Over all I suppose I can call today a win.  Isaac went back to work so Ezekiel and I got back into our normal routine.  They had said I could get back to life as  normal so I decided to go to the gymn.  I didn't do anything more than what I normally do and felt completely fine after so we went grocery shopping and ran some errands and it was around 4:30 this afternoon my body began to complain.  It pretty much gave out on me where I couldn't even stand without being in pain.  And it began to remind me what it has been through in the last couple days and is still in the process of going through.  It reminded me I need to be patient with myself not only emotionally but physically as well.  I ended up on the couch with worship music in the background watching Ezekiel play, unable to move much.  It was in that moment of stillness that the sadness began to creep back in today.  As my body betrayed me and said enough, that I remembered and was unable to forget or even put aside the thoughts of what I was going through. 

Today was a day completely opposite though of yesterday.  Yesterday I was determined we would in fact try again.  I would force my body to obey and do what I want. 

But today I didn't feel that way.  Last night Isaac and I had a good talk.  Since September of 2012 Every single month (apart from 3-6 months after having Ezekiel) has consisted of us either trying to get pregnant or trying and praying we stay pregnant.  It has been filled with ovulation test, pregnancy tests, medications, home remedies, charting, temping, analyzing every single bodily fluid I get in order to try to figure out if this month is our month.  If anything is different this month then how it was before.  It's hard in general to change your thought process or to let go of something you have lived, breathed and allowed to become almost habit for the last 5 years.  Yet here we are.  On Monday after going to the bathroom I walked into the room where Isaac was and he asked if I was okay and how I was feeling.  The answer I gave him shocked even myself.  I was relieved that for the first time since I can remember I went to the bathroom saw the blood and didn't wonder why it was there.  I knew why it was there.  Though the answer was filled with sadness there was no more anxiety.  No more questioning what I was seeing.

We talked about how he had told me that it was completely up to me on if we tried again or not.  And I told him how I don't think that is how it should be.  I already have an obvious problem trying to control things, worrying and wanting to make things happen in my timing(this can be anything in life not referring to just this situation).  I want us to do what GOD wants us to do not what we feel is best for me.  And we both came together in agreement.  We would stop.  Take a step back.  Try to be still and know that He is God.  We will pray and ask what it is that He has for us separately.  Then come back together and discuss what it is that HE desires for us. 

I think about how everything can change in an instant.  So if we were to go down the route of trying to conceive again I would need to know that it was God leading me there 100%.  But I also feel that there is definitely a reason this all happened though right now I just don't have the answers.  Part of me tries to conjure them up.  We had always said that when Ezekiel turned 2/3 we would adopt regardless of becoming pregnant yet when we found out we where pregnant we decided we would wait till this child was 2/3 to adopt.  Maybe God has a specific child out there that is mean to be with us at this time.  Or sooner rather than later.  I really don't believe I serve a God who could be so cruel as to take away the blessing of life for us simply for putting something like that on hold.....but I do know that there definitely is a reason though I don't know what it is and I can't pretend to know either. 


I feel like I'm rambling today and in part I know I am.  But I feel like my thoughts in general are all over the place.  So for now we have decided to heal.  To grieve.  And to allow God to show us the path he wants to take.  In doing this we will gather the information we need in both adoption, fostering...since we already know the steps they want me to take if we decide to try again.  *High risk Dr.  Extra monitoring, ect;  We will gather our info and we shall pray.  I will attempt to be still.  To really hear his voice in the stillness.  This is one of the hardest things for me to do.