall more and more in love.  I am so excited to have him.

Yesterday I took him and walked downtown to go meet Isaac for lunch and it was so nice to actually feel and look human again.  Since being on maternity leave I've only worn something other than yoga pants about 3 times so I took the time did my hair, makeup and dressed up a little bit.  We only went to subway but it was still so nice to get out of the house. 

Here is a picture of me walking with him to meet Isaac.

4 Weeks Old

I can not believe how time already is flying.  Every day Ezekiel gets more alert and captures my heart just a little more.  I look back on the past four weeks and just see a huge difference in him.

Here he is at 5 days old:

And here he is today:  Looking at the mobile and so intrigued with it.

I love him so much.  I have to say though, I am so exhausted.  He must be going through a growth spurt or something because he almost constantly cries if he is not in my arms.  Even in the picture above I turned on the mobile had enough time to snap a picture before he started screaming.  No one else will do it has to be Mommy.  Which as flattering as that is it's hard to do what I need to do.  But I will try my hardest to cherish all of these cuddles since I know eventually he will be so big he won't want to cuddle.

I'm sure you can tell I'm tired.  But he is so very worth it.  Today as I was snuggling with him and he was gazing into my eyes I began to just talk to him and tell him all we went through to try and bring him into the world.  I look back on that journey and it seems such a whirl.  That heart ache, the suffering so worth it.  Though I would not wish it on any one and my heart breaks for those who are struggling.

Jesus thank you!  I can shout it from the roof tops the victory you have given to us!  I can shout it from the mountains how lucky and blessed we are!  You brought us the most precious gift we could ever be given and we are so blessed because of it!  Thank you Lord!  God help us to raise this little on in the way you desire for us to!  Let us teach him to make his own decisions and discoveries.  We thank you Lord that your hand of protection be upon him.  We thank you Lord!  ~Amen

Nothing Is Beyond Him

God heard the turmoil in my heart and it seems he may have answered my prayers in a way that I really feel is beyond what I imagined.  I know a few posts ago I actually said out loud something I have been struggling with for months.  The decision on going back to work.  Since I was a little girl I always pictured myself as being a stay at home Mom to 5+ children.  Loving on them caring for them.  Cleaning the house and making it perfect for my husband when he comes home from a long day at work.  It's just something I always though was meant for me.

But then I was blessed with this most amazing gift anyone could ever receive and it looked  like that wasn't an option for us and it tore me apart.  But then Isaac got laid off and then it looked like I had no other option then to be a stay at home Mom and again I felt torn.  I love my job so much and I love my clients, my coworkers.  How could I just completely walk away from that.

So over the past several months lots and lots of prayer has been involved.  Not just in the realm of if I want to continue on my career or not but due to family remaining a priority.  To me there is no other option.  Family must always come first no matter what.

And so Isaac and I talked over and over again and each time he gave me the same answer that he would support me in whatever decision I decided to make.  But then he had gotten laid off and started this job where it did not look like staying at home was even an option and again I was torn.  So again we prayed....we prayed that God would open the doors that need opened and close the doors that need closed. 

Yesterday on my walk around the neighborhood I had worship music playing and just continued to pour my heart out to God about this decision and how hard it is.  God spoke to my spirit That He would let me know the right path to take.  And that beyond a shadow of a doubt I would know which direction and decision I should make.

Well today Isaac's boss and hr department approved the exact schedule I would need to go back to work.  This is something we were not expecting.  But I feel this may be God's way of letting me know what I should do and I just have so much peace that I will make the right decision.  I was reminded of the scripture Psalm 37:23  "The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

When I spoke to Isaac about it this evening he seemed really nervous with me going back to work.  Despite him wanting to support me he is nervous about being with the baby by himself on a regular basis.  He said he feels like it's going to be really hard and that he has a lot to learn.  I told him that we still have a few months to get him comfortable and that at that point Ezekiel will be older too and a little easier to take care of because he'll be a little older/less clingy.  So now I will just continue to pray for peace for both of us if this is indeed the path we are going to take and then we just have wait and see about which weekdays I will be working and then turn my schedule into work.

