Today was a very hard emotional day. I just felt myself slowly breaking down emotionally. Yesterday I heard back from the Dr I had only 1 follicle and it was half as big as they wanted it to be. She believes there is a chance it could grow to the appropriate size in 5 days so she is going to have me trigger on July 4th and then time intercourse. The lovely but not so lovely situation is that
1) I wont be able to know for sure if the egg fully developed before we trigger or not
2) Isaac's family will be in town with us to celebrate the 4th when we have to time intercourse. **Awkward**
But I just feel so broken. This was something that was suppose to work. This was suppose to give me a chance to actually get pregnant without guesswork. But now we are flying blind. I don't know if it will work or not.
I got home from a 11 hour shift at work today and just broke down. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of always keeping a smile on my face pretending I'm okay with where things are going. I'm tired of feeling broken and useless. At work two girls I work with were talking about what they would do if they found out they were pregnant and how much they would hate to be pregnant ect; I understand they are at a different stage in life but hearing them talk about how horrible it would be the thought I would give anything to be at that place right now kept coming into my mind. Then about an hour later I started getting a headache and a coworker asked if I was pregnant and she said it as a joke. She then said if I want to get pregnant just have sex every day and it will happen. It just made me so aggravated. When I got home I walked in the door put on some worship music and just couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
It should be that easy. I should be able to just have sex at the right time and 9 months later hold the most precious gift in the world in my arms. I shouldn't be broken. I can't do what God intended for us to do. Isaac came upstairs and just held me as I cried. I feel like my emotions and thoughts are going all over the place but in reality I just feel broken. I know that God is bigger than any situation that would come my way. I know if it does happen this cycle it will just make it more of a miracle. I just have a hard time having faith right now. But I know that where I lack faith He is Faithful. Where I lack strength He is strong. He set the world into motion and He made it all form in his way.
All I can pray is that this little follicle will grow into our baby. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
I just pray that this is the case that God will bring everything into motion He desires for us. I want peace and I want understanding. I want to not be broken. Good thing I serve a God of miracles.
Reading this was like reading the rollercoaster of emotions I experience as well. Especially in my struggle with my faith during all of this.
ReplyDeleteIt really is a roller coaster. When we struggle with this journey it can be a great day until something sets off the emotions.... we see a child playing on the front lawn laughing and having fun and everything can just begin to spiral downward.
DeletePeople just do not understand who have not been through it themselves. I keep reminding myself that Faith is believing and knowing that something will happen even though every fact or truth points to the opposite. It doesn't make it easy. And it's okay to feel lack of faith, to feel anger to feel grief. But it's what we let it do to our actions daily that will show either victory or defeat.
Jesus begged in pleaded in the garden that if at all possible that there was another way for redemption to let it happen. He was so anxious and afraid he sweat blood....but He got up and went through it anyway.
I think part of our victory no matter which way this goes will be in admitting our emotions...no matter how dark or ugly they feel.