Anger

I'm angry.  I don't know any other way to describe how I'm feeling.  Last night hit me really hard that my little brother is gone.  It's been since November but last night it felt so fresh.  We got the tox results back from the coroner a few weeks ago.  There were no drugs in his system except weed.  This means he did not take the mushrooms like we originally though.  It means he planned this from the start of that night.  It means that those last text he sent me just a few hours before was him saying goodbye.  And I had no idea.

If I would have known it was goodbye I would have said so much more.  I would have tried to tell him how much he means to each of us.  How if he did this it would effect all of us.  I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, anger and disappointment. 

I've been running busy since it all happened.  Able to keep myself occupied with thoughts of joy and happiness that my little miracle was coming.  I knew for his health even in the womb I had to keep it together.  I knew I had to remain positive and calm.  I allowed myself to grieve but I didn't let myself get to a point of depression. 

But I think with all the postpartum hormones, sleep deprivation and all the extra time on my hands things are starting to settle in.  I'm starting to feel those things I was missing before.  I have way too much time to think about what happened and our last conversation.

So I want to write a letter.  I want to tell him how I feel though I think he knows:

Nathan,

First I want to tell you I love you so much.  I know you know this.  I also know you know that we miss you.  But I'm angry.  I'm angry that you did this.  That you were so happy right before you did it too.  I'm angry that according to your last entry you were trying to talk yourself out of it and you didn't.  I feel like it was so selfish though you tried to make sure we were all good before you left.  You didn't think beyond that moment of despair.  Beyond that moment of not wanting to live anymore.  I'm mad at the universe that after 3 years we finally get our miracle and you won't be able to meet him.  He will never know his uncle Nathan.  I'm angry that you couldn't get the help you needed.  I'm devastated and broken.  

I want to be able to tell Ezekiel all about the little games we would play together as kids, how close you and I were even up to the end and have it not be marred by the fact that you took your own life.  That you decided that you weren't worth it.  Because you were!  You meant so much to so many of us.  Even though you weren't perfect none of us are.  

I love you Nathan.  And I feel broken.  I feel hurt, sadness and devastation.  I wish I could push a button and go back in time.  One simple little question: what are you doing tonight might have changed things.  Might have helped get you to start thinking a little differently.  We did have great conversation.  We did tell each other how much we meant to each other.  It almost seems counter productive.  You said I thank God every day for giving you to me as a sister.  It I would have known that mean goodbye I would have been on the phone calling Forrest to come check up on you.   I would have called your room mates and told them not to let you be alone.  

I think the bottom line is I miss you.  And I'm currently not sure how to move on.  Do we move on from this?  Do we let the pain heal or keep it fresh as a reminder?  Nathan you told everyone you wanted us to be happy....how can we be happy without you?  You didn't realize what an intimate part of our lives you were.  You didn't realize how very much you meant to each and everyone of us.  I love you Nathan and I miss you so much!