Depression

Today I called a Christian counseling ministry to get the names of therapists who deal with suicide loss and postpartum depression.  I don't think I have postpartum depression since the only thing that I'm sad/struggling with right now is the death of my brother.  But I know the hormones I'm experiencing from giving birth are making it harder than it would be on a regular basis and it's hard enough in general.  I have wonderful friends who two have already agreed to help watch Ezekiel so I can go since it doesn't look like they have the evening hours I would need. 

This has actually been really hard for me to ask them for help.  Mainly because I have always been the one giving the counseling.  I have always been the one able to see the silver lining.  But in the death of a loved one like this there is no silver lining.  You can focus on the future and on all the good things to come but in the back of your mind you know that they are not going to be a part of it.  And no matter how hard you try and focus on the good it can be marred by the idea that they will not be a part of your life. 

I miss my little brother.  That is the whole of what I am feeling.  I feel incomplete and like my heart has been dashed to pieces.  I went back and read some of the journal entries from November when it all happened and even in those entries I kept telling myself to try and stay calm, to stay positive to know it's okay to be sad but that I need to stay at peace for the sake of Ezekiel who was in the womb.  So even looking back just through my journal entries I realize I never really grieved.  I was able to move on and focus and stay busy and pre occupied with other things.  I was able to stay distracted.  In one of my posts I even stated that it was easier when I stayed busy and occupied my mind with other things.

In a way I'm glad for the way I feel.  I was beginning to wonder how I moved on so quickly...but you never really move on.  Not from something like this. 

The phone just rang and it was the therapist she is going on vacation so wants to get me in tomorrow to talk and start working through things.  She said that I can bring Ezekiel.  Which for that I am so grateful!  I was worried about limiting when I can get in since she will be gone.  And thankfully/praise God since we already met our deductible the sessions will only be $9 each.  That in itself is a miracle since I'm not working and have a really hard time spending money right now since it all comes from our savings account.  But thankfully it is all working out to give me peace. 

I'm now really looking forward to meeting with her.  I will definitely get on here and let you all know how it goes.