This right here is what infertility looks like. You hold onto all hope that maybe just maybe this month will be your month. You start testing way too early analyzing every pee stick to see if there is a second line even when you know there isn't. Maybe if you hold it up in just the right light you will see it. We are at a really good place in our lives with peace that if it doesn't happen then that's okay. 100% okay but It still doesn't take away the desire, the over analyzing of every"symptom" when in reality it's gas from dinner or your period coming not implantation cramps. This is what makes me feel that every child is a gift. This is what makes me remember the due dates of the ones we lost even if we lost them so early. This is what made us unashamed to share so early in the past. This my friends is infertility. I don't share to get sympathy I share because unless you've been through it you have no idea what it truly entails. So before you start joking around with those friends who have been married forever on when are they going to have kids.... Just remember there could be much more going on below the surface.

That was how my day started out today.  I woke up determined that I wasn't going to take a pregnancy test but I was out so I wanted to stock up for the future.  I mean after all my temp dropped a little today I've been having cramps for the last few days but something just kept nagging in the back of my mind that if I just took one today I would know for sure if it was happening this month or not.  After all I am 12 days past ovulation and that is more than enough time to get a positive if it's going to happen.  So I did it.  I took the plunge and opened one of my prized pregnancy tests I picked up today all the while cursing myself as I did it.  That is till I saw those two pink lines: 

Faint but definitely there.  I had to do a double take.  Then as I watched it dry it began to get darker and darker till there is no denying it is positive (the pictures don't do it justice).  But now I wait.  I've been in this place too many times before to really allow myself to get excited.  I see those lines and want to believe that this time will be different but when it comes down to it it is not up to me.  It is up to God and what He would have happen.  With that I have so much peace.  I truly believe 100% that no matter what this was meant to be right now in this very moment.  I know that God is in control and only He can bring it all into fruition as it should be.  I called my OBGYN to see about getting a beta draw at least that way I will know if it is viable...but even with that I want to wait.  I am supposed to get my period tomorrow or Saturday at the latest so why don't I just hold off and see what happens of the next two days?  See if things get darker on their own. 

So that my friends is my exciting day and my exciting news.  I really feel 100% at peace.  I'm not freaking out at the cramps I'm having even at this very moment.  I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to make sure I'm not bleeding.  All things before I would have over analyzed to the max. 

God I truly give this pregnancy to you.  I lay it all down at your feet.  If this is you I choose to believe that you will bring it to pass as You remain in control.  I choose Lord to allow your precious will to be done even if it isn't mine.  I ask for wisdom on what do do with the blood tests, Dr.s ect  I thank you for that Lord in Jesus name~Amen.