Motherhood Is Sexy

Since giving birth three weeks ago Isaac has constantly been telling me how beautiful and sexy I look.  How much he loves and appreciates me.  Don't get me wrong I've heard this from him before I had a baby but now it's with renewed vigor and at least once a day.  My normal response is to laugh and tell him whatever, or make a comment on no this is not sexy, pointing to myself.  But today I had a revelation.  We were in the kitchen he was making breakfast and I just finished nursing Ezekiel but while nursing him on the one side the other side started it's let down(leaking) so I had both sides of my shirt soaking wet with breast milk.  My hair was a disheveled mess from being in a ponytail over night while wet, I was in old yoga pants and all around just looked like I belong on a website featuring people who shouldn't be out in public.  But today I had a revelation.  Isaac came up to me after cooking breakfast, took me in his arms in a big embrace, despite me warning him that my breasts just leaked and I'll probably get him wet, he kissed my forehead and told me how incredibly beautiful I look today.  I laughed at him and said one of my mocking responses about This not being sexy and I saw something flash in his eyes.  A hurt that I didn't believe him as he reiterated again how beautiful I was right then at that very moment.  And with that look in his eyes I realized:  Motherhood is Sexy.  

When you are running on two to four hours of sleep, boob's leaking all over your shirt, covered in spit up, hair in the likeness of a lion's mane, no make up and just all around a disheveled mess.  My husband still finds me beautiful.  And you mama's out there: You are beautiful and sexy.  There is nothing more attractive to a man than to see the love of his life taking care of the most precious gift he has ever been given.  His heart melt's at every kiss, every diaper change.  Every time you get up in the middle of the night to respond to that little cry his heart rests in peace knowing that precious gift is being taken care of and you become evn that much more attractive to him.

  Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.  The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

So even when I'm feeling run down and worn out I am beautiful and sexy.  Even when I am covered in breast milk and spit up I am beautiful.  Despite how you feel right now at this very moment know that you are beautiful.  And I feel this works and stands true for everyone whether you are with your fiance, life partner, married or even a single mother struggling to learn how to do things yourself, even if you are married with older children.  Motherhood is Sexy and you are Irresistible.  So from here on out I will try to make the response a thank you and a smile.  Not a laugh in his face type situation.  

Cry Of My Heart

This blog entry is strictly going to be me allowing the cries of my heart to come out.  A prayer from the deepest depths.  I have worship music on and just want to enter in.

My Jesus, My precious Father, Holy One, My king.  You have brought us victory from so long ago.  So many years ago, 10 long years ago actually you spoke to me that I would one day have a son and his name would be Ezekiel.  Even now you whisper to me in the night about your favor and hand of protection upon him.  Lord I thank you for your hand upon my little one.  God We want to train him up in the way he should go.  We want to be witnesses on how he can have a deep personal relationship with you from the beginning.  God let your favor rest upon him.  Let your hand be upon him.  I come against the generational curses that plague my family.  I come against depression, addiction, suicidal tendencies, bi polar disorder, cancer, heart disease, molestation, rage, allergies; everything God that has made a way into our families.  I thank you that we are no longer under that old covenant.  We are founded and made new by you.  Your hand has been upon me from a young age protecting my innocence I ask for the same with Ezekiel.  I ask for your hand to be upon him.

God my heart is heavy with the decisions that must be made.  The main one being the decision on going back to work or not.  God I have never trusted someone else with my own provision so there is that fear of loosing control.  Of not being the one to bring in money and provision.  But was I ever the one to really bring in the provision?  You provided for me for us from the very beginning.  God even when we first got married there is no way I should have been able to pay all our bills myself but I did.  Because you gave us the money to do so.  So Lord I ask right now that you would.  God I don't want to make the decision based on what I want.  I want to do what is best for our family.  I want to do what will be best for my son.  My son.  God that sounds so beautiful.  It brings tears to my eyes.  It's scary even just writing this out.  To put in on paper for the world to see what I am considering.  God I ask that you would let Isaac and I know what you desire of us.  That you would show us where you want us to go and open the doors that you have for us and close those that you want closed.  God I lay it all down at your feet.  I just ask that you would show Isaac and I both separately for sure what you want us to do and then open the door into that direction.

