This wouldn't be a heart felt and honest journey to motherhood if I only wrote on the good days. Today was a very rough emotional day for me. I think it was just all piled up with emotions from Thanksgiving. Not being with my family and being the first holiday not being able to talk to my brother and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Back home in Louisiana my family got together for dinner and fellowship while I was up here in Pennsylvania without them. I still had Isaac and my sister in law for which I was very grateful. I still cooked the traditional Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner with some delicious sides but deep down inside I just feel broken. I wanted to badly to just pick up the phone and text Nathan and tell him Happy Thanksgiving and ask him what he is doing for the day. I think this Christmas is going to be really hard. I would always send him a gift card for a video game or Amazon every year for Christmas and his birthday and with both being around the corner it's going to be incredibly emotional. Now I know that everything is magnified by 1000% with my pregnancy hormones added to it too but man it is not easy.
At work today everyone was asking each other how their thanksgiving was, they were talking about how amazing it was to be with family, the funny things that took place all the while I listened with a smile but couldn't quite let it reach my heart or my eyes apparantly. Then people would ask if I was okay...If I didn't answer as satisfactory as they want they would say you just seem tired, or your so quite today ect; It's as if people forget just 28 days ago I lost one of my best friends and family members and I will not get him back for a very very very long time when God's ready to take me home too. Part of me wants to talk about it. The other part of me starts to break the moment I open my mouth. I sometimes want to run away into distraction, talking about my joys: the baby, Christmas presents I've found for others ect; I want things to get easier I just am not sure how.
I have realized though like I said in my last entry that family is the most important thing in the world to me. And I want to be at a place where I can see and be with them whenever I want. I know God will open that door for us one day. I just don't know when or exactly how.
So as of today-it was a bad day and draining both physically and emotionally.
I know I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes I just need to feel and let my feelings flow through to the outside as well and today was one of those days. Thankfully I have off tomorrow so we will go to Church and just rest in the presence of Jesus and just rest in general.
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