An end to 2014

Today is just very hard for me.  As much as I have to be grateful for this year I feel like I lost so much.  I will never again be able to pick up the phone and tell my brother I love him.  I have friends who have also lost loved ones and little ones.  I look back at 2014....so glad to leave it behind.  This year has been one full of hardships, stress and aggravation. 

Of course we have had our victories as well, and God has finally brought us into the next chapter, but boy it was so very hard getting here.

I don't know what it is about today that is making it so hard for me emotionally.  I just kind of feel at a loss for words....normally on this day of the year I scream out my blessings and shout from the roof tops how happy I am how how great everything has been.  But this year I don't think I can do that....this year all I want to do is show it my middle finger and say suck on this!

I know His ways are higher than ours.....I know that good will come out of EVERY evil situation that has come about this past year.  Not just in my own life but in my friends and family who are hurting as well. 

God I'm not even sure what to say right now.  My heart just feels so heavy.  Its as if the weight of all the stress of this past year is resting on my shoulders and as I'm about to let it go and step into the next chapter I realize just how draining its been.  Almost like a marathon runner I kept running and running without really realizing just how tired I am. 

I think another thing is this pregnancy is getting me to slow down and really realize that I can not do it all, and that is okay.  But it just isn't me.  I'm so used to keeping everything together: finances, house, groceries, work everything.  Giving 100% everywhere I go but now I just feel so drained and so tired.  And I know I need to listen to my body.  But as I don't feel as accomplished in other areas and I feel like a failure.  I know in part its because I'm a perfectionist but I'm just over it.  I just want to sit down and do nothing all the time.  I guess maybe it's my priorities are changing, I'm really not sure. 

God in this next year I want to run after you ever harder.  I want to seek after you 100%  I want to know before this child even comes how I can raise it the way you would want us to.  Lord I thank you for the blessings you have given us in 2014.  I thank you that my husband and I have grown closer.  We've learned that we truly can accomplish anything together.  I've realized how family must always come first, despite what sacrifices must come with that.  I have loved, I have lost but I am still whole.  I am still complete.  My life has meaning and purpose and I ask for you to help me to focus on those things.  Lord I ask for my friendships to deepen and be founded in you.  I ask that you would help me to look through every situation with your eyes and your understanding.  I ask that you would help me to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister and friend that you would have me to be.  In your righteous name.  ~Amen

I encourage anyone who has dealt with stress or hardships in 2014 to listen to the song below.  Its beautiful!