God I look back on this journey.  This journey that has almost been 3 years in the making and just feel so blessed.  God you brought us out of darkness into the light.  You brought us victory.  You brought us our son.  Now Lord we ask that you would equip us in the best possible way to be able to raise him up how you want us to.     Help me to be the wife that Isaac needs to support him in his career and on his path.  Help me to be nurturing, uplifting and positive in all things.  

You know my deepest thoughts, my deepest desires even before I can articulate them enough to know what they are myself.  So Lord I come before you and ask for you to bring it out.  Bring it out show us where to go with it.  When I sit and try to weigh the pro's and con's of decisions to come my mind races so much that I can't seem to think clearly.  So Lord I give it to you.  I give you the decision.  I give you everything.  I just ask for guidance and direction.  Open the doors you want open and close those you want closed.  Let us cherish every minute that we can to the very maximum possible.  We praise you for that Lord.  ~Amen.  

First Night in the Nursery

So we decided last night to let Isaac try and give Ezekiel his first bottle.  And he took it like a champ. 

We also decided to try the nursery for the first time since Isaac is back at work and was being woken up every time I had to get up to feed Ezekiel.   And it went wonderful!  The nursery is a lot cooler so  I think with him being swaddled it was just a perfect temperature for him and he slept for 5 hours straight, and was still in a deep sleep I had to wake him up to feed him since I didn't want him going too long without eating.  Then he slept for another two two hour stretches.

So I believe we found his nighttime routine.  Bottle from Daddy at one of the evening feedings and at the last feeding whether breast feeding or bottle, then lotion, swaddled, rocked and put to sleep.  Let's hope this continues to work.

I can't believe he will be 3 weeks old tomorrow!  He's such a little adult.  I love my snuggles. 

First Day Home Alone

Today Isaac returned to work and my Mom has been out of town for the weekend and will be getting back in tonight.  We started out with a cranky little man who was having gas trouble.  But after giving him some gas drops he was able to clear his system and calmed down.  We had a pretty rough night last night waking up almost every 2 hours being fussy but we made it through the night.  We are ready and waiting for Daddy to get home.  Sorry my mind is all over the place so this post is on the random side. 

Optimus, our boxer, is such a good protector always wanting to be there for him:

I also attempted to clip his nails for the first time and it went really well.  He was sound asleep at the time and I was able to just slowly go little by little and get them.  Though I was really nervous the whole time.

My milk supply has evened out now I'm attempting to slowly get a little more by pumping after almost every feeding and allowing my body to slowly be told to make more.  Though in the beginning I was way overfull.  So I also bought the ingredients I need to make lactation cookies and will slowly work to build up my supply. 

Time is Flying By

I can't believe my little one is already two weeks old!  Time just needs to slow down!  I can't believe how fast the days seem to go by.  Especially when all I do is nurse him, sleep and eat.  At least that's what it feels like.

My Mom has been here since he has been born and has been such a huge help.  My sister was also here for a week and left yesterday.  It was so nice visiting with them but also allowing someone else to help me.  I didn't know if I would be able to but when this little guy takes up every waking hour there isn't much choice.

Recovery for me is going well.  I actually had my 2 week post partum visit a few days ago and everything is healing beautifully.  I did however develop a strep b uti so I'm currently on antibiotics for that.  And my bladder keeps having painful cramping, the midwife believes its due to the placenta extraction I had to have she thinks it might have bruised my bladder a little bit.

But otherwise things are going really well.  Just taking things one day at a time trying to let myself rest as much as I need to...which is hard since I also see things that need to be done, but my Mom has been amazing at helping with all of that stuff.

So that being said here is my little man..he is growing up so fast: