The first dream:
Me and all my siblings and my parents traveled back in time to when my brother Nathan first moved in with his friends in Colorado. We went to try and see if we could talk him into making different life choices that would sway him into a different direction then the suicide that ended his life. Nothing we said could change his mind. He believed that even his mistakes where something that we could learn from. So we decided to stay as long as we could just to get some extra time with him. He was doing very well. He was happy and independent. He cared so much for everyone else. Us looking at him and knowing that no matter what we said it wasn't going to sway him into another direction with his life. So we just got as many hugs and kisses as we could over those few days we were there. I could feel his arms around me. I could here is voice, his laughter and his goofy way of annoying me. It was as if I was in the room with him. As much as it saddens me to remember I am so glad for this dream. It was exactly as if I was with my brother one last time. Only this time I got to say goodbye. I know he is gone physically from this world. But spiritually he roams the earth looking for new adventures every day. Worshiping at the feet of Jesus knowing that His grace is sufficient for him. It was amazing seeing you again last night Nathan. Please feel free to visit my dreams as often as you like. I love you!
Second dream(the nightmare):
Isaac and I decided to have a romantic evening that ended catastrophically. We went to have sex and I immediately started bleeding. Only this time the baby came out. It was only the size of a little kidney bean but there it was arms legs little head everything. I held it in my hand in utter horror not understanding how we could have lost our little one. All the sudden I started bleeding. I was bleeding so heavy it was as if someone turned on the bathtub faucet. The blood was so intense along with the pressure that I started vomiting as well. I knew we had lost our baby. It was too late. Nothing could be done. I woke up and almost threw up right there in bed. It took me a second to realize that it was just a dream. It was so real. It had looked like a murder scene blood everywhere, my little baby in my hand, me in utter shock. Needless to say I'll be praying to never have dreams like that again.
God despite what the world tries to throw at us I know that you are indeed in control of everything. You proved your faithfulness over and over again. This wasn't the journey I ever expected for us. But it's the one your brought us and in bringing that you also brought victory. You brought Isaac and I closer together. You proved to us that Your ways really are higher.
Isaiah 55:6-13
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
Today I hit 11 weeks. Two more weeks and we will be in the second trimester. Oh I am just so ready to be there. Lately it is as if every fat cell just rearranged itself to my stomach. Which let's be honest I love. I love having a baby looking bump even thought I know it isn't baby yet. I have to admit though the maternity clothes really make it look more bump less fat.
I was wondering why I started showing the bump so soon then I thought about it, they told me I have a tilted uterus so I wonder if that makes everything shift a little more thus pushing things outwards. Either way I'm so okay with it...though now I officially only fit my maternity pants, which I own a whopping one pair. My goal today is to get my empty plastic clothes bin that is downstairs and fold up all the clothes I currently don't fit into. No reason to have them taking up space. Then we are going to go and get me some more maternity pants.
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