Self Reflection

Today was very interesting.  Or rather eye opening.  I am involved with a women's Bible Study that meets from my Church.  Every week we take turns facilitating and bringing a snack and just overall fellowship and get to know each other.  This week was my turn.  The lesson was on Psalm 51:

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,^[a]
And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
¹⁶ For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

 As you can see this chapter is about discussing our sinful nature.  The homework for this assignment was: "Try writing a history of your sin.  Start at the beginning with movements acts and consequences of this sin....If others had a bad influence on your admit your hurt and forgive them.  You may be unconscious of aspects of your sin so feel free to ask the Lord to show them to you.  Be thorough but not morbidly introspective"

I have to admit I was not a fan of this lesson at all.  When I read that I snubbed my nose at it and thought to myself I am NOT doing that.  But as I got into the questions I was really hit with more and more conviction.  Every day we are supposed to confess our shortcomings and ask forgiveness.  We are to recognize that we are sinners.  That we fail on a daily basis.  I tend to not focus on those things. I tend to pray for other people or things or circumstances but haven't gotten deep into soul searching for quite some time.  I pray that God makes me more like him but how can He if I don't first acknowledge what needs changed in my own life.

So I decided here to be very open.  To do just this.  To reflect in my life and pull out those things that I know need to change in me.     There is a LOT.  So I'm going to just pick one or two.

What is it that I have been feeling convicted about lately but have maybe ignored or made excuses for?  Well there are a few things that immediately come to mind both of which are not good so like the lesson said I'll write it almost in story form of the history of them and what needs to change.

So much turmoil surrounds me as I wake up each morning.  I turn on the news and see riots, protests, murders so much sin everywhere.  I get on facebook and see people I know from a distance, those am close to and those I grew up with who love God speaking out in a way that I completely disagree with and just a little bit I begin to judge and in doing so my heart begins to harden.  I begin to think I am more righteous then them simply because how could they be a Christian and feel the way they do about something.  I then reach out to a few of them to find out why they feel the way they do.  Maybe it will open my eyes a little bit and help me to understand where they are coming from but really it gives me an opportunity to share my side.  By reaching out it makes me an even better person because I'm able to connect and understand where they are coming from versus just saying I disagree.  And my heart hardens just a little bit more.  I begin talking and being very open everywhere I go on my heart on the subjects at hand.  Saying it is me speaking out for the voiceless and righteousness yet each time my pride gets a little bit bigger, my judgments a little harsher and once again my heart begins to harden just a little bit more.  Life becomes a revolving door of trying my best to act a certain way so that people(who are not Christians) will think: Wow she's such a good Christian.  Now the things I do are good things.  They should be done but with a different heart.  With a different mindset.  And though my heart may not harden with this I begin to feel pride creep in and once again I can say I'm a better Person/Christian then _____.  This is something God has been convicting me of for almost a month and I knew it I could see it but wasn't quite sure how to acknowledge it.  I didn't want to.   But now I do.  I acknowledge that I am no better than anyone else.  In fact by comparing, by hardening of hearts I have proved myself equal or even less than those I would compare to.  


My prayer:  Lord I repent for this.  I ask for your forgiveness of judgment, pride, comparison, anger and resentment.  I know that without you I really am nothing.  Therefor it is only by your Grace that I am anything at all.  I thank you for your mercy.  I thank you for your Grace.  I thank you Lord that you forgive me and so in turn ask me to forgive others.  I know there is so much more I could confess and I will but if I where to try to take the time to write them all down I would be here forever.  So Lord I ask that you would create in my a pure heart.  Show me the iniquities within that I don't see myself or that I do not want to see.  I ask that you would help me not so serve you for me.  But to serve you for others and for you.  I thank you for that Lord.  ~Amen.